I think my DH needs some mental health support but I have no idea where to turn, please can someone advise? Feeling pretty down

[StoneColdDiva]

My DH is a SAHP by choice to our 11 and 9 year old DC. This means he is not looking after children during the day, is socially very isolated. He no longer sees work friends. He spends almost all his time alone.

He seems to be having some sort of prolonged breakdown. We went out with friends last night for dinner and he proceeded to pick a huge fight with them, to get upset with the state of the world, the government, poverty, you name it. He was ranting, would not let anyone get a word in, was almost uncontrollable. Our friends were Uber polite and sort of humoured him but at one point they observed that his argument did not hold up (he was arguing in favour of communism) and he suddenly stood up, shook hands with the friend and said, "I will never see you again, I can't be friends with someone who holds such views, goodbye" and stormed out of the restaurant.

Yes, he had drink too much, but this was not your common or garden pissed person. This was existential rage.

I followed him because he had the car key and I was afraid he would drive home. I am not sure if he would have done so (leaving me in the restaurant).

In the car, I drove, he said something like "I cannot tolerate the sycophancy, I cannot stand the hypocrisy. There only way I can cope is speaking my truth, calling out bullshitters [ie our friends] it is the only hing that makes life tolerable for me."

When I said hat statement worried me (his father committed suicide, family history of depression), he said "Don't worry, I will never commit suicide, I am at heart an optimist."

I am married to a man who tells me not to worry, he won't commit suicide.

When we got home he was almost sobbing. He hates modern life, consumerism, mass market food. He is bordering on conspiracy theories about statins, Big Pharma.

I am so lost.

I have no idea where to turn.

Any thoughts?

Wow. Just wow! Your husband sees the word exactly as i do. He does NOT have mental health problems.
It's the rest of you that are weird. And sheep like.
Had I been in that restaurant I would have given him a standing ovation!

Of course he's right and there are terrible things going on in the world. My DH turned into a class warrior virtually overnight. I agreed with what he was saying, but the change in personality and the obsessions where nothing can ever be good because Donald Trump is POTUS is not a rational reaction. Ranting and inability to cope with the situation without it affecting your family and personal life is the issue. Not the rights and wrongs of what he is saying.

I sometimes feel the world is going to he'll in a hand cart. But I do think the OP's dh has mental health issues. We all believe a lot of weird things, but it's how those beliefs affect us and our behaviour that affects others.

Wow, OP.

I have a friend who is prone to this, and he got a lot worse during a period of unemployment. Can your OH get a job? For my friend it was born from isolation and reading too much on the internet. There’s a shitload of Reddit conspiracy theorists that’d agree with his every word, but obsessing over such relentless negativity is no way to live, and it’ll spiral.

We are 3 years post full breakdown. DH did eventually go to the GP and they were amazing. He needed the support of the GP, a Psychiatrist and a Psychotherapist to really turn around.

Please seek support yourself- online forums are a good place to start, but consider a BACP accredited therapist for you.

You cannot make your DH seek help if he does not want to or see any problems with his behaviour. All you can do is look after yourself as best you can and be there to support him in whatever way that needs to be.

I found it all so overwhelming that I found I couldn't even begin to articulate the issues or comprehend how I felt. You are really able to form your thoughts and concerns so you might feel like you don't know where to begin, but you've already started, OP.

I’d recommend mindfulness meditation, yoga, regular exercise and counselling. He might particularly value a counsellor who works with an Existential approach.

He’s right in everything he says though. Especially Big Pharma shoving anti depressants down everyone’s throats just because they struggle with the effects of living in a neo-capitalist society. Fuck them 🖕🏼

His views would be at the less extreme end of the spectrum in some circles in in!!! Has he not just had an epiphany about some of the excess of capitalism?

He may well be depressed but he might also have legitimate beliefs that plenty of people share.

