An insight into the mind of someone with commitment issues

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I’ve got quite deep seated commitment problems. I guess writing this is helping me, but I think it will also help other’s understand what goes on in the head of people like me who have been on the receiving end of a commitment phobe.

Firstly I think I’m a bit more unusual as I’m a woman and I know normally it’s men with commitment issues. I have lovely parents but their marriage isn’t great and they would have been better off divorcing, a very long time ago. So I didnt know what a good relationship looked like growing up.

Pretty much all my relationships haven’t been great, I always choose avoidant men who mirror myself. It’s not until I had my daughter that I felt I wanted to change, I’ve now met a really lovely guy, kind, secure, makes me happy and I’m determined not to sabotage it. So I’m getting counselling to work through my problems.

So this is what goes on in my head when I meet someone I like:

• initially I’m really attracted to them, enjoy the attention and the excitement of it all
• will tend to go on a couple of dates and then the fear kicks in
• I can walk away from a perfectly good date and then dump then, normally giving all kinds of weird and wonderful reasons such as we’re not compatible, too different etc which is not the case
• the next day I regret it and miss them
• I try to reconcile and if they agree everything is great again
• we carry on dating, but I subconsciously I already have one foot out the door
• the first sign of too much closeness or conflict and I run for the hills
• I need about a week or so to sort myself out
• if the guys still interested we repeat the same cycle 😳

I’ve done it a number of times. The fear is get is all consuming, I’ve nearly ran out a cinema it’s awful. The guy I initially fancied the pants off just seems to turn over night into someone I can’t stand and they have done nothing at all wrong. It’s all me and my crazy head.

I stopped dating for about 4 years when I had my daughter so I could focus on her and also try to work out why I kept doing the same thing.

I know a lot of people have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour and I want to reassure you it has nothing to do with you at all. Unless the person with commitment issues is willing to change no amount of game playing will change the status of the relationship or push it forward. You are better of out of it..

I’m hoping I can overcome my problems because otherwise I’ll end up single for the rest of my life 😢

I'm still trying to extricate myself from a 'relationship' with a serious commitment phobe. I fell hopelessly in love with him - I still am in love with him, if I'm totally honest with myself - but I know for a fact that he's very, very bad for me.

Reading the OP, he ticks almost every box. I feel like such a fool for even believing him when he said he loved me, that he wanted marriage, kids, a future with me. He was just so CHARMING to begin with.

What's worse is that I have to work with him. He's conflict avoidant, completely obsessed with work, and often comes in even when it's not his shift - it's torture seeing him. I almost resigned from my job as I feel like I'll never, ever get over him unless I physically remove myself. If I DID leave, I doubt he'd even notice.

He's played absolute havoc with my mind and my heart. He's made me question and doubt myself over these past few months more than I ever have in my whole life.

I wish I'd read this before I got in too deep Thanks for posting this, OP - it's given me a bit of resolve. Good on you for actually trying to work through your own issues

I’m glad it could help. That’s why I wrote this post on the first place. I know it wrecks havoc with peoples self esteem. I’ve been on the receiving end too so I know what it feels like.

Like I said it has nothing to do with you. You could be a Brazilian underwear model and the guy would do the same 😆 he wouldn’t be able to stay.

Unless the person with commitment issues is actively trying to sort their problems out then you haven’t got a chance in hell of having a normal relationship.

Unless the person with commitment issues is actively trying to sort their problems out then you haven’t got a chance in hell of having a normal relationship.

This is what I keep reminding myself. The guy I was seeing had an utterly awful childhood with a bastard of a father. I suffered under my own father's rule too, but the major difference between us is that I chose to have psychotherapy in order to untangle the myriad issues my upbringing left me with. He refuses to, because he's constructed his own maladaptive 'safe space' in his mind, and anything that could possibly threaten that is instantly dismissed.

I’m interested to know if the therapy helped you? I’m having some soon and I hope it’ll help. The only thing I would say, is that if the therapy worked for you, why did you end up with someone with huge commitment issues? I would have avoided at all costs.

I’m trying to choose people who have a solid family background who have shown they can commit in all areas of their life (not just relationships) and seem to be happy.

I think it helps massively IF you can afford to pay for therapy long term - I ended up in the position where I just didn't have the money to continue. Had I been able to see my psychotherapist on a regular basis, over a period of years - and yes, it CAN take years - I believe I'd be far better equipped to avoid someone with such massive commitment issues.

As it stands, I'm still mentally vulnerable enough to be susceptible to a man who shows a great deal of seemingly genuine affection and interest in me. This guy knew my issues, so it cuts even deeper.

I'm working on myself all the time. I know you are too.

Thank you, Shifty. You raise a good point.

Cherryblossom200

I realise this is quite an old thread but wanted to thank you for taking the time to write it.