Burying your head in the sand over infidelity - could you?

[ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon]

Just that really..

Have been reading a few threads recently on the subject of affairs and betrayal and have been thinking back to my own experience (my Ex H was on affair no. 2 when we split).

My instincts are top notch and I suspected he was infatuated /chasing after the OW before they had ever done anything. The result was that I threw myself into 'private detective' mode and tried everything I could to prove that what I was feeling was right. Going through his phone, credit card statements etc. My ex was the type who would lie and lie and lie until you presented him with absolute irrefutable proof, (despite how distressed I was), then and only then would he admit to anything (and even then, only as little as he could get away with. Truth by increments).

I did make myself quite ill in the process, at times I thought I was going mad because he just kept lying, but to me truth was everything and I literally couldn't help myself - I HAD to get to the bottom of it, no matter how painful.

By total contrast my ex SIL is married to his brother who has also had affairs /cheated. (I know this from my ex H who he had confided in.) She doesn't know about the affairs as such, but I remember one drunken conversation with her when she was unusually candid and said that if she was really honest she thought he had probably cheated in the past, that there were warning signs, but she 'couldn't go there' and didn't want to because she couldn't bear it and didn't want to upset the status quo.

Is there a case for burying your head in the sand? They are still together, apparently very happily so. They have been married now for over 25 years. I have no idea if he still cheats. But she made it clear that if she had suspicions or if there were signs that she would bury them and turn a blind eye because she loves her husband and children, loves her (very privileged) life and doesn't want that to change?

There's no way in hell I could live like your SIL is doing.

I divorced my XH for being an habitual user of prostitutes.
He carries on doing so, and his girlfriend knows and accepts it.
He earns about £150K a year. I rather suspect she wouldn't be so quick to turn a blind eye if he was on NMW
More than one person asked me during my divorce whether I couldn't just let him get on with it.
I think some people have very low expectations of their relationships, and in that case it's much easier to turn the blind eye.
But so much of it, I think, comes down to money.
A lot also to not wanting to put children through divorce.
Wanting a lifestyle, wanting one home... genuinely happy? Not so much.

Nope - I was like you OP with both my cheating Ex's
Miss Marple would have been so proud of me!!!
Cheating is a deal breaker for me, but not for everyone.
Each to their own, I say.
My, more recent Ex, sounds exactly like your Ex with the lies.
Although, due to my private detective credentials, I know most things now, a year later he still won't admit to some of it.
But I KNOW! And that's all that matters.
Problem is, he's such a charmer, people believe his lies.
It's probably a similar scenario with your SIL.
If she's happy then that's fine.
I wouldn't be though.

I could definitely turn a blind eye if all else was well.

Peurto Would you be happy knowing your husband was shagging someone else though, even if he does help with the vacuuming? What would he have to do for you to think he's a POS?

I could definitely turn a blind eye if all else was well.

Interesting... I honestly do think my SIL is happy in her marriage, and with her lot. She has a lovely home, standard of living and has never had to work and very much likes it that way.

Her husband undoubtedly loves her. Maybe some people can have affairs and compartmentalise them? And their OH just don't want to know?

I couldn't do it myself in a million years (turning a blind eye) but it has clearly worked for them.

I think all people ‘could’ bury their heads in the sand re affairs.

I think probably a large proportion of people do.

I don’t think this says anything at all about whether that is the best decision for their welfare or any DC.

I think in previous relationships I would have been like you - I would have gathered that evidence meticulously and presented it in a PowerPoint with printouts and pie charts.I would have probably enjoyed it in a weird twisted way...
In my current LTR I would be devastated and would want to bury my head in the sand. I doubt that I could, in reality, but I would be absolutely heartbroken.
I could never do it for financial security though, It would never be close to being worth it.

I turned a blind eye to ex-P's chronic cheating.

I was young though- I was 21 and he was in his 40s. I didn't love him. I cared for him deeply and the cheating hurt me immensely but I chose to not think about it and just enjoy the good parts of our relationship. I also knew 100% that we wouldn't be together forever.

If I'm brutally honest, I only stayed with him because he was completely loaded (he was a celebrity-type) and I enjoyed what I got out of the relationship. Don't get me wrong, he was a lovely person and we'd have a really good laugh together. However, if it was exactly the same (lovely person but a chronic cheater) but he was on NMW, there's no way I'd have turned a blind eye.

At the time I thought it was all fine. In fact, I rather enjoyed the idea that I was only using him for good sex, nice presents, swanky holidays etc. so the cheating didn't bother me.

But, I now realise it did bother me. It left me with some really big confidence and trust issues which fucked up a couple of subsequent relationships. Fortunately, I'm much more sane now that I'm with DH but it took a while to get here

I do think people are capable of it, I am not one of them.

