I think my DH needs some mental health support but I have no idea where to turn, please can someone advise? Feeling pretty down

[StoneColdDiva]

My DH is a SAHP by choice to our 11 and 9 year old DC. This means he is not looking after children during the day, is socially very isolated. He no longer sees work friends. He spends almost all his time alone.

He seems to be having some sort of prolonged breakdown. We went out with friends last night for dinner and he proceeded to pick a huge fight with them, to get upset with the state of the world, the government, poverty, you name it. He was ranting, would not let anyone get a word in, was almost uncontrollable. Our friends were Uber polite and sort of humoured him but at one point they observed that his argument did not hold up (he was arguing in favour of communism) and he suddenly stood up, shook hands with the friend and said, "I will never see you again, I can't be friends with someone who holds such views, goodbye" and stormed out of the restaurant.

Yes, he had drink too much, but this was not your common or garden pissed person. This was existential rage.

I followed him because he had the car key and I was afraid he would drive home. I am not sure if he would have done so (leaving me in the restaurant).

In the car, I drove, he said something like "I cannot tolerate the sycophancy, I cannot stand the hypocrisy. There only way I can cope is speaking my truth, calling out bullshitters [ie our friends] it is the only hing that makes life tolerable for me."

When I said hat statement worried me (his father committed suicide, family history of depression), he said "Don't worry, I will never commit suicide, I am at heart an optimist."

I am married to a man who tells me not to worry, he won't commit suicide.

When we got home he was almost sobbing. He hates modern life, consumerism, mass market food. He is bordering on conspiracy theories about statins, Big Pharma.

I am so lost.

I have no idea where to turn.

Any thoughts?

Would he see his GP? I’m sorry, this sounds really worrying for you and he must be deeply unhappy.

Yes, he is profoundly unhappy and troubled.

No, I do not think he would agree to see a GP. He is suspicious of mainstream pharma to such a large extenbt.

Definitely sounds like he's spent enough time isolated that his sense of perspective has warped slightly. Are there any social groups or communities that you could encourage him to gently reintroduce himself to? Alternatively either a trip to the GP and/or some counselling might be in order.

I am so worried about the state he will be in every night when I get home from work.

If he is unwell and won’t see a doctor about how he is feeling, that is concerning because he will be having a very negative influence on your children. It isn’t fair to them to be cared for by someone who is paranoid and prone to ranting. They will be aware that he’s not right and it’s at best unsettling for them. Sorry 🙁

I think you need to try talking to him about your concerns on his mental health and the effect on the children and on yourself. Ultimately you can’t make him seek or access any help or assessment but you can look after yourself and your children. I mean that in a kind way, not to berate you or him.

He definitely needs help from his GP.

I don't think this is the result of too much time spent alone. His time alone might have allowed him too much time to sit and think and isolate him so he's losing perspective but I would expect him to look at ways to get out more/mix with people during the day. I think his extreme behaviour is signalling a bigger problem.

Mental ill health seems to be such a common problem now. My OH was really unwell last year with depression and anxiety. We have another friend who experienced a prolonged psychosis out of the blue. Both when unwell kept talking about the state of society, the greed, the selfishness and dog eat dog attitude, how disillusioned they were with people in general.

It might be you can't get him any help until he can either see for himself that something isn't right or something happens that makes him realise his thought process is no longer 'normal'.

Have you tried to discuss how he behaved the other evening with him at all?

I am so sad. He used to have a great job, worked hard but played hard (sorry for the twee expression). Now the things he used to love, he hates.

Formula 1 is full of overpaid divas and is corrupt.

Premier League Football is all money, no heart or passion.

Modern music is all manufactured groups.

Deodorant with aluminium causes cancer.

Only organic food is acceptable.

Milk in tea destroys anti oxidants.

Shampoo and conditioner have to be organic.

The list is getting longer and I swear I do not know how to handle this.

