How do others navigate relationship during perimenopause?

[idpreferanegroni]

Just that really. I'm in my 40s, my hormones are up, down, flying in all directions. Sometimes I feel quite blank. But then other times, I feel that intensity of feeling. And boy does it not feel right. Years of tolerating, not demanding enough etc I keep wondering 'where is dp's empathy?' 'desire?' 'Does he ever prioritise me over work?'
And I feel angry. Which I no longer want to apologise for. Feeling it that is.
Is co-parents who watch tv together enough?
Are there others out there with similar thoughts/feelings which are stressed via hormones? Do your dp's dig their heels in and want you back to 30s self? Or change themselves for the better?

Following out of interest! Not there yet myself though.

Why are you assuming this is the perimenopause talking? What I mean is - your complaints about your DP seem valid to me - has he suddenly lost empathy and not prioritised you or is it just that you've suddenly noticed? I think we're all so conditioned to blame any strong feelings or emotions on our bloody hormones that sometimes we fail to spot that those feelings are completely valid.

Having said all that, I spent a couple of years before I started on HRT either crying or livid, and I think DH spent a lot of time counting to ten.

You are so not alone!
I'm 46, periods all over night he place, hormones doing their own thing. One minute I feel ok, the next, I feel low, the next, happy etc etc etc. There is no pattern.

Today I've gone completely mad at DH, something silly but not silly ( I know that makes no sense) and I could have dealt with it so differently if I'd of been less arsey. Anyway, DH is now upstairs absolutely stonewalling me. He's completely shut down because " I'm too emotional. " He's fed up of me being hot and cold, not wanting sex blah blah blah to the point I actually think he's going to leave now.

I don't know how to deal with this. I get angry about his behaviour, his lack of empathy, his black and white approach to everything. Part of me hopes he leaves but part of knows that probably tomorrow I will feel differently, calmer, more tolerant.

It's horrible. You have my sympathy. I guess the only constructive thing I can think to say is stay off drink, keep active, eat healthily because it really does seem to help.

Apologies for typos! Even my spelling is erratic!!

I hear you. Some days are just shite and I feel very unlovable and unloved :-( And angry that nobody seems to listen. And as for my sex drive - its driven away. Bastarding hormones. No solutions I'm afraid. Will watch with interest.

I started the menopause a year after my mum passed away, at the same time coping with a teenager, and a year into a new relationship. I didn’t realise it was the menopause causing the mood swings etc, I just thought it was grief and stress of my teen (which I’m sure they were a contributory factor too) Now I know..

It’s now 5 years on. My sex drive is below zero, no interest whatsoever. I also have no memory to speak of, and become very anxious/overwhelmed. My mood has been very low, uncopeable low at times.

I have changed immensely as a person, I don’t really recognise me much anymore.

I didn't notice any difference at all and didn't know I was peri.

I am early 50s so guess I must be at least peri -menopausal if not full blown.
You just sound pretty pissed off wth your partner and, as Hassled says, it may not be hormonal.
I can be up, down, angry, loved-up etc. but I was similarly varied in my 20s and 30s. And my sex drive is far more intense than any time since my (late teen) children were conceived.
Has DP made the comment re “your 30s self” or is that what you perceive to be true?
Hormones obviously play their part in our well-being but time changes people and relationships.

My hunch is that what comes with menopause or peri is an awakening to life. I think we suddenly become more aware of ourselves and our needs. The problem is we often do so much for others and we have assumed and believed our life as it was and everything we have had, has been great or okay/normal, and then we realize we actually feel differently to some of those life experiences going on around us. And so we have to work through what we like and what we dislike again and we need to be clear with others about how we are doing. This is my thinking. I think men go through something similar with mid life crises. There's just an increased awareness and knowing that we are getting older. We start thinking about what was, what is and what is to come. This, with hormones, leads to sometimes some quite big changes.

I think Firefries is right. The drop in estrogen is linked to a drop in the desire to do for others / make a home / blah blah blah that women do to raise children.

I kind of feel like it was all bullshit that nature did to me to ensure my contribution to the next generation was well brought up, and it's over now. I'm free from it.

And yes, it has impacted my marriage. It has been bumpy to say the least.

At first, my DH wanted the old "HipNewName" to come back, tidy up, and make snacks. He's finally given up on that, and is finally changing. He does want us to grow old together. He now realizes this isn't a phase I'm going through and if we are going to stay together, he has to change, too.

