Burying your head in the sand over infidelity - could you?

[ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon]

Just that really..

Have been reading a few threads recently on the subject of affairs and betrayal and have been thinking back to my own experience (my Ex H was on affair no. 2 when we split).

My instincts are top notch and I suspected he was infatuated /chasing after the OW before they had ever done anything. The result was that I threw myself into 'private detective' mode and tried everything I could to prove that what I was feeling was right. Going through his phone, credit card statements etc. My ex was the type who would lie and lie and lie until you presented him with absolute irrefutable proof, (despite how distressed I was), then and only then would he admit to anything (and even then, only as little as he could get away with. Truth by increments).

I did make myself quite ill in the process, at times I thought I was going mad because he just kept lying, but to me truth was everything and I literally couldn't help myself - I HAD to get to the bottom of it, no matter how painful.

By total contrast my ex SIL is married to his brother who has also had affairs /cheated. (I know this from my ex H who he had confided in.) She doesn't know about the affairs as such, but I remember one drunken conversation with her when she was unusually candid and said that if she was really honest she thought he had probably cheated in the past, that there were warning signs, but she 'couldn't go there' and didn't want to because she couldn't bear it and didn't want to upset the status quo.

Is there a case for burying your head in the sand? They are still together, apparently very happily so. They have been married now for over 25 years. I have no idea if he still cheats. But she made it clear that if she had suspicions or if there were signs that she would bury them and turn a blind eye because she loves her husband and children, loves her (very privileged) life and doesn't want that to change?

If you read my first post Impeach then I explained there. I've clarified and explained in future posts. Yes, it's entirely down to interpretation because it can't be anything else. The way you describe your SILs actions (or lack) grated on me, that and the huge amount of detail you gave about her situation.

Anyway, if you say that you weren't making yourself out to be 'in the right' then fair enough but you did say that your SIL buried her head in the sand, which isn't positive.

I really didn't intend and don't want to get into a forensic analysis. Your OP was 'off' to me and I commented but you've explained and I've explained and I don't want to derail your thread any more.

I agree with Lying witch.

Ha ha but the SIL has buried her head in the sand!

Not sure how else to describe SIL's attitiude other THAN burying her head on the sand? Don't see that it is a particularly negative way to describe it?

I genuinely don't know how they do it. I kept info to myself for 6 weeks before confronting and it about killed me. I think undoubtedly lifestyle may play a part here in many cases. If it's damn good and secure and you don't have much going for you career wise, it may just be self protection , but it must be a bit soul destroying

I think if STIs didn't exist it would be more of an option. If you know your partner is having sex with other people you need pretty frequent tests, afaik. So I don't know how putting it out of my mind would work with having to do that (especially given they're not the easiest thing to get where I live; I swear the clinic make visiting as inconvenient as possible!).

But I don't think I could anyway because of the lying. It's perfectly possible to have a relationship where one or both of you has sex with other people, and I'd happily consider having one of those, but people who sneak around and trick monogamous people into non-monogamous situations give me the creeps.

I can't respect them and can't remain attracted to someone I don't respect. Where I've still had sex with someone I no longer respected, my feelings of "attraction" were actually based in fear; I don't think they were genuine. I didn't want sex, I wanted reassurance and positive attention.

Once that fearful, trauma-bonding kind of state comes to an end, there's no attraction left. I think some people in relationships stay in that state permanently and that's how they manage to stay with someone who treats them badly. But it must damage their health, I would have thought; that level of stress can't be good for you.