If you cannot get him to go and speak to his GP I would make an appointment anyway and go and see them yourself and get some advice about how to handle this. It is really very difficult for family members when someone is refusing to get help for their mental health issues and my heart goes out to you. Do you have concerns about your DC's welfare when you are at work? Have they said anything to you which suggests they have noticed that dad is unwell?

To be very fair to him, he seems to protect them from this. They see the edges of it. But they are not exposed to the rants. I think he is keeping a very careful lid on his anger, disapppintment, ennui. Around me he does not self censure. Around the kids, he is more measured.

Quite honestly the only way to handle it may be to sit him down and tell him that although it may be his truth it is not the truth. His fears and wishes do not trump those of his family.

Also, ask him what his truth is doing to improve his life - it's not helping him cope with the world, it's not making him happy, all it's doing is pulling him deeper and deeper into a spiral of misery. If he chooses to sink then it needs to be clear to him that he can't drag the family down with him. If he wants to swim, then you might be able to help him get started...

My Dh is prone to anxiety and depression. he talks about the state of society a lot at times. He gets a lot of it from social media- twitter and his friends on Facebook. They are RL friends, but post all sorts of things on facebook about the state of the NHS, the Tories, Brexit etc which is fine and informative if you are mentally able to cope with it, but not if you can't. I've told my DH to come off it for a while and he doesnt seem to obsess about it as much ( although he has other problems now) I sympathise. it's a crappy situation for partners. I feel like I dont know what to do either although my DH has finally been to the doctors after months of nagging. I have sent him loads of links to self help and mindfulness programmes. If your DH is suspicious of big Pharma, maybe some online courses might appeal to him as a 'natural' remedy?

Raised
It is so hard, isn't it?

My DH is off social media but reads lots of naturopath/ organic websites / blogs.

I wonder if he might see a more holistic counsellor....

A good website for info and have a helpline you can call for advise also is
www.mind.org.uk/

Mind Infoline
Our team provides information on a range of topics including:
types of mental health problems
where to get help
medication and alternative treatments
advocacy.
We will look for details of help and support in your own area.
Contact us
Our lines are open 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays).
We are also open Sunday 22nd April
9am to 6pm.
0300 123 3393
[email protected]
Text: 86463

Here in the common questions if you scroll down, it talks about what to do when someone refuses to seek help.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/common-questions/

It is hard. If it was a physical illness, you can kind of deal with it in a practical way but this is just shooting in the dark and hoping something works. does he like exercise of any kind? Thats supposed to help too, but yes if hes interested in holistic treatments, then he might be more open to some type of meditation, yoga or talking therapies.

Mindfulness, meditation classes might help.

Worth googling local mental health services (Council website might have info) as there might be some alternative support - near me, as well as NHS psychological therapy services, we have a Mind counselling service, Men in Sheds, a health and well being college and a great drop in centre with loads of support.
What about him getting a job? My DH was happy as a SAHP for 4 years but I pushed him to get back to work as he was so socially isolated and small things were big issues. He now works in a local cafe restaurant (previously was a head teacher) and due to the great team and regulars is much happier and fulfilled. Work is good for mental health!

Wow, OP -- sounds like your DH and my DP are in a similar boat. My DP went off on sick leave abt 2 years ago and hasn't gone back to work. More time to stress over the news, then try to drink away the stresses.

The link below is for mental health support specifically for men. They do all sorts, including help via webchat

Campaign Against Living Miserably
www.thecalmzone.net

My friend (who was facing an extremely stressful life crisis at the time) had an odd anxiety issue with recycling and how if any bit went astray it would mean the end of life as we know it etc and it all got very out of hand. When she went to her gp she was told it is a very common anxiety issue and a lot of folk fixate on recycling for some reason. I know it's not exactly the same thing but this anxiety around being the one to protect and tell the truth and rebel against capitalism, 'Big Pharma' etc seems similar.