I'm 52, and past the storm of my late 40s.

Also watching. After mounting small arguments and snapping, had a complete rage with DH before Christmas over the smallest thing but it was the culmination of months of small things, it shook us both up. We've acknowledged we both need to recognise what I'm going through and how he needs to make changes too. Early days.

Also watching. After mounting small arguments and snapping, had a complete rage with DH before Christmas over the smallest thing but it was the culmination of months of small things, it shook us both up. We've acknowledged we both need to recognise what I'm going through and how he needs to make changes too. Early days.

I'm 42 and no periods for 18 months. Estrogen undetectable and lh high so told Premenopausal. Also cancer diagnosed 6 yrs ago has made me change significantly - much more selfish and inclined to state my needs and do things on my own if needs be.

Came close to splitting with dh and went to relate for a while. He had gone to bank to sort out buying me out of house and everything. We managed to stay together, not great but he accepts my independence a bit more. Sex practically non existant and he sleeps in another room because won't sort out his snoring (not apnea- he did at least get that checked).

None of this is very helpful, just that you are not alone. It's hard when you feel you've changed so much and they haven't. I don't think I have mood swings as such - just won't put up with anyone's bullshit!

We've acknowledged we both need to recognise what I'm going through and how he needs to make changes too

This is the response of a loving partner. I blamed my hormones for problems in the relationship, started hrt and realised ex was the issue.
I think it is a time of change and growth.physically I was more tired so a parrner might need to step up but a significant amount of men are, by their 40s, used to their wives picking up more of the workload.
To be fair it can also be a challenge for men in their 40s, workplace is more competitive and they have to adjust to careers that may have peaked.A good man however doesn't just ignore his partner, he should listen and offer help.

Keep a journal, monitor your cycle and take steps to look after yourself.I think tiredness is a major factor as at times I felt my cycle equalled early pregnancy stage with extreme fatigue.

I don't think I have mood swings as such - just won't put up with anyone's bullshit!

yeah, I think that this is why sometimes men end up with younger woman -- because the younger women have enough estrogen to put up with the bullshit. Some men really don't grow up enough to have a relationship that is more egalitarian. They really need someone who is biologically programmed to keep everyone else comfortable and put herself last.

And the very odd thing is that the more clear I get about this, the more effort my DH puts into our relationship. It's all quite backwards from what I would have thought.

I went through the peri/menopause just after starting a new relationship, it didn't make any difference

I'm reading with interest. I'm 49 and have long term domestic issues with DP which have me considering my options on bad days, plus a complete loss of libido. I was debating on whether to come off the mirena coil in the hope that at least my libido might make a partial reappearance, but now I'm wondering whether I might be jumping out of that particular frying pan into a perimenopausal fire.

Thanks to every response! I found fascinating. And feel less alone with this.

Firefries - thanks for that post. But it does feel harder to make
changes when there's children. Why didn't I feel like this in my 30s?

Horriblehormones - my sympathies to you too, you're also not alone.

Hipnewname - I agree, I think men do end up with younger women with the estrogen to put up with them! And this drop in estrogen is weird as in how its affecting me. If you're used to pleasing others then it comes as a shock. And whilst I don't want to be rude to anyone, I'm getting over people pleasing. Whether I have a partner or friends left after choosing not to be a doormat/constant listener is debatable?

Hellhavenofury - I'm sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis but it's interesting to hear about you now stating your needs.

The last few years in particular (but maybe my whole life) I've been a bit of a mug with the people around me, in part because of kids and before that a narc mother. Now I just want to drop it all (my job is adaptable) and go travelling for a year. Obviously can't, I've still got to do the school run.
And no, my dp doesn't actually say 'why can't you go back top your 30s' but he is currently wistful of that time, and why not, I doted on him and put all my energy into our relationship asking for little in return. He is used to the spotlight on him, whether in company or together and he isn't going to give it up easily. He knows he needs to change but I do wonder if someone can show empathy if they haven't before or begin to show interest in me whilst I am possibly (for him!) at my least aggreeable ever???

OP - yes it is harder when you have kids, and it truly takes us by surprise - the sudden change in how we feel about things. Let's face it up till now with the good and bad we've just found a way through.
I think your last comment is the issue. We want the empathy and understanding but if our OH is not wired this way, or set up this way, then the way he thinks and feels about it is still normal to them, and they will just think, what's your fuss? What's your problem?
No fun at all. Sorry. I believe it's a time of reeducation for both people like you going through changes and their (your) OHs. This takes time and can be messy but I believe changes in the balance of the relationship can be found. Maybe go to counselling? I think this is the start to working through how you are and what you need, whilst your OH can share what it's like at their end. And hopefully you will be able to find some common ground again.

