AIBU to get upset or will I end up resenting him?

[dreamingofprairies]

This might end up being quite long, please bear with me.

My DP and I are in our late twenties, in a relationship about 2 years and living together for a little over a year now.

Generally our relationship is really good. We get along, he makes me laugh, he is kind and smart.
We had some issues at the beginning of our relationship, some small annoying white lies, he dropped off Uni (he changed the subject of his studies 3 times in 8 years) and got his first “real” job. Just to elaborate on that a little bit. He is very intelligent and smart, but in his own words, he always has been an underachiever. He couldn’t stuck to his studies (computer science, physics, aeronautics). He finally decided to quit the studies for good and get a job. His family is very lovely and we get along very well. His parents were quite openly disappointed with his past flakiness when it comes to studying and being an adult. They did mention on quite a few occasions that I have been a great influence on him and they are happy to see us together etc.

I wasn’t very concerned about any of this as I myself decided to change a career and retrain in something else. I was paying a bigger part of our bills while he was looking for a job, but since he found one it all went back to normal. No issues there. He has also been very supportive i my desire to change my career etc. Since he started a new job (about 5 months ago), he has been very good with money and responsible about his new career and professional future.

Now for to the issue. For the past few months, I noticed we are not connecting that much. We spend our evenings together, we cuddle and watch TV, but our sex life has been not that great (less regular and less initiating on his part)
We have sex about once a week (I know, not too bad, but less than what we used to), however I am the one who is initiated it most of the time. He usually says he is too tired, which I don’t have issues with, but he won’t initiate the next day or basically until I do. It didn’t bother me for some time, but after a while I mentioned it and the conversation didn’t go that great.
He felt that I was making a bigger issue out of it than it was and that when I make it sounds like an issue then he doesn’t feel particularly sexy.
He did say he will put more effort into initiating more (he didn’t feel like he wasn’t doing it). That didn’t happen though. I brought it up a few more times, but after that I just gave up and started to initiate myself.
Just for the record, when we do have sex it’s great.

He does tell me he loves me everyday and he is very cuddly and affectionate, but for some reason I feel like we are more friends living together than partners. He does tell me I am beautiful and gives me compliments on daily basis, but just doesn't initiate sex. We do go out on date nights, but I am usually the one planning it. We always end up having a great time, but he rarely plans anything on his own (this also applies to our weekends, he will happily stay at home watching TV / playing games unless I organise something).

Yesterday I had quite a big meltdown, part of it was because I got frustrated by feeling rejected sexually again and another part was him just not helping me out at home, This is another issue that I raised with him repeateadly , but again, nothing really changed. I do most of the cleaning (he likes to cook and will help with that) and all of the house admin. He will help me when I ask him numerous times and when I give him specific thing to do. It got to the point where I start to resent him that I am responsible for all of it. When I do get upset about it, he will get up and start cleaning and apologise. But then it goes back to how it was until I get upset or tell him over and over that he needs to help me with XYZ.

I had a massive meltdown yesterday, partly because I felt again rejected by him sexually and partly because of him just not helping me out. I asked him about 10 times in the past 2 weeks to sort out out new electricity contract as it is coming to an end (didn’t happen). Then I tripped on boxes of shelves and shower curtain rail that has been in our storage room for about 9 months and which he never assembled (I asked him numerous times if I should get a handyman if he doesn’t have time / doesn’t want to do it). He always says he wants to do it and then never does. I just exploded.

This morning before he went to work he gave me a cuddle and was very surprised to see me still upset. He even asked if it was because of the sex thing or the cleaning, I just don’t understand how does he not see it’s a big issue.

I know that by the time we both get home tonight, I will be calm and remember that he is very loving and good person and we have a good relationship, but I keep having this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that this will never change and I will eventually resent him for it.

Does anyone have similar experience in relationship? Did it change or did you end up resenting your DP?

Why are you living a life that sounds more like a middle aged couple who have been married 20 years? Want more.

Aw op, unfortunately this is just how he is. Happy with little sex and you doing the housework/cleaning/admin. You have had numerous chats and he obviously doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

Of course he loves you. He only has to do the bare minimum living with you!

My exh was exactly the same and we were together for 20 years. Always the same tedious discussions hoping he would step up. He never did and it was painful to realise that he was happy for me to do the vast majority plus working. Adding kids to the mix further down the line will just mean even more work for YOU.

