Calling experienced mothers for advice because I am FAILING at being a mother to 2 wonderful boys

[SMarie123]

Ds1 will be 2 at the end of Feb and ds2 is 3 months. Everyone tells me ds1 is adorable and I am blessed but he drives me insane (which I feel terrible for saying!) but fills me with love at the same time (especially when I reflect on the day as opposed to living it!) Ds2 is an easy newborn who sleeps 8 hours a night, in the day he needs feeding or holding all the time, normal enough I know!

The problem I have is I can't manage the two of them together. If I have to do even an hour I am stressed and I actually have never left the house with the 2 of them on my own apart from for creche runs. The reason I can't leave the house is ds1 wants to be carried everywhere, my double buggy only works if they are both in the seated position (3 more months!). When dh and I are out together he does go in a second single buggy. Any tips on how I can overcome this? How can I get him to walk beside me? I have tried refusing point blank to carry him and he does walk eventually.... this works in the park but wouldn't in the supermarket, he can't lie on the floor of the supermarket floor while we battle wills.

This brings me to when we are in the house... he is obsessed with the baby unless someone is putting all their effort into distracting him. So full of love but doesn't know his own strength. If the baby is asleep he is constantly touching him. Wakes him up and then the baby is crying.

If I am feeding my the baby he wants to feed the baby. I have had to allow him to feed the baby and with a full bottle he is pretty good but he just doesn't want to give it up.

He always wants to hold him (clearly under supervision)and it seems to be the only thing in the world that doesn't bore him. The baby ends up in an uncomfortable position and ends up crying.

He wants to kiss every bit of him (as a consequence the baby is always sick) his kisses come with head butts so the baby is always crying.

If he hears the baby cry from anywhere in the house he is virtually hyperventilating to get to him. He brings blankets (which he puts over his head) and bottles (with his grubby paws in the teats) and is determined to feed him.

The newest thing is he wants to carry the baby, thank god he isn't even strong enough to even get him upright (the baby is the size of a six month old).

The only thing he doesn't want to do is push the buggy and that is because he doesn't walk!??!?

I have tried trying to involve ds1 but it is never enough. He doesn't want to bring me the nappy he wants to change the nappy. He doesn't want to bring the bottle he wants to feed the baby. The end result is the baby is crying because the toddler is making him hurt/ uncomfortable. The toddler is crying because he can't be super nanny and I am losing the will to live!!!!! I am constantly screaming in my head "leave the baby alone!". The only individual that is happy is the dog because he used to get the constant love and attention from ds1.

I have to get ds1 out of the house as soon as possible in the morning, in the evening I can only cope if dh is there distracting him or keeping the baby silent in another room. I am not getting any quality time with ds1 on maternity leave.

Any advice? Dh says this is a phase and we just need to get through it but 3 months is a long phase and how long will it go on for?!?? How can I rein in my overloving (overbearing toddler) ? My mother says the more exposure he has to ds2 the less of a novelty but I can't even get to 10:30am from 8:30 start. She says I worry too much about the baby and he is more robust then I think...

How can I enjoy both of them? Other people manage in this situation without a creche. Other people are childminders and presumably have their sanity. I probably sound lighthearted in this description but I am not inside, in am pulling my hair out with frustration and feeling like a failure at multitasking

Firstly- give yourself a break. I'm sure you're a brilliant mother, and it's hard having two young ones. And do what I did, which absolutely saved my mental health when DC2 was born. Get a sling. A good one. I carried DC2 everywhere, at home and outside, and it gives you so much freedom. DC2 will be happy and you can literally carry on as if he's not even there, and get on with jobs, do what you like with DC1 etc.

You’re not failing at all. I barely left the house when I had a 7 yo and 2 under 2. Go easy on yourself, it does get easier.

Yes to a sling.

And a buggy board so my toddler would stand on that instead of sit or walk.

What buggy do you have? We had a Phil and teds which had a bit for little babies.

I would take interesting routes with lots of walls to walk on etc etc so I could engage my toddler all the way.

Get into a routine. So every morning we’d walk into town to the library/shops/park.