I don't think it makes for a healthy relationship to be honest. Relationships grow and change, if one wanders off, then there's not enough effort going in. And then whats the point? Regrouping and finding out whats gone wrong can make or break you, but at least its an attempt to make a relationship the best it could be, rather than pretending the disrespect didn't happen.

(Probably wrong choice of words)

Not a chance, not ever.

It doesn't matter what other people would do. Your SIL isn't 'burying her head in the sand' and you sound dismissive of her feelings by saying so. She has an inkling, deep down she knows but she doesn't want to confront it - and that is her valid decision and choice.

Why does there need to be a 'case' for this? Do you think you handled your 'thing' so much better? Or just differently to what other people would do perhaps?

I hope your SIL doesn't see your post. You could have asked the question without giving any of that very personal information about her.

Why does there need to be a 'case' for this? Do you think you handled your 'thing' so much better? Or just differently to what other people would do perhaps?

I'm not making a 'case' - I was interested as to what other people think. I have never said I handled things brilliantly, nor have I said my way is the way to go. It was the differences in people's opinions / perspectives on this that I was interested in. There is nothing judging in my post.

As for outing my SIL - that's ridiculous. I am certain she is not on Mumsnet - not her thing at all. How many women out there have nice lives and suspect their partner could have cheated? The details are hardly outing.

Your bil must have a gold cock and ££££ in the bank.

I didn't say you were 'outing' her, OP, just that you'd posted quite a bit of information personal to her, irrelevant as that was for the question you were asking.

My friend did this (gay man). His partner was openly carrying on with a younger guy at the place all three of them worked at.

My friend, for whatever reason, never demanded answers or explanations. He just said never do this again. The other man was moved offsite and this seemed to satisfy my friend.

I don't think you can fathom the motivations of others. He took the ignorance is bliss option, god knows why.

They'd been together for many years and are still together now. I keep my gob shut.

An old friend did this.

Her DH had an affair with a work colleague, evidence was pretty conclusive (lying about whereabouts, increase in work travel, messages to and from not overt messages but content was enough to know they were sent between people who were intimate , basically all the usual cliches)

What pissed me off was my friend went to great pains to show us - her friends - the evidence and we listened to the rants and raves about it but she never confronted him? She was always "gathering evidence" and "biding her time". Then it all stopped and she went quiet on it all?

We're not close friends these days, and yes her behaviour about her husband's affair probably had an impact on the friendship.

If have had more respect if she said "I don't want to rock the boat / upset the harmony / unsettle the kids". I suspect the truth was she was scared if she confronted him, he'd leave her? [This idea that he would choose OW was touched upon back in the days she used to rant to me]

Well until you walk a day in her shoes you don't know how you'd behave do you, crunchymum. You 'would have more respect if she'd done x, y,z?' This wasn't your life being turned upside down and perhaps she wanted a sounding board not someone to give her marks out of 10 for her handling of it.

I imagine the low contact is by mutual decision, not just yours. Your friend has more tolerance than I do because you'd not be anyone I'd continue to call a friend.

I suspect Lying got out of bed on the wrong side this morning.

Different strokes for different folks.
I would confront but I know some persons (men and women) who haven't/wouldn't. Their lives, their business.

You mean because I don't agree with you, Impeach or crunchymum and have an opinion on the way you both judge women whose lives are made miserable, I must have slept badly or had to get up too early or some other 'silencing' nonsense? Righty-ho.

Nope- just your tone, really.

Lots of different opinions here, but nobody else sounds so...well, grumpy, frankly.

Where have I judged women Lying? I haven't said anything negative about my SIL and her stance, nor about anyone else's opinions on here?

I find this thread quite judgemental in tone, Impeach. As you've asked, your OP - you quite clearly present yourself as having done the brave/right thing whilst your SIL didn't. I do see that that's just my interpretation and also that your post is really more of a 'compare and contrast' thing but it's just a hugely personal thing given the amount of info from your SIL and it grated a bit. I'm not trying to offend you, I'm really not grumpy and I'm sorry if it's come across that way.

crunchmum's post was just gossipy and mean and if I had a flash of grumpy in my post to her, I'm not apologising for it!

I meant to put a to make that a bit more lighthearted...

That is absolutely your interpretation alone and totally not my opinion.

I really don't see myself as being 'brave' or 'right' at all.Where have you got that from?? I said in my OP that I couldn't help myself - it is the way I am made, but that I made myself ill in trying to get to the truth. That is no exaggeration. It totally consumed me to the detriment of my children and my health. I'm not proud.

I used my SIL as an example (and the only person I personally know in RL that chose to ignore her instincts) as how a totally different stance can have a relatively happy outcome.

Bottom line, I'm divorced, she's not! It was food for thought. I would never judge her. She's a good person and I like her.