Is it me, him or us?

[Becca11973]

Hi 👋
Long term lurker so hope no one minds me posting?

Bit of background:
In June this year I discovered an adult chat app on my DH phone. It had lots of messages to 30-40 different ladies of varying ages, some a few lines, others weeks worth. From two of the ladies he was recieving sexual photos along with the text to go with it. The lady who was the most ‘dirtiest’ for want of a better term was the first to send the photos out of the blue on the chat log, she apologies and nothing happens for a short while and she does it again, where he goes along with it. The second lady he started the sexual stuff, but no photos. What got to me as well as the filth I found, he was using a photo of him and our LG as his profile photo. Some of the exchanges where made whilst I was sat close to him on the sofa, early hours of the night when he was at work, whilst i was on the school run struggling with the kids (1 Sen), extended toilet breaks, our daughters birthday party), you name it he was messaging them

Along with the app he was also emailing a very old friend from his old location about how he thought our relationship had ended and he didn’t know how to tell me or what to actually do.

On top of this he was also watching porn excessively, when he does he has unrealistic expectations in our bedroom.

We rowed and cried and hugged and cried, the pair of us. And obviously he’s apologised a million times over. We decided mutely that we want to make this work and be as happy as we was before all the crap. I had my rules, mainly he got rid of his smart phone for a while until I felt ready and the trust was back. Last Tuesday he went out and bought himself a new smart phone, not excessively expensive but still it’s just after Christmas (like most parents we are feeling the pinch this month!), but above all my stipulation was please wait until I’m ready. Now he’s got it, apparently he can only set it up with a fingerprint instead of a code, he’s let me look through he phone any time I’ve asked and hasn’t hesitated at all. No other signs are there that he’s back doing that stuff but I’m still hurt he’s gone against what i wanted.

Maybe I should add, been together 17 years, we are both early 30’s with a hectic life!

Was I wrong to control that decision?

As far as I know any smartphone that had fingerprint recognition also has a second entry point either a numeric code or dot pattern ask him what his is if he says it doesn't have it or won't give it to you then you have your answer.

I have read on other threads about messaging apps being disguised to look like calculators ect hence the reason he might not be worried about showing you.

Ultimately though he has disregarded your agreement for him not to have a smartphone and purchased one anyway would be alarm bells for me

You weren't wrong I'd feel the same, I've sort of been in a situation the same.

I think with things like this if you're giving it another go you'll just have to get on with it, forgive and eventually you will forget about it. If you can't get over it then it won't work. People do make mistakes, it's was a lot of mistakes by the sound of it but you've decided to give it another go so you need to get on with it. (Don't mean that nastily by the way 😊)

Men are lazy and if he does it again you'll eventually find out. Hope it works.

Why are you still with him? Where's your self respect? He obviously doesn't want to be with you you have seen it in writing!

LTB

Pinyata, I’ve been on every app on his phone so many times and nothing has came up at all aside from the actual app that is of course.

Same with the code, no matter what/where I or he touches on the screen or phone nothing comes up to enter the sequence at all, it’s fustrating. A family member is very tech savvy so I’m going to get him over at the weekend. I do think he’s being completely honest, now.

Guest477337, your right. If we both want to make this work what should it matter when he got the phone really. Thank you, needed to hear that from some one!

Franktheskank, because like I said, we have been together 17 years, I was and I am very happy with him and I feel love and happiness back from him too. I believe everyone deserves a second chance, he wouldn’t put up with all the shit in our lives if he meant what he said to the old friend and not me! He would get paid a much better salary, have a wider social network and be closer to his family if he was go back to his old location. As he hasn’t, I’m 100% sure what was said in those emails didn’t come from the heart at all. I appreciate your input though.

Ps, this happened may-June, we’ve been working it out since then.

He reason for wanting a smart phone was to be able to take photos of our kids, which we do a lot of.

People need a phone. So i dont have a problem with him having a phone.
He might just be more careful now. Empty his inbox when he needs.
17 years is a long time to get comfortable. Bored. Having kids adds to that feeling of .. im no longer young. i'm old. i dont feel attractive. life's all about the kids. my wife has changed.
you will change over 17 years but you guys are still young. so maybe do something different. go out. try something new just you two. also, have your identities been lost in each other after the marriage? be interested in some of your own hobbies. do something with it that doesn't involve him. that's just a suggestion. hope it all works out for you and all the best. it would really crush any woman to be in that situation and it's not easy to forget. it will take a lot of work.

Do you want to live in fear like this? Honestly?

The thing I find most disgusting is using an image of your dd in his profile pic, that's really disturbing.

I'm another can't understand why you're still with him.

CheapSausagesAndSpam, to be honest I don't feel fear at all. What has happened has happened, neither of us can change that. All we can do is choose to move on with or without one another. The most important part is our happiness, if we aren't happy then the kids won't be. Right now I am a very happy, married young lady. I'm under no illusion it may never happened again, it could, could even be me next. If he goes there again or I do then relationship obviously isn't meant to be.

