AIBU to get upset or will I end up resenting him?

[dreamingofprairies]

This might end up being quite long, please bear with me.

My DP and I are in our late twenties, in a relationship about 2 years and living together for a little over a year now.

Generally our relationship is really good. We get along, he makes me laugh, he is kind and smart.
We had some issues at the beginning of our relationship, some small annoying white lies, he dropped off Uni (he changed the subject of his studies 3 times in 8 years) and got his first “real” job. Just to elaborate on that a little bit. He is very intelligent and smart, but in his own words, he always has been an underachiever. He couldn’t stuck to his studies (computer science, physics, aeronautics). He finally decided to quit the studies for good and get a job. His family is very lovely and we get along very well. His parents were quite openly disappointed with his past flakiness when it comes to studying and being an adult. They did mention on quite a few occasions that I have been a great influence on him and they are happy to see us together etc.

I wasn’t very concerned about any of this as I myself decided to change a career and retrain in something else. I was paying a bigger part of our bills while he was looking for a job, but since he found one it all went back to normal. No issues there. He has also been very supportive i my desire to change my career etc. Since he started a new job (about 5 months ago), he has been very good with money and responsible about his new career and professional future.

Now for to the issue. For the past few months, I noticed we are not connecting that much. We spend our evenings together, we cuddle and watch TV, but our sex life has been not that great (less regular and less initiating on his part)
We have sex about once a week (I know, not too bad, but less than what we used to), however I am the one who is initiated it most of the time. He usually says he is too tired, which I don’t have issues with, but he won’t initiate the next day or basically until I do. It didn’t bother me for some time, but after a while I mentioned it and the conversation didn’t go that great.
He felt that I was making a bigger issue out of it than it was and that when I make it sounds like an issue then he doesn’t feel particularly sexy.
He did say he will put more effort into initiating more (he didn’t feel like he wasn’t doing it). That didn’t happen though. I brought it up a few more times, but after that I just gave up and started to initiate myself.
Just for the record, when we do have sex it’s great.

He does tell me he loves me everyday and he is very cuddly and affectionate, but for some reason I feel like we are more friends living together than partners. He does tell me I am beautiful and gives me compliments on daily basis, but just doesn't initiate sex. We do go out on date nights, but I am usually the one planning it. We always end up having a great time, but he rarely plans anything on his own (this also applies to our weekends, he will happily stay at home watching TV / playing games unless I organise something).

Yesterday I had quite a big meltdown, part of it was because I got frustrated by feeling rejected sexually again and another part was him just not helping me out at home, This is another issue that I raised with him repeateadly , but again, nothing really changed. I do most of the cleaning (he likes to cook and will help with that) and all of the house admin. He will help me when I ask him numerous times and when I give him specific thing to do. It got to the point where I start to resent him that I am responsible for all of it. When I do get upset about it, he will get up and start cleaning and apologise. But then it goes back to how it was until I get upset or tell him over and over that he needs to help me with XYZ.

I had a massive meltdown yesterday, partly because I felt again rejected by him sexually and partly because of him just not helping me out. I asked him about 10 times in the past 2 weeks to sort out out new electricity contract as it is coming to an end (didn’t happen). Then I tripped on boxes of shelves and shower curtain rail that has been in our storage room for about 9 months and which he never assembled (I asked him numerous times if I should get a handyman if he doesn’t have time / doesn’t want to do it). He always says he wants to do it and then never does. I just exploded.

This morning before he went to work he gave me a cuddle and was very surprised to see me still upset. He even asked if it was because of the sex thing or the cleaning, I just don’t understand how does he not see it’s a big issue.

I know that by the time we both get home tonight, I will be calm and remember that he is very loving and good person and we have a good relationship, but I keep having this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that this will never change and I will eventually resent him for it.

Does anyone have similar experience in relationship? Did it change or did you end up resenting your DP?

The op does not at all sound high maintenance!

What MrsMcGarry says - help you round the house? 'Help' run his life? 'Help' Keep his own house/clothes clean? Help shop for his own food? Help pay his own bills? Why is it all your responsibility? If you were struck down with something (or just left) would he not expect to sort out his own stuff, pay his own bills, find his own electricity company, do his own shopping/cooking/cleaning? Why not now? I think you can do better. As pp have said, it'll only get worse. Why should you manage him? Find a grown up to live with who just does drudge stuff and frees up time for fun stuff

I ended my marriage predominantly because of the no sex feeling undesirable etc, it was soul destroying.
I have disabilities and small kids, my exh was a high earner and great around the house but no matter how hard my life is I don’t regret ending things. I’m mid 40s and couldn’t bear the thought of another twenty years of it, you’re nearly half my age so if you stayed together you could have poss 40/50 years more of this shit!
Now I’m single but free to have sex with whoever I want any time.
Or not have sex.
I enjoy it now more than ever before. Am currently having regular sex with someone I’m not in a relationship with. I find it v exciting doing all the prep and build up etc , you can do so much better than this.

Catsick36 my exh turned out to have porn addiction too. At the begging of the relationship sex was ok, I thought we could build up to better sex but he made less and less effort and when we did have sex he was silent, often with eyes closed, it was depressing!

As an ambitious and career-driven woman who hates household chores and admin, I prefer "unambitious" men -- but these men MUST have the ability to be good at household tasks and be able to initiate some themselves, or it's not going to work. At all.