My friend found SSRI ADs very helpful but if that isn't an option he may consider some kind of counselling. It might help him to know where all his rage is coming from. It must be very unpleasant to feel you must cut off IRL relationships to do the right thing. (And obvs very troubling and unpleasant for you OP. )

Oh wow OP. What a horrible situation. Your description of DH reminds me exactly of my father. He's in his 60s now and is still adamant that the world is at fault for everything and nothing is his fault.

Weve tried to get him help but he won't. We went to MIND. The only thing would be to have him sectioned but he isn't bad enough to warrant it.

Call CRISIS or 111 then option 2 for mental health. I've never done it but they may be able to give you options. Short of having him sectioned if he's at risk of harming himself and others, there's so little you can do without his cooperation. It's so awful and so frustrating. If you're desperate and think he is a danger to himself (you say he's referenced suicide) then perhaps sectioning is the only way to help him in the long term, even if just to get an initial evaluation. I hope he sees the light and gets the help he needs.

@StoneColdDiva I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds tough. I know a man who is a stay at home parent, and a least one woman in that boat too. Neither have experienced what your husband has.

I think time alone, with blogs, and his own thoughts, has not helped but it sounds like he has a mental health issue (this may be perhaps inherited from a family member or whatever, do you know what the family member who committed suicice suffered with?).

I've known people who have suddenly developed real paranoia (in the case of my friend she was long term off work but had multiple other issues including physical ill health and more).

I really think you must make a GP appointment urgently and encourage him to come with you. I'd be honest and tell him if he does not come with you, you will go alone and talk to the GP alone about him, because you are so worried. If he wants to be part of the conversation, he will need to come with you.

If it helps him to pick the GP, or perhaps to request a male doctor or whatever else would make him feel more comfortable, I'd suggest that (not saying it would help but feeling some degree of autonomy may help).

In his current situation finding a job may be hard, but ultimately could help. Could you encourage him to do some sort of voluntary work that gets him out of the house and mixing with people. Something maybe out doors like gardening, helping at a National Trust place, animal sanctuary etc. I hear animals can be very therapeutic, so can nature.

I have one friend who was sectioned for her benefit and another who was hospitalized due to mental health issues. Both did recover but they needed that intervention. I've no idea if your husband is at that stage (yet), or whether he will need it.

I agree with other posters I would be worried for your kids too, you do need to protect them and appeal to your dh to put them first and seek help, even if he does not feel he needs it.

Can your work be flexible and allow some compassion leave to help your husband seek the right help for him?

To me it doesn't sound like a mental health issue at all. It seems he's waking up to the true state of the world, which when looked at properly, can send you in a complete whirl as you question everything you thought you knew. I would probably suggest buying him some spiritual books because this will help him with regulating his emotions.

However to be fair all the things he has said (bar communism) are absolutely true. Perhaps instead of casting this as a mental health issue you should listen to what he has to say and the reasonings behind it. Do your own research. Find out the truth about things. Yes this feels uncomfortable. But he is not wrong. He is refusing to fit in society's box. That does not mean he has mental health issues.

I agree with pp suggestions of working with animals or in nature as well.

Your description of DH sounds a bit like my dad, as I remember from the 1970's, bar the talk of communism (think they were more in the middle of the scale).

Not sure a GP could do much here, tbh. I don't suppose he'll voluntary eat some pill, like tranquillizers such as Valium... One problem here is he's technically right in many ways, take the introduction of trans fat and high-fructose corn syrup in our diets, for example, probably not introduced to boost public health but for other reasons. Have you thought about him or you both taking up an interest in gardening? An allotment? Check out the River cottage website, and see if that could be a way to refocus on something positive? www.rivercottage.net I've actually heard a radio program mentioning gardening having a therapeutical effect on depression. For holidays, suggest going somewhere scenic, like for instance going on a trip on Nordlandsbanen (search for "Nordlandsbanen minutt for minutt") - can probably be appreciated by the DC too.

If you go see a GP he can recommend a mental health service he can go to rather than giving him pills or anything because they won't do that!! It can definitely get the ball rolling x