In a relationship with my ex boyfriends brother

[Rosiemay88]

Hi I've been dating my ex boyfriends half brother for just over two years. We live together and are so in love. However my problem is I have a beautiful little boy from my previous relationship with the other brother. I fell pregnant by accident and my ex was very abusive and controlling and his half brother helped me to get out of the relationship. My partner has one kid of his own from a previous relationship and both boys get along great! I wish they weren't half brothers as they are the completely different people and I would love to have children with my current partner as he's fantastic with my little boy as well as his own. But I'm worried about the fact that if we have our own children that they will not only be half siblings but cousins to. I know it's not incest as neither of us are related but I'm worried that this will impact on my little boy. I'm lost as I'm madly in love with my partner but would love to have more children. I'm so low about this as I really believe he is my soul mate. We both get on really well with each other families and have talked about buying a house together and one day getting married. My partner doesn't see it as a problem as his best friends brother and sister are also their cousins. Through a similar situation but I just can't seem to get past this and feel unsure about what to do.

Yikes. Of all the single men in the world... why duff you get involved with your Ex's brother?

I know you're far down the line ... but really. How would you feel about him being with your sister... if you have one.

I totally see why you wouldn't want a child with him though. Explaining to the kids they ate cousins and brothers is messy to be quite honest about it.

That turned my stomach a bit!

Typos
Yikes. Of all the single men in the world... why did you get involved with your Ex's brother?

I know you're far down the line ... but really. How would you feel about him being with your sister... if you have one.

I totally see why you wouldn't want a child with him though. Explaining to the kids they are cousins and brothers is messy to be quite honest about it.

Well, it's an unusual situation but I don't think you should let that stop you from seeking happiness with your current DP. Draw a line under the past. Does your DS have a relationship with his dad? Do you still see him at all?

Sorry! Posted too soon.

I’d feel like you, I’m afraid. I don’t think I could have more dc in your position.

There are literally billions of men in the world! If you must be with this one, you are right to consider the impact on your child.

In the past it was quite normal for widows to be remarried by other members of the man’s family. I don’t see that this is really any different.

No one outside your family will
Know your DS and any future children are cousins unless you tell them, and no one in your family should care, knowing the circumstances. It isn’t as if you were actually committing incest, or were now with your ex’s dad.

I think you are overthinking things. Have more babies and be happy!

My thoughts:

Your ex was abusive and controlling, was your current DP brought up in the same environment?

Do you think your current DP worshipped you from afar when you were with his DB?

Is your current DP a rescuer?

Are there any members of the family who aren't so keen on you two being together? If so, why?

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Although it's not exactly the same my DBILs (brothers) are married to cousins (no relation to the DBILs family), so that makes their children both first & second cousins.
As long as everyone is happy at the end of the day.

@Solasum

In the past it was quite normal for widows to be remarried by other members of the man’s family. I don’t see that this is really any different.

Yes, I noticed this when I did my family tree.

Op, I am now married to my ex fiancés brother. His twin no less. Not identical! DH's brother and I were together for 2 years when I was 17-19.

My dad got together with his brothers wife (so my auntie as such!) after his brother died and I was raised with her children as siblings (in actual fact cousins)

Although I know my siblings are my cousins, it doesn't feel like that to me at all. They are my siblings.

I don't see any reason at all why you shouldn't have a baby with your man. Just be totally honest with your son and future child about it all and they will be accepting. Never mind what people have to say either, it's really none of their business.

Rosie, your ex was abusive and you got out of the relationship. Well done, that is so important. Does he see his son at all?

Yes, you've got a child and you need to care for him and look after him.

I really think it doesn't matter very much at all that your current partner is your ex's half brother.

Agree with Solasum. In some cultures it is actively encouraged for women to marry their husband's brother if their husband does so there is nothing unpleasant about it.

It may be these men grew up as brothers in the same house and know each other as brothers but it sounds maybe more likely it may be they grew up separately and have very little relationship. Or a mixture.

As far as I am aware it is still perfectly legal to marry your first cousin in this country (not in some counties), so if I had done that my children would have been each other's brothers and sisters AND each others second cousin's once removed (I think - correct me if wrong anyone!)

Would they ever prioritize their relationship as second cousins once removed over actually being siblings? Of course not.

And if you do choose to have a baby with this man, and stay together, and bring up your children as siblings/half siblings, I honestly think that the fact they are also cousins would have little bearing on anything.

What matters more is if your relationship with this man is strong, safe, and good for you and your son.

"I wish they weren't half brothers as they are the completely different people" Make sure you make your peace with this before having children with this man, and make sure you explain the situation in age appropriate terms to your children.

Many special guardianship relationships exist where children are brought up by grandparents who act in the role of parents. Families now are quite messy. It's OK if you are honest and make sure this really is the man for you.

"I'm so low about this as I really believe he is my soul mate."

Well sweetie, get this all straight in your head. I don't personally believe in soul mates but I believe in marry/or live with the man you can't live without, not the one you can simply live with.

