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Original poster

An insight into the mind of someone with commitment issues

32 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 09/01/2018 19:54

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ve got quite deep seated commitment problems. I guess writing this is helping me, but I think it will also help other’s understand what goes on in the head of people like me who have been on the receiving end of a commitment phobe.

Firstly I think I’m a bit more unusual as I’m a woman and I know normally it’s men with commitment issues. I have lovely parents but their marriage isn’t great and they would have been better off divorcing, a very long time ago. So I didnt know what a good relationship looked like growing up.

Pretty much all my relationships haven’t been great, I always choose avoidant men who mirror myself. It’s not until I had my daughter that I felt I wanted to change, I’ve now met a really lovely guy, kind, secure, makes me happy and I’m determined not to sabotage it. So I’m getting counselling to work through my problems.

So this is what goes on in my head when I meet someone I like:

  • initially I’m really attracted to them, enjoy the attention and the excitement of it all
  • will tend to go on a couple of dates and then the fear kicks in
  • I can walk away from a perfectly good date and then dump then, normally giving all kinds of weird and wonderful reasons such as we’re not compatible, too different etc which is not the case
  • the next day I regret it and miss them
  • I try to reconcile and if they agree everything is great again
  • we carry on dating, but I subconsciously I already have one foot out the door
  • the first sign of too much closeness or conflict and I run for the hills
  • I need about a week or so to sort myself out
  • if the guys still interested we repeat the same cycle 😳

I’ve done it a number of times. The fear is get is all consuming, I’ve nearly ran out a cinema it’s awful. The guy I initially fancied the pants off just seems to turn over night into someone I can’t stand and they have done nothing at all wrong. It’s all me and my crazy head.

I stopped dating for about 4 years when I had my daughter so I could focus on her and also try to work out why I kept doing the same thing.

I know a lot of people have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour and I want to reassure you it has nothing to do with you at all. Unless the person with commitment issues is willing to change no amount of game playing will change the status of the relationship or push it forward. You are better of out of it..

I’m hoping I can overcome my problems because otherwise I’ll end up single for the rest of my life 😢

OP posts:
Sadmum23 · 09/01/2018 20:02

Wow, that must have taken a lot to be so honest . Have no words of wisdom but wanted to say well done

AdalindSchade · 09/01/2018 20:04

I'm very similar to you. I fear intimacy and I dread someone making emotional demands of me. It's pretty crap

user764329056 · 09/01/2018 20:07

I am very similar OP, have been engaged several times, always believed at the time that THIS was the man I could do for ever with but I never go the distance, would have been divorced multiple times by now so in retrospect am glad I didn’t marry any of them, deep down don’t think i’ve ever wanted to be married. Don’t know the answer but just wanted to say you’re not alone, although there might not be many of us!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/01/2018 20:09

Thanks Sadmum, it’s been a journey to get here. And a pretty awful one at that.

The weirdest thing is, my behaviour somehow seems to make men more attracted to me. Which makes me run even faster.

It’s not fun having commitment issues at. That’s why I want to get help. The guy I’m seeing is making a huge effort, so far I’ve dumped him twice already 😳 but I’ve explained a lot of things to him already and we’re taking baby steps so hopefully I will learn to love him and have a healthy relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/01/2018 20:10

Glad I’m not alone 😳 I want to be in a relationship so much but I haven’t got a clue how to do it.

OP posts:
Oakleygirl · 09/01/2018 20:21

Thanks for sharing. Just come out of a relationship with a guy who seems just like you described. Makes me feel better to know that it's not something I did wrong.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/01/2018 20:30

If he blows hot and cold, then more than likely it’s commitment problems. He will have had them way before you and for your own sanity it’s best you’re out of it.

OP posts:
coffeeclouds · 09/01/2018 20:31

You've described me also. I sometimes wonder if a fear of failure plays a part with me? I know at this rate I will end up alone.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/01/2018 20:37

I think mine is a fear of rejection deep down. But it’s comes across as not wanting a relationship and not wanting intimacy.

But I’m fine being close with men like me..which is a disaster obviously.

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/01/2018 20:39

I just wanted to recommend a weekly therapy session, if you are looking for ways to address this. I used to have difficulties navigating early relationships. I started seeing a really good private psychotherapist weekly. When I met my now dh I would wait for my weekly therapy appt to talk about how I was feeling and unpick why I was feeling anxious, or upset, or panicked, rather than acting by instinct, I used to tell myself to wait until I'd seen my therapist before making any decisions. It really helped to be having therapy whilst I was in those difficult early stages.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/01/2018 20:43

Thanks Hopless 😊 I’ve already done that and waiting for my first appointment! I hope it will help me with this new relationship.

OP posts:
PuertoVallarta · 10/01/2018 10:26

I am the same. Unfortunately I waver between passive and active commitmentphobia.

I am never, ever single not even for a couple weeks. But I'm not ever settled or secure, either. I will do the breakup thing and hope he follows. Several times I've ended great relationships because my libido has completely disappeared for no reason. By the end of the week, I couldn't get enough of someone new.

