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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I want a 2nd child, DH doesn't

45 replies

PennyBBT · 10/01/2018 17:52

We have a young baby, but luckily things have calmed down since those first hard weeks! So a conversation came up about brothers and sisters.
I am from a fairly large family and DH is an only child , so we have different experiences as children ( i loved my siblings and he loved having the attention) but because of the difficult start.. DH out right says no for any more.
I wasn't even suggesting anything soon! I was thinking more in a few years time, but even when I said that he said no, this time has been so hard on him! Which i think is s bit OTT as He got a few weeks off work and me and a baby have slept in separate rooms when he works so he doesn't have a disturbed night! I've made things as easy as they can be for him!
At first I thought it was because we are new parents but after talking to him properly that's definitely not the case. He is adamant no more. Im not quite sure what to do... if anything! Any advice? X

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 11/01/2018 10:53

When discussing before hand, I've always said I wanted 2 min . 3 ideally most. Had no complaints or opposing opinions before. 2 was what we both had in mind until I asked him again yesterday

If you'd had a tacit agreement for more than one, then he's the one in the wrong. He should have made it clear.

FWIW I partially agree with leaving it for now, but I DON'T agree with you having to be the one pussyfooting around. Your position hasn't changed.

Personally I would be making it clear that while I was totally in agreement that spacing of children was up for discussion and that right now is clearly not the time to need to talk about another, I was also clear that I always intended to have more than one child and still absolutely do. And that if he had changed his mind, then he needed to think very hard about committing to that over the next year or so as it could well prove a dealbreaker.

Not on for him to nod along then move the goalposts.

PJsAndProsecco · 11/01/2018 11:20

Your baby is only 6 months old. Leave it a while and broach the subject later down the line. Its a huge adjustment having a baby and from the other side of this, I felt nowhere near ready to have another until DD turned 2. It was only around her 2nd birthday I started to warm to the idea of having another. Up until then I wouldn't have been able to contemplate it.

timeisnotaline · 11/01/2018 20:32

Exactly what fizzy said. Yes leave it but make it clear the discussion isn’t over , he changed the goalposts without discussion and this may be a dealbreaker.

strangerhoes · 11/01/2018 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PennyBBT · 12/01/2018 08:45

Yeah I know I probably should leave it... I did mention it again! He said we should enjoy one we have which I totally agree with. But then he went on to say that he's didnt really want any.. but if he did, he always only really wanted 1! We were both tired as it was late so I didn't push an argument but feel a bit heartbroken.... why didn't he say something before :-( x

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/01/2018 09:04

I agree with others.
Enjoy your baby for now.
Tackle this in a year and see what happens.
Then take it from there.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/01/2018 10:10

He didn't say something before because he was being dishonest with you.

If you had made it clear that you wanted more than one, and he very clearly kept his mouth shut at that point, then I'm afraid the logical conclusion is that he thought 'Oh I'd better not say I don't want a larger family, or she might leave.' Now that you have a child together and it's obviously much much harder to leave, he can come clean.

Which is utterly awful.

And which is why you call his bluff and say, well I wish you'd said something about this before we had our first child, as it is a dealbreaker for me. We will end up splitting I'm afraid, as I want more children.

You put the ball in his court. And he will either say, well, that's what I really want, NO MORE - and then you decide whether to follow through and split. Or, and this is perhaps more likely, he will agree to have another because he would choose a second child rather than a divorce. In other words, he'd prefer not to have another, and will try his best to manipulate you so that that happens - but if you push back hard enough, he'll back down.

I have seen the latter happen before, I don't think it's that unusual (and in a situation where the man keeps quiet until the first baby has arrived, like here, I have NO sympathy for him at all). In the couple I knew, the bottom line was that he ended up a not massively involved parent and so didn't actually feel any desire for a second and given the choice would have plumped for just not doing it all again. His wife felt extremely strongly about it and basically said, I couldn't live with that and stay with you, so we'd be over. He ended up deciding that he preferred having a second child to being divorced - quite simple really. One assumes that if he truly felt, viscerally, stonrgly - that he absolutely hated the thought of another child (which is his right) then they would have split. But, he actually didn't. He just chanced his arm to get the result he would have preferred, and was knocked back.

timeisnotaline · 12/01/2018 15:04

If he actually admitted that then I’d be pretty mad. I’d say what fizzy wrote about this is a dealbreaker and our marriage will probably not last as in a year or two I will want more children. I wanted them with you but I didn’t know you have been lying to me.

Capelin · 12/01/2018 16:01

It does sound as if he’s not been completely straight with you Sad

BewareOfDragons · 12/01/2018 16:23

I would honestly consider telling him you might have to rethink staying with him since the '1 child' policy came as a complete shock to you and you never agreed that your child wouldn't have a sibling.

Seriously. Yes, it might be too soon, now, but he's already making it clear that he won't have another one, even though he isn't doing the heavy lifting with this one anyway. If you truly want your child to grow up with siblings, you may need to reevaluate your entire relationship and consider finding a new one.

Make him think long and hard about what he's asking you to give up. And what you want for your child.

MessyBun247 · 12/01/2018 16:29

Are people not allowed to change their minds??!

Maybe in the past he thought he wanted 2, but now the baby is here and the reality of being a parent isn’t what he thought it was. He’s content now to just have one.

Why do people assume he was lying when he originally said he wanted 2?

He may change his mind again once the dc is a bit older.

PennyBBT · 12/01/2018 16:37

Read my last post above. ... x

OP posts:
TakeTheCrown · 12/01/2018 17:37

Six months is still very young and quite labour intensive. Put the conversation on ice until the baby is at least past a year old.

(And also, if that's his attitude I hope he's taking at least partial responsibility for contraception. Far too often the thread "I'm pregnant but he doesn't want the baby" comes up on this board and it's nearly always men who don't want kids but also don't want to bother with condoms.)

PennyBBT · 12/01/2018 21:16

I feel so stuck :( he's totally gone back on what he said (now saying he's didnt really want any in the first place. .... but if he did, he always only really wanted 1!) I need to have a big think x

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 12/01/2018 22:14

Make sure he knows you are having a big think. He shouldn’t be protected from this.

RedastheRose · 12/01/2018 22:28

Fizzygreenwater is right. He doesn't get to move the goalposts and walk away. Tell him exactly what fizzy said, now is obviously not the time to talk but the conversation isn't over and he doesn't get to put the guilt onto you.

Parenting is hard and he shouldn't have lied to you a wanting children if he didn't.

namechangedtoday15 · 12/01/2018 22:32

We have friends in exactly the same position, interestingly he's also an only child. I do think perhaps as a happy only child, you don't miss the joy of siblings because it's not something you've ever had and at the risk of making a sweeping generalisation (just based on this friend), he was used to getting his own way. They haven't had any more children.

I agree with Fizzy. I'd set my stall out that it would be parked for now but it was a fundamental discussion that needed to be had in a few months and I'd make it clear that it potentially would be a deal breaker.

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2018 11:22

We talked about children before getting married. If my dh has done is to me after ds1 was born it would have been a dealbreaker absolutely. He would have to see his ds at arranged contact and id be looking for another guy to complete my family with. APart from I am not happy with only one child,I couldn’t get over lying about something so incredibly fundamental to me.

PennyBBT · 13/01/2018 17:41

Hes not noticed that I've been acting off. Should i wait and see or deal break sooner.?xx

OP posts:
Capelin · 13/01/2018 18:20

Could you do something in between? Tell him you’re upset about the conversation you had earlier. Ask if he really meant that? See what he says and then do a bit of serious thinking.

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