Try getting him a toy baby to play with as well.

I don't think there's such a thing as enjoying 2 under 2. It's as tough as it gets. I think you sound so wonderful, loving, brilliant, and overwhelmed. Welcome to the club! I have 3 kids, huge age gaps, I still bash my head against the wall, however it really will get easier. Just not soon enough really.

All DC1's qualities that are aggravating the hell out of you (they would annoy any of us mums) are actually beautiful and loving, enthusiastic and enterprising traits which he'll grow into wonderfully over time. He sounds like an awesome, hands-on, empathetic soul trapped in an annoying two year old's body.

Do you have a local playgroup where DC1 can be let loose while you sit with baby in the corner (bad pun intended)?

Why can’t he go in the Oran for another three months?

Please just put him in the double buggy! He is so young he doesn’t have a choice. He is not in charge - you are!

Buy one of those straps that goes in your wrist and his - this way he is attached to you when out

Also can you buy him a dolly? Inc bottle and nappies I’m sure he would love it

This is just a phase - it will get easier

On my goodness, I'm sorry but your ds1 sounds adorable! I'm sure it must drive you absolutely potty, but he sounds so lovely - like an over-enthusiastic and lovable puppy. Your comment about the dog made me laugh too

Ok, from a practical point of view I second the sling idea. You can carry the baby which means you physically won't be able to carry ds1 and then he can go in the buggy. Or what about a scooter or balance bike? You can get scooters with seats to begin with until they get their balance. Maybe he'd feel more grown up but also it's not actual 'walking' ( which both mine hate btw, but will bike /scoot for miles!). Plus it's exercise, which might help tire him out a little? Ok, only a little, I don't think I've ever properly tired out my children, but at least it takes the edge off their boundless energy.

At home, maybe you could play the 'big boy' card a bit more with ds? Get him helping with other things? Laying the table, helping 'cook'. Emphasise that only he can help as the baby's too little etc.

Or any new toys that really capture his attention? It seems to me that you need something to take up his attention, so that when baby needs feeding or a nappy change, then he might be too distracted to want to help quite so much?

Good luck, you have my sympathy.

YY to a dolly, it was great when I was trying to feed DS2 and DD (11 months older) wanted to help. She had her own kit and just got on with it. DS1 wasn’t really interested or I’d have got him one too!

Do you have a wrap? Ds lived in his wrap indoors and out. It spared my arms in the house a's I could get on with jobs and spend time with dd.

If you could put the baby in a wrap then Ds can go in the push chair and you can get out to some toddler groups.

It is a phase and it does get easier but you need some strategies to cope for the next few months.

Do you have a friend with a child a similar age who can come for a play date 1 day a week (make it a regular)?

Can dh take Ds out for a few hours on a Saturday to give you a break?

Messy play with paint or water on the bathroom floor (baby can lie on a towel you can do footprints or sensory with baby while playing with ds)?

If I have trouble getting ds to something I time him. He loves the competative nature eg how quickly can you bring me a nappy etc..

A wrap is the best though. You might have a local sling library nearby (mine would come to the house). Sure start or your local library might have details.

Sling for the baby.

A doll with all the accessories for DS2 (and teaching him to be gentle).

he can't lie on the floor of the supermarket floor while we battle wills.

Yes, he can! Stressful and annoying as it is for you and other shoppers, though a sling would also solve this problem.

DS1 sounds awesome and you are a wonderful mummy (I'm sure DS2 is also awesome) .

Can you ask DS1 to do things for you instead of for the baby? I.e. Mummy needs a biscuit while she is feeding the baby, can he make you a cup of tea (with a pretend tea set), maybe get some of those pretend cakes with velcro pieces and he can get you a piece of cake and cup of tea.

Can you ask him to do something easy for you, like tidy up toys?

I also second getting him his own boy doll, that he can name (can be DS2's name maybe?) and coo over and feed etc.

Also get yourself a sling for DS2 and a sling for DS1's baby.

*DS1! Ha ha

He is 2, you seem to have high expectations of him regarding walking and battling of wills

SMarie - you sound like a great caring Mum. Things will get easier.