Though his concerns have a logical basis, it does seem as though he needs someone to talk through things with-- a therapist, life coach, or even a naturopathic counsultation would be helpful so he could work through this with a specialist advisor. Left on his own sounds like he goes down the rabbit hole and then is in "shock" when has to interact with those who haven't done the same or did, but reached different solutions.,

My father was / is like this - these views are familiar! - and often behaved in socially inappropriate ways at work and with friends and acquaintances. He was moody and morose at hime. It often dragged the family down. In his case he has vulnerability (IMO) from bereavement, physical abuse and neglect as a child and teen. He never sought professional help.

My mum never left him but considered it many times and sometimes went off for a week or so. My siblings and I would tell him he was out of order which he did listen to temporarily and get upset. It had a bad impact on us. We were a bit older than your DC but it continued for many years, then happened again but worse after a bereavement.

Are you OK with being sole breadwinner?possibly for many years more? If not, your H should seek a job. My dad was unemployed at times but him WoH was a deal breaker for mum (we needed money!) so he did.

If he won’t seek help it’d be better for you and the DC to end the relationship.

Don’t advocate him going to a “woo” holistic type: BACP counsellors are reputable and not “big pharma”

It’s not the views/worries that are the issue, it’s the lack of balance, spiral of anger and sadness, the way and amount he talks about them and socially inappropriate behaviour, eg with the friends. The lack of consideration for you and your interests/needs. And that rather than doing something about it, eg work or activism, he just talks and broods. Dad was also very negative about people.

If stopped espousing his views - for ages, at home -dad would get angry.

If I was in the restaurant I would have given him a standing ovation

Oh come on, you'd applaud someone who disrupted a pleasant meal with an angry rant, not letting anyone speak, disowning his long standing friends and drunkenly storming from a restaurant to go home and sob uncontrollably for hours?
I won't even go into how irrational a paranoia about pharmaceutical conspiracies are.

Yeah, whether or not his views are rational, his

Peoples reactions are very visible, when this kind of inappropriate behaviour happens. (Have witnessed this over many years!) People look horrified and visibly want to get away! Sometimes they try humouring or gently changing the subject, or just look to get away. Sometimes exchange “oh god, not again” looks with others. A restaurant meal is a nightmare with someone behaving like this. People stop inviting the obnoxious one, and their partner.

I’ve had a few work meetings with a very angry colleague recently, with around 6 people there in total, very awkward. His anger was justified but his behaviour - ranting in meetings, paranoia - not. A colleague with good interpersonal skills smoothed things over in the meeting. I am on good terms with the angry colleague so later asked him to go for a cup of tea and politely suggested he reflect on how best to present himself and his concerns at work (eg use the grievance process), so as not to upset people who had nothing to do with his problems, or if that was too hard as he was too distraught take time off and seek support. I would have liked friends/colleagues to try and help dad like that sometimes.

Agree with a previous poster, his concerns have validity. Listen to what he's saying, discuss his views with him and maybe get him to join a local group of green party members or something similar.
His concerns shouldn't be comprehensively shut down but given expression.
And for those of you saying its a mental health issue to have views that so differ from your own............?

Could you afford a private psychotherapist? That way he could avoid the GP.

Hi op,

My dh is a little bit like this, he can get a little ranty about things like society's greed, bad drivers etc but not to the extent your dh does. He does sound very unhappy and paranoid. If he wont see a gp I would encourage him to join a debate group or a green discussion group? Something where he can discuss his views in a healthy way and socialise a bit as he sounds isolated.

Has he ever talked to anyone about his father suicide?

It's not saying "he has a mental health issue because his views differ from your own"

It's clear that his behaviour is a concern. He's picking fights, obsessing, subjecting people to prolonged rants, becoming aggressive with friends that challenge his views, behaving out of character and on this occasion stormed out of a restaurant, unable to control his emotions.
That's the issue.

In some places you can self refer to a wellbeing service, or an equivalent depending on your area, where he could access talking therapies, that would cut out the GP. Would he go for that?

I hope he gets the help he needs this sounds really difficult