I've been working on it and I have read everything on the whole internet but there really isn't much help for people like me who didn't have any childhood trauma. My parents had a great marriage. A perfect one. As do all my siblings. But every single thing written about commitmentphobia says that it comes from problems in family dynamics which isn't my case so I guess I am a big freak.

I am terrified of rejection. I desperately want the kind of relationship everyone else in my family has. I have a good relationship now with someone who's so good to me that I have to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming at times. And I cannot, for the life of me, stop looking for signs that he's gone off me and that I should leave while I still have my dignity in tact. Hmm

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 10/01/2018 10:53

Puerto it may not always stem from family, it could come from another experience you had - bullying etc

There’s a book I can recommend called ‘Attached’ its really helpful.

I wish I didn’t have commitment issues, it’s a complete nightmare 😬

OP posts:
PuertoVallarta · 10/01/2018 11:19

Thank you!!!

I've just ordered the book.

Sometimes I think I know too much. I've seen how many relationships fail and I just can't believe in them based on that information.

Stupid self-sabotage. But my ego still keeps saying that I shouldn't trust anyone. Confused

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 10/01/2018 11:51

No worries, it’s very interesting to read - let me know how you get on...

I feel a bit the same as you too. But I think the trick as explained in the book is to be with someone who has a secure attachment style. The only issue I find is I’m forever trying to work out if they are avoidant like me or secure.

OP posts:
PuertoVallarta · 11/01/2018 06:25

I'm sad to hear reading it didn't cure you. Smile

I've been trying mindfulness meditation. I have high hopes. It does make some relationship problems maginified, though, in my experience.

I'm so terrified of winding up with a boring life. Are you? It's stupid because I hold myself back into boring status quo out of fear of getting trapped.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 11/01/2018 07:03

I don't think I have a fear of a boring life. More that it will go wrong the relationship, what if I hurt the person, and probably a real fear of rejection!

OP posts:
PuertoVallarta · 11/01/2018 09:54

It's absolutely shit.

I hope we are cured soon. Umm...

coldlocation · 11/01/2018 23:24

Oh lordy this is me too. I'm currently keeping DP who adores me at arms length as I feel completley smothered and have had one foot out the door a while and my love and attraction has just faded... My exH was as avoidant as me and I realise now that we bumbled along for 20 years by happily mainly avoiding each other... I always thought it would be lovely to have someone /something more passionate but I don't seem to like it.

No major childhood trauma... Just emotionally distant parents (both of whom were raised by hired nannies) , later an unpleasant step dad and boarding school (where I was very happy).

Huntinginthedark · 11/01/2018 23:33

From someone who has been treated like this. Have you never felt that you're cruel and selfish?
I mean this in the nicest way possible. But it's bloody horrible to be on the end of it, the game playing the drama.
It all feels a bit self absorbed when you're in it. Like all they care about is themselves and how they feel and how they struggle and how they'll deal with any given situation...

But perhaps I am the opposite and care too much about people that don't deserve it,

If you know you're like this, why don't you not inflict pain on others, by simply not dating.

Noodles4Me · 11/01/2018 23:46

Agree with Hunting. Just don't date, it's selfish if you know you are like this. Indeed, cruel almost.

And you have a kid, you are not that commitment phobic, kids are the biggest commitment there is.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 12/01/2018 06:21

I’ve had 4 years of no dating, not even a kiss so I can focus on my daughter and try and sort my issues out. Now I’ve met someone I’m getting counselling to try and help me through the first stages when I’m likely to try and run.

And yes I am aware it’s selfish and I’ve been hurt too by men who are even more avoidant then me. My DD’s father was avoidant like me and didn’t like any form of commitment, hence why he walked away when I was pregnant. Until I had my DD I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was, I thought it was just normal. It look time out of dating to realise my issues.

OP posts:
Zolabudder · 12/01/2018 07:50

Often what you witness as a child can really affect your own behaviour and until you fully explore and come to terms with this, it will be very difficult for the cycle to be broken.

I would personally avoid dating at all until you have been through this process as you will be hurting people, albeit not deliberately

ShiftyMcGifty · 12/01/2018 08:01

Puerto, it sounds like it was all too perfect. How were disagreements handled when you were growing up? I think it’s damaging when kids never see their parents have conflicting opinions and never model how to come to a resolution (or agree to disagree) in a healthy way.

I don’t mean screaming fights, but literally expressing a difference of opinion, finding your viewpoints vastly differ, maybe get irritated with the other person and... then what... what do you do when it’s all not perfect? Do you leave because it can’t be the right relationship?

violetbunny · 12/01/2018 08:14

I also have commitment issues, although they kick in a bit further down the track in the relationship.

I know they are linked to a deep down fear of not wanting to end up in an unhappy relationship like my parents were (physically and emotionally abusive). Logically it doesn't make any sense, as I know I would always be able leave an unhappy relationship if I needed to. I am financially independent and would never willingly allow myself to be dependent on a partner for this reason. However emotionally it is an issue for me, and is also one of the reasons I don't have children.