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Original poster

I want a 2nd child, DH doesn't

45 replies

PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 17:52

We have a young baby, but luckily things have calmed down since those first hard weeks! So a conversation came up about brothers and sisters.
I am from a fairly large family and DH is an only child , so we have different experiences as children ( i loved my siblings and he loved having the attention) but because of the difficult start.. DH out right says no for any more.
I wasn't even suggesting anything soon! I was thinking more in a few years time, but even when I said that he said no, this time has been so hard on him! Which i think is s bit OTT as He got a few weeks off work and me and a baby have slept in separate rooms when he works so he doesn't have a disturbed night! I've made things as easy as they can be for him!
At first I thought it was because we are new parents but after talking to him properly that's definitely not the case. He is adamant no more. Im not quite sure what to do... if anything! Any advice? X

OP posts:
everythingisempty · 10/01/2018 17:59

Leave it for now.
Talk with him about it in a few years.

category12 · 10/01/2018 17:59

Is this the first time the size of your family together has been discussed or has he changed his mind?

If he's adamant that he doesn't want more and you're adamant that you do, then it's whether it's a dealbreaker: split or one of you changes their mind. (And tbh, it should be you as I think it's wrong to bring a child into a relationship where he or she may be resented.)

Capelin · 10/01/2018 18:05

This is a tricky one OP. Neither of you are ‘wrong’ and his choice is as valid as yours but unfortunately there’s no compromise on this one!

You can’t force him to have another child and I imagine you wouldn’t want to have one anyway unless he really wanted to. So I’m afraid that, unless he changes his mind, you’ll just have to live with it.

crunched · 10/01/2018 18:15

catagory12 Is this the first time the size of your family together has been discussed or has he changed his mind?

I'm sure you must have discussed this before beginning to procreate, so, assuming the latter, I would agree with everythingisempty and wait until the early, stressful months of a newborn are over. If the former, then you knew what to expect.

category12 · 10/01/2018 18:19

Well no, sometimes people assume or events overtake them - like unplanned pregnancies or fast-moving relationships.

Original poster
PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 18:19

When discussing before hand, I've always said I wanted 2 min . 3 ideally most. Had no complaints or opposing opinions before. 2 was what we both had in mind until I asked him again yesterday x

OP posts:
category12 · 10/01/2018 18:22

I'd give it a few months then revisit the issue in that case. I wouldn't wait years tho.

Enidblyton1 · 10/01/2018 18:23

Just don't mention it again until you are both sleeping properly

NapQueen · 10/01/2018 18:24

Maybe once the baby is one you can revisit it? If its important to you to give ds a sibling then you will have a tough choice if he maintains his no.

Original poster
PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 18:25

He's been sleeping fine! X

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 10/01/2018 18:25

Park it. Now is not the time. The mental adjustment to parenthood is tough.
Dh didct want a second. 18 months later he had changed his mind.10 years later we had a third.

Buglife · 10/01/2018 18:29

Both DH and I were adamant we only wanted one child, thorn when DS was 2 I became less Sure and mentioned a second child possibility, he was still adamantly against it. Now DS is 3 and a half and I’m getting my 12 week scan tomorrow, as we both kind of said “well if it happens OK” and immediately conceived. So as things go on things changed. I had NO desire to have another with a still needy toddler, but with a 3 year old at pre school it seemed feasible.

NotTheFordType · 10/01/2018 18:33

How old is your baby? I'm assuming only a few months max as you mention "those first hard weeks".

It sounds like having a baby has been a bit of a culture shock for him. It's not just the sleeping, let's be honest - children change EVERYTHING in your life. No more spontaneous trips to the pub, everything has to be meticulously planned and revolves around the needs of a tiny human.

Yes he should have really been aware of this before, but many people aren't!

I would give it a couple of years and then raise it again. If he is still against then you have a hard choice to make - leave the relationship and look for someone else who would want another child, or accept that you're raising an only child, and make sure your child makes close friendships and has the opportunity to visit often with cousins, etc.

seven201 · 10/01/2018 18:33

My dd is now 19 months and my dh has finally changed his mind from only wanting one to wanting two. How old is your dc?

Original poster
PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 18:44

Only half a year old xxx

OP posts:
Zoomtune · 10/01/2018 19:16

How old are you?

Original poster
PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 20:15

I'm early 30s x

OP posts:
Liz38 · 10/01/2018 20:16

We had said one and then we'll see. After we had DD I definitely wanted a second, DH definitely didn't. We talked about it at intervals, now DD is nearly 8 and is remaining an only child. I'd have had to apply a lot of emotional pressure to get him to agree to a second and that just didn't feel right. I still regret it sometimes but it's not as painful as it used to be. On the plus side our family works very well as we are.
As other posters have said, wait for a while and see if he still feels the same. If he does then see if it's a deal breaker or if you can live with it. And do enjoy this baby while you're at it!

glow1984 · 10/01/2018 20:21

I think you need to drop it for a little while. DS is 18 months old and neither of us are sure we want another one, although we had both said we wanted 2 or 3 initially!

Becoming a parent is a big adjustment, and babies are boring to begin with lol. He might start changing his mind when the LO starts developing a real personality.

LadyLapsang · 10/01/2018 20:42

You mentioned you are sleeping with the baby and your DH sleeps elsewhere, is that a regular thing?

Original poster
PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 22:44

Its only "school nights " so I sleep in another room with the baby when DH gas work the next day so he gets a good night's sleep! X

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 10/01/2018 22:48

Hmm. It’d be a deal breaker for me if we had discussed a number of children and dh turned around and said only 1. But, with baby 6 months I’d say I’m not dropping this, we will talk about it again when they are one. When you say you made it as easy as you can for him, does he actually parent? Take baby out on it’s own etc? I certainly didn’t make it as easy as I could for my dh, we were in this parenting thing together.

Zoomtune · 10/01/2018 23:10

Ok. Early 30's I would say park it for a year or two. His views may change and two toddlers is incredibly hard work. Much easier when one at Nursery/School

juwayriyyah31 · 11/01/2018 04:42

From experience just leave it for now op. No point getting yourself hurt about the future.once the little one started to get bit more older and do cute things,he would want another one .

octonaught · 11/01/2018 04:59

Looks like after 6 months, your DH wants his wife back.
I know sleeping in another room means he gets sleep. But as you mentioned up thread, he is an only child and used to the attention.
So your DH is sleeping fine. What about the baby & you?
Need to get lo sleeping through the night & you & DH back in the same bed before you broach another baby.