TakeitEasy23, Once the dust settled we each made a list of activities and places we would like to do/go, some new hobbies together and apart.

For the last 11 years are lives have solely worked around our 4 amazing children, 2 were born prematurely, 1 of these has SEN, then another 1 who unfortunately has some extreme behaviours which we are at the very first point in referrals and last but not least our clingy one. 3 of them 'need' settling at bedtime which can realistically take up to 3 hrs if 2nd youngest is having issues. Before that DH dad sadly died and his mum suffers with Bi Polar, so at the risk of sounding like I'm making excuses, life has been extremely stressful and hectic!

Now we are beginning to receive help and support for 2nd youngest, that will take some of the strain away. Our SEN child has frequent appointments, some times as many as 4 a week. He can also get quite poorly and be in hospital 2 weeks at a time. I guess along with all the other stuff going on in our lives we, over quite a long time, have just forgotten abut each other.

Yes it could quite easily all go tits up. But things being as they are, they could potentially be better than we've ever had.

Graphista. That was the thing that hurt and upset me the most. Why involve her. He says he went on to make friends,, due to our lives and work we don't get time to socialise so I do believe at first it was innocent as most of the chat logs were just that.

Why am I with him?

I love him with all my heart, and I honestly feel the same love back

He makes me happy and vice versa

I want to make more happy memories with him,

He's a fantastic, hands on dad

17 years is an awful lot to chuck away over an albeit huge mistake (if it was physical I'm not sure id feel the same and the 2 in question were no where near us)

He's never done anything 'wrong' as a boyfriend, husband or dad previously or since

If I didn't give a second chance I would always wonder what if?

I want to grow old with him

I'm happy and confident in my decision, If its the wrong one and something happens again then clearly is wasn't just a shit time, we weren't made for each other.

It will store more than one fingerprint, so you can add yours as well.

Florene, I didn’t know that at all, is that for any phone with fingerprint? Thank you!

OP what make or model of phone does he have, my DP works for a mobile phone network and knows everything there is to know about mobile phones which can be the most annoying thing in the world useful, I'll ask him about the finger print recognition only ?

Becca11973

re your comment:-
"17 years is an awful lot to chuck away over an albeit huge mistake ("

That to me reads like the "sunken costs fallacy" that happens also in relationships. I would read up on such sunken costs.

And no he is not a good dad if he has treated you as their mother like this. He acted then as he does now of his own free will, he was not coerced. I do not think he is worthy of you at all actually and I think you want to make this work more than he does. His actions re the purchase of his phone makes me also think this.

Google the name and make of the phone and you'll find out what other ways there are to unlock it. There will be something.

Both me and dh know each other’s code and have our fingerprints saved on the phone.

Bet you can add yours

Pinyata, thank you. I’ve now added my fingerprint to his phone. I knew his code, but neither of us could figure out how to gain entry this way.

I appreciate everyone’s advice, but I didn’t come here looking for advice on my entire relationship. I’m a big enough girl to make my own decisions on the more serious parts of my life. But thanks everyone for their input.

You posted in relationships about a relationship issue

It's very likely that if he hasn't already started using the app again, he probably will when boredom catches up with him. 30-40 chats is excessive and sort of indicates a bit of time being spent on it.

But he may well be savvy enough to uninstall the app between uses.

There is also no smartphone on the open market which can only be unlocked with a fingerprint as it can be unreliable.

You as the user choose which security method you want to use from a list of generally 5 or so choices.

Why does he need a smart phone to take family pictures?
We have SIM only £8 Tesco phones that take great photos.

Sorry but an £8 phone doesn't take great pictures.

This aside, if you can only trust your partner WITHOUT a smart phone then you can't trust them.

I’ve now added my fingerprint to the settings, the settings were set to both and still is set to both finger and a pin but can we hell as find how out how to be able to enter pin. I’ve not been able to see family member but we will be this coming week.

The camera needs to be decent, it’s one of the cheapest smart phones with a decent camera. We have an appointment for our DS which we have to record for him to replay and learn at home with us. Aside from that, he is a grown man, he should be able to take clear, nice photos of his kids.

As regards to the app, if he is, he is. Eventually I will pick up on signs, see an email, etc etc. I don’t believe he is, his position at work has changed and he’s extremely busy there to the extent where he (they) don’t even get a 10 min break without being questioned now. Obviously our relationship has changed since the discovery, for starters we have made much more time for each other which in the whole time we’ve had the children we never ever have and it’s very nice to actually get to know each other again. We aren’t the same people as we were 17 years ago, nor the same as when we had our first child.

Maybe you think I’m stupid and in denial, maybe you agree. Either way you don’t know us, our personalities, our life and what has actually happened good and bad through our lives.

Messages and dirty chats/pics with 30 to 40 randoms, excessive porn and telling his mate you are over.

Yep, as long as you can access the phone (that you didnt want him to get yet, but he ignored you, obviously) then I am sure he is 100% perfect, faithful and a superstar husband with no second phone that he simply doesn't show you.

You trust him and don't want to hear otherwise so good luck with him.

He is a complete dick btw.