I do wonder if someone can show empathy if they haven't before or begin to show interest in me whilst I am possibly (for him!) at my least aggreeable ever???

My husband has. I am at my least agreeable ever, but I'm also at a dynamic stage of life where I'm doing new things and stretching my wings so I'm more interesting than I have been in years. Gotta say he finds the interesting bits scary. He preferred me dull and predictable.

How old is your youngest child? For me, this coincided with my kids growing up. Teenagers when it really started, and now my youngest is in her 2nd year of uni. There is a tremendous freedom in them leaving the nest (even if they still bring their laundry home). I think that to a certain extent it makes sense to redefine ourselves and our marriages at this stage of child rearing, even without the nose dive of the estrogen.

I'm not 100% sure that my marriage will survive. I find that terrifying. Really terrifying.

None the less, I can't be bothered with marriage counseling. My husband brought it up in our last argument, and I said no. I told him if he needed to go talk to a therapist about the fact that I'm an actual human being with thoughts and feelings and that he needs to treat me with the same level of kindness he would a friend or work colleague, then he could go right ahead and go see a therapist. But it isn't a marriage problem, and I'm not going to go brain storm how we get through it.

So he bought a package of ballroom dancing lessons. We'll see how that works out. It sounds like fun, and I've wanted to do it for years. I know it terrifies him, and I take it as a sign that he is trying to make the marriage a happy place for me. He's also picking up his own dishes most of the time now and occasional fixing snacks. It's a start.

(I'm not knocking marriage counseling for anyone else. It might be just the right thing for you. I barely know what is the right thing for me, so how could I know what is right for you?)

This is a really interesting thread. I'm (I suspect) at the start of this and noticing the tiredness, bad memory etc along with the increasing feeling of being taken for granted and not wanting to put up with it anymore. Like you, hip, my dh suggested counseling recently following a bad patch which tbh has all been caused by his shitty behaviour and values. He sees it as a couples issue because I refuse to let him get away with it (as he has done in the past) and forget it. I see it as a problem with him, so why should I bare myself emotionally to a stranger, and probably be told I should be shouldering half the blame for his shitty choices? Looking at it all from this point of view, I wish I'd started peri twenty years ago!
Watching with interest.

I'm 45 and perimenopausal, but tbh my relationship with dh is fine. You just sound pissed off with yours at the moment.

Hormones aren't responsible for all bad moods you know, sometimes we get pissed off for good reasons

IMO we don't just get to adulthood then stop, we continue to grow up throughout our lives, so just because your life hasn't changed since your 30's doesn't mean you should be as happy as you were in your 30's.

In fact, years and years of everything staying the same sounds pretty dull, so perhaps you are just fed up with the monotony of it. Why assume that the fact you are now pissed off with putting all my energy into our relationship asking for little in return is because there is something wrong with your hormones?

This thread is fascinating. I'm 42, periods are still regular but lighter and I'm wondering if I'm peri menopausal as I feel moody and my core personality feels like it's changing if that makes sense?

I've always been a people pleaser and enjoyed company, now I find myself craving peace to myself and feeling less of a people pleaser. I'm finally speaking out when I disagree with things, and it's causing raised eyebrows amongst people who are used to me being a bit of a pushover.

I was listening to a radio programme about personality types yesterday, and realised I no longer know where I fit in- having always felt like the 'agreeable' type before.

I got married last year to a wonderful man. I think my sex drive has probably dropped in the fact that that I less often crave sex in the cold light of day. Once we are snuggled in bed it does return.

After years of turmoil I'm finally in a happy relationship with a caring lovely man. I'm afraid that the menopause is going to make me difficult to live with- preparing myself for a bumpy ride!

I think im in peri, and i am finding it quite hard. I feel quite mad at times.

Yes, I am pissed off with my relationship/dp. He is very very passive in parts of life. But whether a leapord can change some spots?

Hip - interesting non-approach to couples counselling. I may take this approach too.

Maybe we're not suited anymore. The thing I'm saying is that estrogen (and regular wine!) helps smooth over the cracks over the years. And those cracks are widening and not looking that smooth currently!