Review if this is REALLY the relationship you want, you are so young and the world truly is your oyster

If he is already irritating you after only two years this relationship probably isn't one for the long run. He sounds like he won't want to change the way things are because he is happy having a partner who does everything to keep the relationship and household running while he can just coast along not really trying.

Listen to your gut. You're having these feelings for a reason.

He sounds lazy and aloof and him not initiating is destroying your self confidence. It's awful to feel that way.

Thank you all for your replies. It's sad to admit, but they actually made me cry as I know he has been lazy and not really listening to what I need from him until I get upset and he panics.

Yep its a pattern. He panics, promises the world etc etc, then when you shut up he goes back to normal.

You will be having the same conversation for years. Please don't be stupid like me and put up with it for years, end it and tell him exactly why.

You are worth so much more x

Oh my DH is a bit like this! We used to have lots of arguments about jobs/mess/housework but I've learned to accept that his "laziness" is actually the flipside to what I love about his personality... that he's super easy going, laid back, generally very hard to wind up and happy to go along with pretty much any plans or whatever I suggest (I like getting my own way lol!). I bother a lot less about the little things now and he's also got better over time (we're late thirties now) whether that's just age or my constant 'encouragement' I don't know! I often think how would I feel if I lived with someone who was super organized tidy and motivated and who nagged me because i had forgotten to do things etc or when I said "shall we do x on the weekend?" Said "oh no I won't be able to fit that in as I've already planned xyz activities" - that would definitely not work for me! It depends if you feel the same or not I guess?

It's an old story, I'm afraid. Read the book "wifework".

And face it, it's not that you will resent him in future, you already do.

Your best bet, if you're at the tipping point, is to tell him this is a deal breaker and that unless he takes on some of the mental load of housework and budgets, it will kill your relationship stone dead. That this circle of blowup > bit of effort from him > backslide > blowup has to end. And mean it and walk away if it continues. He needs to create the habit of doing things now. Don't be distracted by sudden offers of marriage or greater commitment. Lasting change or leave. Unless you want this to be your life.

ultrareal

True, I didn't really look at it that way. I think if it was just the cleaning bit, I could get over it if he would try a but harder. I am more worried about him being "lazy" / not initiating sex that much anymore. That makes me feel a little bit less confident.

Ruddygreattiger2016

That's what scares me, that he will not really put more effort in. TBF he was very lazy and not very responsible when we met, but changed a lot and he is much more mature when it comes to his work / money. I guess I am still hoping that he will put more effort in when it comes to helping me out at home. But I also heard a lot of stories like yours and that's what makes me wonder.

category12

Thanks for the book suggestion. I will look it up.

I think I am definitely getting to the point where it's a deal breaker. I don't think he believes it's that serious though and he would be very surprised if I ended the relationship over it. I will talk to him again and make sure he understands I am serious and it is a deal breaker.

If he was initiating sex every night and making you feel sexy and confident, I bet the other stuff wouldn't matter to you.

I think it's the fact he's ruining your confidence in bed that you resent him (understandably so, been there and it's horrible).

Perhaps this illustrates the point

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

I'm going to go against the grain and say you do sound quite high maintenance despite the fact he doesn't help out 50/50 which must be frustrating.

Either way, it doesn't sound like it's working

NotAMamaYet

I never thought of myself as high maintenance, but maybe I can come across that way.

The cleaning part would not bother me that much, because I know the reason for that (perhaps he is lazy, he doesn't notice something needs to be done etc). What I don't understand is why would he not initiate sex anymore. As PP said, that does not help my confidence as I keep questioning if it's something I have done / is he not attracted to me anymore..

We haven't had any massive fights or any big changes in our lives, so I am really struggling to understand that one. It also doesn't help that even when I do bring it up, he still doesn't try.

category12

Thank you! That's a really good article. I'll show him tonight and maybe it will make him understand.

constantchange

It has definitely started to affect my confidence. Did you work it out at the end?

It's not high maintenance to expect your partner to actually be a partner.

Look, if you had bought a car and two years later you were sick to death of the dodgy rattle that had never quite got sorted out and the endless expense when it came to MOT time, you'd trade it in.

This is exactly the same really.

Crap sex life, complacent misogynist-in-training happy to sit like a pig in shit and tune out the nagging. Quick panic and cuddles when the girlfriend-machine appears to be malfunctioning at its job, ie putting up and shutting up. Then back to business as usual.

