In a relationship with my ex boyfriends brother

[Rosiemay88]

Hi I've been dating my ex boyfriends half brother for just over two years. We live together and are so in love. However my problem is I have a beautiful little boy from my previous relationship with the other brother. I fell pregnant by accident and my ex was very abusive and controlling and his half brother helped me to get out of the relationship. My partner has one kid of his own from a previous relationship and both boys get along great! I wish they weren't half brothers as they are the completely different people and I would love to have children with my current partner as he's fantastic with my little boy as well as his own. But I'm worried about the fact that if we have our own children that they will not only be half siblings but cousins to. I know it's not incest as neither of us are related but I'm worried that this will impact on my little boy. I'm lost as I'm madly in love with my partner but would love to have more children. I'm so low about this as I really believe he is my soul mate. We both get on really well with each other families and have talked about buying a house together and one day getting married. My partner doesn't see it as a problem as his best friends brother and sister are also their cousins. Through a similar situation but I just can't seem to get past this and feel unsure about what to do.

I don't think it matters in the grand scheme of things. Go forth and make beautiful babies

I’m a bit surprised by some of the negative posts I really don’t see the issue as long as you, your partner and your respective children are happy. Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and surely all that matters is that you all love and care about each other?

Also what italiangreyhound said who gives an actual fuck if the ex is “upset” by the OPs relationship?! And why would you? He was an innocent victim he’s been abusive and refuses to engage with his own child. Sod him.

It's nobody's business but your own. I know someone who was in this situation and went on to have subsequent children with the brother. Who cares? I also know of twins who married twins and their children, although legally cousins, are genetically siblings. I almost dated XH's brother before I was asked out by him and had been friends with BIL for a few years before I met XH. (BIL introduced us!) Life is seldom very straightforward and if you are both happy and both want children, then have them. If you present the facts to your son as just that - facts - while he is young, he will grow up with the knowledge, which makes it easier to accept.

I really don’t see the problem, he sounds like a lovely man and you are clearly in love. Buy a house, have babies and be happy! I think it’s very unfair to say that there are millions of men in the world and why choose this guy, seriously you can’t help who you fall in love with, ive met many men who tick all the boxes on paper but there wasn’t any chemistry so no chance of a future relationship. I’m 41 and can honestly say I have only truly been in love once, I don’t think I will ever find what I had again, if you find it then nurture it and be happy!

I don't really see the issue.

It's not unheard of to date a partner's sibling. It sometimes happens after a partner dies.

Given that your ex has no involvement in your or your son's life - there's not really a problem.

OP I fully agree with PP who said it doesn’t matter what your abusive ex thinks or feels. and I’m pretty disgusted at women defending the feelings of an abuser

Having read your second post I don’t think it’s an issue. They weren’t raised together, your wee boy doesn’t see his dad and has a happy, stable home with you and your DP. The only people who ever need to know are immediate family, nobody else would need know. It’s not like you’d raise them as cousins iyswim?

I only see cousins now at family weddings and funerals etc. That means I've seen them all about about twice in the last decade (maybe 4 times in the last 14 or 15 years or so). A sibling relationship is very different. And these half siblings were not raised together.

I mean "A sibling relationship is very different. And these half siblings were not raised together. So they were not raised and siblings and won't have that relationship.

I’d be furious if my ex I have children with dated my relative let alone my sister. I wouldn’t date his family either it’s wrong.

Oh for gods sake. People are very uptight and quick to judge. It's not gross or weird or anything in particular.

OP if you have a good and stable relationship and are both on the same page, there is no reason whatsoever to have a baby together. The connections or how you met or who's related to who in what way in this case are irrelevant.

To NOT have a baby together that should have read!

it's completely fine.
not odd at all.
go for it.

So he didn't know he had a brother till he was 21.... but I take it he knew that your Ex was his half brother at the time?

I suppose the fact that your son doesn't see his dad helps ...but it's something you need to decide.

You'll obviously get mixed feelings about it.

I think the poster who asked is your current partner a rescuer raised a really valid point.

Thank you again for all your comments. I'm a children's nurse and have spoken to a few of my colleagues who all say it's fine. One of my friends is a social worker and was able to speak to her about it and again she agreed with the majority of comments on here that there was nothing wrong with it as long and me my partner my son and if we decide to have future children are all honest about the situation and love and care for each other everything will be fine. As they pointed out there's nothing illegal or incest, I'm in a happy stable relationship with the love of my life and that may never happen again and could move on to someone new still having feelings for my current partner and end up back in an abusive relationship. People will have a say either way and everyone is entitled to their opinion 😊 but I've been told to switch off as those that have never been in my situation will never understand exactly what it's like. This wasn't a choice falling in love with him as love isn't a choice it just happened. As pointed out twins marry twins and have families I don't see a problem with that. Cousins marry cousins again I don't see a problem with that and neither does the law as long as everyone is happy it has nothing to with anyone else. Im in a much better place after speaking to my counsellor who has also said the same thing that its not wrong and i need to learn to not let other peoples opinions dictate my life and whos to say they are right as it is just their opinion. My son is 5 and yes he would love to have a little sister bless him. Thank you so much for all the comments.

Good luck OP. This is the beginning of your family's journey:)

The problem is no one can predict the future. Your son and any other children you have will ask questions when they get older, they may accep it. They may not.

I feel like I'm missing something here. I just don't see what the problem is. I really don't

@Northernparent68 what a weird post! There is nothing to accept! If parents are comfortable with it, so will kids be in most cases of reasonably normal family situations, which this is, IMHO.

Totally agree, @springydaffs

*It’s really messed up.
You’re going to do what you want but it’s messed up.

I lived this. I was one of the children in the situation, I felt I had to hide stuff about our family through my childhood. I was ashamed.

I don’t know what your relationship is with extended family members but none of my dads side of the family accepted it, I’ve grown up without my aunts, cousins, my grandad and gran because of it.

In my view- and purely because of my experience it’s a selfish situation to drag children into*

I agree.

OP, your decisions are your own to make but your son doesn't have that luxury and will have to live with the consequences.

As an aside, "accidental pregnancy" how do you accidentally have sex? Nobody need have a child or even sex for that matter.

@Rosiemay88 Does your son have contact with his biological dad's family?

If not, there really is nothing to risk.

And frankly if I am ever a grandparent I'd not lose contact with a grandchild over who my son or daughter's ex partner had further children with!

A grandparent or auntie or uncle so easily put off is hardly a treasure worth having IMHO!

My mother has had 5 children with 3 different fathers. My sisters father, is brothers with my other 3 siblings father. There was even a DNA test because my mother wasn't sure which one was my sisters dad

Whenever its come up in conversation with new friends etc noones ever cared. My brothers and sisters have never cared.