A sling is a good idea.

Keep going - I have 2 DS's with a similar age gap, who are now strapping teenagers, and yes it can be difficult and you see no way out, but won't be long before they are playing nicely together.

You sound like a wonderful mum. I’m a lone parent to twin boys. I’ve had to bring them up completely by myself, in the early days we didn’t leave the house!! It does get better xx

Wow, I am feeling touched by all the thoughtful and appropriate responses.

Ok I am going to get a sling. I bought a baby Bjorn before the super nanny himself was born but it killed my lower back. I need to find a more appropriate one (suggestions for anyone who has a bad back appreciated). Ds2 (aka chubby chops) is a big boy (7.2 kg which is about 16lb)

It would be great then to get out with the buggy.

Re scooters and balance bikes. Would 2 years be a bit small? Any suggestions? I never would have thought of this, even thinking about it is making me think the opening scenes of casualty.....

I am going to try the doll, maybe he can get a sling for said doll.

Don't get me wrong I don't expect him to walk to far. At the moment he won't walk around the house unless he is on one of his missions.

He is well able to walk, if we let him hold the dogs lead he will walk like rob heffernan (literally because the dog pulls him along) but then if the dog sees a squirrel he is gone, gone, gone! I used to have two leads 1 for the toddler and a long one for me but now ds1 takes grave offence to assistance on this task.

For a scooter I'd go for something like this:
www.micro-scooters.co.uk/childrens/1-2-years/scooters/mini-3in1

Plus a scooter pull if you want to keep hold of him /pull him uphill when he's tired.
pull

You are amazing. Being a single parent is so hard.

It does depend on where you live though. You want smooth pavements for a scooter.

If you do more off-road walks then a balance bike might be better. Mine learnt at two, so I should think it would be fine.

I have 5dc. I would say I am a confident, experienced mum.

But I had a 2 year gap between dc3 and 4 and it was honestly the worst time of my life. I felt like I was drowning and I don't know how I survived it. But I did. I woke up one day and it had become easier all of a sudden. So much easier, that we then had dc5! We had a 3 year gap between the others and it was so much easier.

The only bit that stands out to me is that you are expecting a lot from a 2 year old. I would put the baby in a sling and put him in a buggy. They will both get used to it.

No option but to just keep going. Your DH is right. It is a phase. Easier to say when you're not the one facing it every day though!

We have a Phil and teds as well. I found having ds1 on top of the baby cocoon attachment actually puts pressure on the baby. Did I tell you I make giants?!! The funny thing is dh and I are slender so we look all wrong lol. Maybe I did it wrong... must look at you tube. Ds2 actually fills the baby cocoon so I need to find another solution anyway

My dc4 weighed 11lbs at birth. I used a wrap sling and managed to carry him for months in it. I used a bjorn with dc1 and 2 and I only managed a couple of weeks with it.

I can still occasionally carry my 4 year old in the wrap on my back for short walks.

It’s really hard. It gets easier. You are not failing!!!

Buggy board, sling, baby doll with a toy buggy All help. Try to get to a sling library, I still occasionally find myself slinging the 2.3yr old, so might find it’s not (only) the baby that goes up!

And yes, toddler on the floor yelling in public happens to all of us, ignore any judgemental twats.

Sorry haven't read all the replies but could you try getting ds1 a baby doll that does all the real things like cry and stuff and buy a buggy and accessories for the doll so that he can push that and pretend to have his own baby whilst you push real pushchair? Sorry if it's already been suggested

I have two kids - there is 2 years and 3 months between them. Thankfully now they are 6 and 8, life is a lot easier (and they are really close).

Would definitely suggest a sling. For sling - either fabric wrap or try an ergo (they are designed to be better for backs as have support belt that actually goes round waist). We had DD in our ergo at times until she was 4.

For the over-loving DS - perhaps give him certain "responsibilities" which are his alone - i.e. if baby is crying, his job is to come and find you and then find "special toy" for baby. You could also suggest that his job is to "entertain" baby - by building towers in front of baby, or by dancing or whatever.