End it, seriously. Because he is a poor partner and you could do better, you should WANT to do better. Not spend precious energy trying to do up a dud. It's not an easy decision when the manchild in question is essentially a nice bloke.

But the fact remains that if you stay with him, you'll have a less nice life. Less sex. Less happiness. More drudgery. More frustration. And quite possibly an eventual divorce after ten years of it and a couple of kids just pushes you over the edge.

He isn't good enough. Don't settle for second, third best.

Also - HOW depressing is it to be talking about your partnership in terms of worrying whether he'll be willing to 'put more effort in'.

'Effort'?! So basically it goes without saying that he would prefer to not pull his weight. He'd prefer to sit on his arse and watch his partner do the cleaning and the ordering and the thinking. He would prefer things to be unfair. He would prefer not to be a team player.

There are plenty of people out there whose idea of a partnership is to be on your side and be part of your team.

Dump him and find someone like that and I predict that the discovery of how it actually feels to be in a REAL partnership with someone who is a good friend to you will be simply bliss.

His parents were quite openly disappointed with his past flakiness when it comes to studying and being an adult. They did mention on quite a few occasions that I have been a great influence on him and they are happy to see us together etc.

This was a red flag. His parents are happy you have taken him off their hands.

I second the Glass By The Sink article.

He is not a keeper, imho.

My first thought on reading your post, from his studies to how he behaves now is he is fundamentally a lazy person and isn't remotely driven in any regard. He basically can't be arsed and his little interest in thr things he "should",by other people's standards, be interested in. Be it education, sex, or looking after his home and sharing the responsibility for that.

He won't change. He's always been like that and always will. It will always be this cycle. So you know who he is deep down, the question is can you accept it, or do you need to move on and find someone who is, well, not lazy.

I don't imagine he will change - as you say yourself, he doesn't think you're that serious and hey, why would he change when you're doing everything for him? And when you are upset, he knows all he has to do is apologise and do ever-so-slightly-more than the usual 'Fuck all' and everything is fine again.

When I was with my ex, I told him I felt I did everything in our relationship - literally, everything. I wrote him letters, tried to have conversations with him, factually writing things out in emails. I might have gotten lucky and he changed for 24-48 hours but then, he went back to 'normal'.

When I dumped him, he was really upset and hysterical, sobbing, begging and pleading - I will always remember our last exchange:

Me: 'I told you I was unhappy and I told you why, I told you how to fix it'
Him: 'I know you told me, but you didn't SHOW MEEEEEEEEE'

And that was that - He couldn't even be arsed to read or appreciate what I was saying to him, he expected me to 'show him' I was upset.

Fuck that for a lark - one of the best decisions I ever made and now I'm with a man who is an equal partner in our relationship.

Have to agree with the majority.......OH recently left after 20 years and 2 kids, and the majority of that time most of the all the work of everything fell to me. Lived through the cycle others are talking about and the amount of resentment I have for that man due to this (and other things) is astounding!!! By the end I felt like nothing more than a glorified secretary, nanny and housekeeper.......Please consider carefully whether he is the man for you to have for the long haul as it will drive you completely insane if he doesn't change!!!

You want a partner and not a child and in effect you're in a relationship with a child (a child is actually better because you raise them your way and they star helping out when they can).

Bad news if he's like this before you even have kids. Can you imagine working,paying the bills, doing all housework , organising all kids stuff (clothes, dentists, school stuff, palydatss, presents, new shoes etc) , childcare etc, getting the kids and you ready before you go to work, organising their clothes and packed lunches for the next day whilst also organising your own work, whilst all he does is get up, get himself ready, go to work, come home and relax. That will be your life.

No, I'm afraid we didn't work it out re. the sex. It got to the point where I was so low on confidence that I never initiated as I didn't want to be palmed off again, so we basically never had sex.

After that I met someone who couldn't keep his hands off me, and it opened up my eyes a lot to the fact that a tonne of guys want sex, and often!

I guess I am still hoping that he will put more effort in when it comes to helping me out at home

When did the domestic work become your responsibility that you expect him to help with. it should all be a joint responsibility that you share.

My husband was like this. Turned out he was looking at porn and wanking every day and had done since he was about 15, it explained a lot about him rejecting me sexually and general extreme immaturity.