"I just can't seem to get past this and feel unsure about what to do."

If it is really making you low, speak to a counselor who may be able to help you work through this.

Sandy "How would you feel about him being with your sister... if you have one." Do you mean how would she feel about her abusive ex being with her sister? I expect she would feel worried for her sister!

"Explaining to the kids they ate cousins and brothers is messy to be quite honest about it." Of course she should be honest about it and they would be siblings first.

XX

Cross posted with CollyWombles. Excellent post.

I don't understand why this is an issue for you now two years down the line.

I'll be honest, I would never do it and I don't understand why you did in the first place knowing how you feel.

How do your child's grandparents feel about it?

But this is two years later and only now your worried? That's strange to me. This whole scenario is like something out of a soap! At this point I don't really think it matters, if your so if in love with one another go ahead and have kids as long as you tell the truth to the kids that their sibling-cousins but siblings first and foremost.

KungFuEric why would it matter what the grandparents think?

I would not ask my in-laws permission to have another baby!

I actually think it's pretty hurtful thing to do to date their sibling, abusive or not. Maybe you planned to go into it as a revenge relationship that has become meaningful to you over time.

I wouldn't want someone to do it to my children.

It’s really messed up.
You’re going to do what you want but it’s messed up.

I lived this. I was one of the children in the situation, I felt I had to hide stuff about our family through my childhood. I was ashamed.

I don’t know what your relationship is with extended family members but none of my dads side of the family accepted it, I’ve grown up without my aunts, cousins, my grandad and gran because of it.

In my view- and purely because of my experience it’s a selfish situation to drag children into.

Wow, some pretty barmy posts on this thread

Go ahead and have children with the love of your life. Completely irrelevant that your first child was with your partner's half brother.

It's not completely irrelevant and OP obviously knows this or she wouldn't be posting in the first place.

It's also pretty nasty to call posts "barmy" when one of them is actually from someone who lived this and was hurt by it.

Its abit grim and bit like jemery Kyle. I would be mortified as a parent if my two grandchildren from my two ds where shared with one mum. Talk about been put in an awkward and difficult position not to meantion the dc aswell and explaining it to them.

Hi thank you for all your responses.my current partner didn't know he had a half brother until he was 21 and when we got together they had only known each other two years. They both share the same dad but not the same mom. My son doesn't see his dad as his dad has never bothered from day one. (I tried to get my ex to have a relationship with my son but he didn't want to, so there wasn't much else that I could do unfortunatly). My family love my current partner as he's an absolutely lovely man, they love how happy both me and my son are and how well he treats us. My partners family have also welcomed me and my son as family and we've even been on family holidays together as well as attending family events so there isn't any problems with either family. My current partner was there for me and helped me get out of the relationship with my ex. He phoned the police numerous of times, he took me up to a&e he was a shoulder to cry on and like I said supported me like a friend would. I wish he had just been a good friend of mine and then there wouldn't be this issue but we fell for each other and i know that us being in a relationship wasnt incest so i never worried about what people were going to say. Luckily both friends and family were actually supportive. It was never a revenge relationship we just fell for each other and couldnt help how we felt. The reason its only suddenly dawned on me about having more children is because I didn't want anymore after my son as I suffered badly with post natal depression but over the last couple of months I've started to realise I would like more children but then came to the realisation that if I had a child with my current partner that not only would they half siblings but half cousins and that is the reasoning for my post. I'm generally really upset about all this and constantly crying not knowing what to do, so thank you for not being horrible on these comments even those that disagree.

I read this and whilst i can agree there may have been some hurt caused when the relationship started to your partner's brother and its a "bit" complicated I dont think it would turn my stomach or that its grim. I wouldnt necessarily do it myself. Life can be a complicated thing and yes there are a billion other men out there but you fell in love with the one you did and you are both happy. How old is your son? Do you want to have children soon or in some years? Would your son like a brother or sister?

bottom line is on here you will get a cross section of reactions, some good some bad. Can you live with those reactions in real life and does the urge to have children with your new partner outweigh that?

How does he feel about it?

KungFuEric "I actually think it's pretty hurtful thing to do to date their sibling, abusive or not. Maybe you planned to go into it as a revenge relationship that has become meaningful to you over time." That seems a very strange take on it, women who have been very hurt by men seem often quite damaged by it and not necessarily good at calculating how to get back at the man who hurt them. Maybe she just liked him and fell for him.

"I wouldn't want someone to do it to my children." Do what, give them a sibling?

hungryhippoI am sorry your family treated you the way they did. My grandparents were first cousins and it wasn't an issue in our family.

I am so confused why anyone is caring about the feelings of the OP's ex who has abused her and deserted his son. I don't think his feelings count at all in this. As far as his mum, the son's paternal grandma goes, if she is anything like your ex, OP I hope she is not in your son's life either.

I don't think you will need to tell people all about this, as long as he kids understand their additional connection, I think it is fine.

But I am worried about you crying a lot and it suggests to me you are not yet completely over the post natal depression and should maybe talk to the doctor about this.

Good luck.