You may find that you like being the "Type A," driven person in your relationship, the one whose career promotions motivate major changes to your standard of living. But if you're someone who's wanting a role closer to that of a traditional "husband," find a man who's a better "wife."

A how the hell can you think this is a good relationship?

B how the FUCK is the op high maintenance???

And yes it sounds like his parents have the measure of him, had probably had enough of trying to chivvy him into having ANY ambition or oomph! That said they raised him!

Was he still living at home when you met him? Did he go to uni locally and so not have to leave home?

Even in a "traditional" relationship which most now recognise as imbalanced, he'd be doing

Household admin inc financial management
Car and home maintenance inc DIY in a timely manner
Have a responsible steady approach to employment
Arrange what we now call "date nights"
Planning holidays

Far as I can tell all he does is work (I'm guessing he's not exactly boss's favourite) and kinda cook (frozen food on a tray??) - which actually is not that much more than bugger all!

Nah! Mn cliche but it REALLY shouldn't be this hard at your ages this early on.

oh god, end it now before you have children with him. Can you imagine trying to get him parent a fussy baby?

I suspect porn. He prefers his hand and video of women he doesn't know to actually having real sex with a real woman.

My husband can be similar about household tasks, but he's a high earner and fine with spending money on someone else cleaning, and lately he been picking up his own things more because he knows it bothers me.

Your "partner" isn't a partner. He is quite lazy in all aspects of life. He's even too lazy to have sex, and that's really something for a heterosexual man. He sounds like pleasant company but perhaps a dog would be a better companion.

Please, please, stop using the word "help", OP. Who taught you that you are responsible for all the housework and if your partner does some too, he is helping you?

How are you doing today OP? Any news?

Wow, thank you all for all the replies. Most of them really hit home.

I read again my OP and my replies and I did notice I am using "help" a lot. Growing up, my parents shared their responsibilities pretty evenly so I don't know why did I feel it's up to me to do majority at home and just get him to "help".
I showed him the article last night as well as this thread. He was very embarrassed (as he should be).
I did make it clear that it is a deal breaker if he doesn't step up and it's up to him to stick to it. He said he just assumed I will tell him what needs to be done and then he will do it, but he gets now that must be annoying for me. Going forward we have divided the responsibilities.

I feel quite good about our conversation last night and I think it definitely helped to read all your replies and personal experiences.

Thank you all again, it was so helpful!

Well done on tackling it head on.
I really hope he steps up and does his share.
Time will tell but hopefully this has been his wake up call.

It needs to really stick and become his normal, so see how it goes over a period. If you're back at this point within a year, it's never going to change.

Well ok, OP. I can see why you feel you have to try! Don't give second chances after this - you'll only be a fool to yourself.

Bottom line is, this is who he is. Lazy, not a team player, someone who sees men and women as fundamentally different and not equal.

Want a genuinely equal, fulfilling relationship? The best way to get it is just to not pick a man like this. Not pick a dud and bust a gut trying to make him change.

Can't make a silk purse and all that!

Two years isn't long.

I would absolutely cut and run and just pick someone who is really, properly worth it.

It's much nicer!

I hope this chat with him works ok and he doesn't slide back. Otherwise I'd tell you to really think about whether you should stay with him. I think in these situations us 'wimmins' end up assuming the role of doing everything because it so frustrating to keep having the same fucking conversation every two months or so. It's easier to just get on with it otherwise you get tired of the sound of your own voice. I agree with other posters that once the children come along, it get's worse. That will be your 'job' too. All of it.

I had thirty years of it and I'm done. The resentment finally killed it for me and believe me it does build up. Especially when you see other men/husbands getting on with things, looking after their kids, able to cook, book holidays, sort out household stuff etc...

Never ever got him to see it, despite letters and 'the talk' every so often, strange, as I was talking in the same language, he couldn't seem to grasp it.

Don't let this be your life.

I am definitely not planning to have this conversation with him again. I made it pretty clear it is a deal breaker and it's entirely up to him to either man up and do his share or it will end our relationship.

I am really glad I posted here, I feel much better.

Thank you all for your opinions and stories

Hope it works out for you.

He's lazy, complacent and relying on you to do all the thinking and planning (and doing).

He might mature into a fully functioning adult or he might regress.

I'd suggest living apart and dating each other to see if there's still enough in your relationship to keep going.

I would set a deadline (only in your head - not to him) to evaluate things. Not too soon and not as far as in a year's time... maybe August and see if he's kept it up.

Don't waste your time on someone who is like this now, because it it will get worse when children come along or the honeymoon period is well and truly over.

Yea, I HOPE he's going to make the changes, but I'm sceptical. Some things are fundamental to who a person is, laziness is one of them.

Review in 6 months if there's no glaringly obvious backsliding in that time, but I agree don't tell him he has a deadline.

Also - it's VERY easy to SAY he'll change, proof will be in the pudding. And that includes him taking on the mental load, if he's bright enough to go to uni it shouldn't be hard for him to realise the dishes need done or a laundry put on. He shouldn't need told.

Good luck

Ah, my ex said the exact same thing. He assumed I would tell him what needed to be done. As though I was his mum. He just lacked a fucking brain cell to actually realise housework is shit but necessary, and to dump it all on the little woman would be a huge fucking mistake.
Good luck with him op, I give it a couple of weeks until he starts 'forgetting' to do stuff. In fact, I would put money on it.
Value yourself a whole lot more, op. Xxxx

Did he address the sexual issues or comment on the suggestion that porn is the problem?