Calling experienced mothers for advice because I am FAILING at being a mother to 2 wonderful boys

[SMarie123]

Ds1 will be 2 at the end of Feb and ds2 is 3 months. Everyone tells me ds1 is adorable and I am blessed but he drives me insane (which I feel terrible for saying!) but fills me with love at the same time (especially when I reflect on the day as opposed to living it!) Ds2 is an easy newborn who sleeps 8 hours a night, in the day he needs feeding or holding all the time, normal enough I know!

The problem I have is I can't manage the two of them together. If I have to do even an hour I am stressed and I actually have never left the house with the 2 of them on my own apart from for creche runs. The reason I can't leave the house is ds1 wants to be carried everywhere, my double buggy only works if they are both in the seated position (3 more months!). When dh and I are out together he does go in a second single buggy. Any tips on how I can overcome this? How can I get him to walk beside me? I have tried refusing point blank to carry him and he does walk eventually.... this works in the park but wouldn't in the supermarket, he can't lie on the floor of the supermarket floor while we battle wills.

This brings me to when we are in the house... he is obsessed with the baby unless someone is putting all their effort into distracting him. So full of love but doesn't know his own strength. If the baby is asleep he is constantly touching him. Wakes him up and then the baby is crying.

If I am feeding my the baby he wants to feed the baby. I have had to allow him to feed the baby and with a full bottle he is pretty good but he just doesn't want to give it up.

He always wants to hold him (clearly under supervision)and it seems to be the only thing in the world that doesn't bore him. The baby ends up in an uncomfortable position and ends up crying.

He wants to kiss every bit of him (as a consequence the baby is always sick) his kisses come with head butts so the baby is always crying.

If he hears the baby cry from anywhere in the house he is virtually hyperventilating to get to him. He brings blankets (which he puts over his head) and bottles (with his grubby paws in the teats) and is determined to feed him.

The newest thing is he wants to carry the baby, thank god he isn't even strong enough to even get him upright (the baby is the size of a six month old).

The only thing he doesn't want to do is push the buggy and that is because he doesn't walk!??!?

I have tried trying to involve ds1 but it is never enough. He doesn't want to bring me the nappy he wants to change the nappy. He doesn't want to bring the bottle he wants to feed the baby. The end result is the baby is crying because the toddler is making him hurt/ uncomfortable. The toddler is crying because he can't be super nanny and I am losing the will to live!!!!! I am constantly screaming in my head "leave the baby alone!". The only individual that is happy is the dog because he used to get the constant love and attention from ds1.

I have to get ds1 out of the house as soon as possible in the morning, in the evening I can only cope if dh is there distracting him or keeping the baby silent in another room. I am not getting any quality time with ds1 on maternity leave.

Any advice? Dh says this is a phase and we just need to get through it but 3 months is a long phase and how long will it go on for?!?? How can I rein in my overloving (overbearing toddler) ? My mother says the more exposure he has to ds2 the less of a novelty but I can't even get to 10:30am from 8:30 start. She says I worry too much about the baby and he is more robust then I think...

How can I enjoy both of them? Other people manage in this situation without a creche. Other people are childminders and presumably have their sanity. I probably sound lighthearted in this description but I am not inside, in am pulling my hair out with frustration and feeling like a failure at multitasking

Oh my goodness, that sounds hard. I have one ds of 2 and I have days when I feel like an utter failure and cry at how useless I am - 2 under 2 is bloody heroic!

Slingwise I'd say find out if you have a sling library locally and try a few out. Some people love wraps - I didn't, I had a Boba 4g which is a buckle carrier, and loved it. I have only just stopped using it, and that's only because DS is now so heavy that I struggle to safely get him up onto my back over my winter coat. I used it from when he was about three months old so we've had good value from it too. It is such an individual thing though, so best to try some out.

We just got ds a Bumper Bumble balance bike which I am teaching him to ride - it's great if you are needing to offroad as the tyres are foam rather than pneumatic, so no punctures. It's also very light to carry (and that also makes it easier for a small child to balance).

You sound amazing and am sure are doing better than me! I have a 2.4yr old and a 4month old and feel guilty every day because I kept the 2.4 yr old in nursery for three days, but the two days I have them both, I am nearly crying by 10am!! I am seriously thinking of going back to the four days at nursery I had when I was at work!

I do have a sling though. I’m not that great at using it, but it does mean making lunch and dinner every day is possible (I too have a dc2 who just likes to be on me all the time)

There might well be a sling library near you where you could try different ones that don’t kill your back (baby bjorns can be a terror for that)
I have a manduca now, suits both me and DP, but I’ve heard good things about ergobaby. There are loads.
I’m no good at wrapping, but that can be an amazing help, and something that sling libraries can help with.

I keep telling myself it will get easier.

I also allow myself to use the tv if it gets hard. Unfortunately DC1 will only watch cbeebies pantos. Slightly repetitive!

Any way you can change your buggy? Your DS2 is only tiny. You could have another year of him sometimes needing to lie back and sleep in your buggy while DS1 wants to sit.

Get on the Affordable Baby Slings For Sale or Swap Facebook group. You'll get good advice and perhaps a bargain. Sling library a good idea if there's one close to you. A structured carrier with more support might be better for you. I hate the babybjorn too - love my Tula though. Be wary of getting one with too much padding if you're going to use indoors though as you may melt.
As for the two year old, I fear you are going to have to cause him offence. It's too bad really but you're the parent and if something needs to be done or not done for his safety or that of his little brother then he'll have to learn boundaries. Hard at two - mine is three so a little easier to rationalise with but best in the long run.

You must be doing something very right to have such a loving child. Exasperating though it is! Sling and buggy board and yes to a doll plus accessories for ds1. Put the moses basket inside a travel cot to keep him safe from his big brother. The novelty does wear off once the baby starts moving and can interfere with the older one's play and toys!

Try to do some core strengthening exercises if your back is Bad with a sling. 1 hour of Pilates a week made a MASSIVE difference to my back pain.

Haven't rtft but yes get a sling. I would also carry on praising him but say while baby is sleeping you want to spend some alone time with him.playing big boy games. Just you and him. He does sound adorable and please don't feel bad it sounds like you are doing a good job raising such a loving son It is hard work. Some people don't leave the house with one.