How do you break up with someone?

[IronNeonClasp]

Really, really struggling. When soon to be ex-H and I broke up I was clear in my mind that I wasn't going to date for a good couple of years, spend quality time with my kids and friends. I also wanted to play the field a little as I have been in many monogamous relationships for the past 2 decades .

However, I met someone before ex even moved out early last year. Totally unplanned when you least expect it kind of stuff. Lots of bizarre 'friend connections'.

I have niggles and do not feel settled with him at all. To the point that I think I may want to end it but I don't want to be irrational or hasty. Everything is on his time so I never really know when I'll see him and I am the one with kids. He's not met my kids. I feel terrible as he is so lovely but nothing is sitting right for me at the minute?

Just wondered if anyone else has been here? What you did, if you kept plodding on? Or how you ended it and if you stayed friends?

He's not lovely if everything is on his time. Maybe he can talk the talk, but surely you have to look at how he behaves?

Thanks Brilliant. The sex is leaving me a bit underwhelmed too. He is extremely thoughtful but I just can't be arsed really anymore!

I dunno it's just a complete head fuck.

It's really not. You were suddenly single and decided to stay that way for a while. This guy came along and you started to see him. Now you've realised he's not the one for you. It's just time to move on and have some fun with other people.

But I feel terrible. I haven't told him how I'm feeling or that this is what I want. I think he would be heartbroken and not understand. I just wish I'd met him in a couple of years as I have (finally) realised I don't think I really want a relationship. I feel ungrateful and he deserves more...

Last time I broke up with someone I made up some bullshit about not having the time to date due work/children/commitments.
Obviously if I’d really liked him I’d have made the time.
He accepted it gracefully. I was helped along when he moaned about how long it would be til our next date (on what became our last date.)
It was a perfect shoe in for me.
You owe this man nothing especially when he isn’t ticking all you boxes at this relatively early stage.

That's really helpful Mari - thank you.
We've just fallen in to a routine of going to bed, DTD, not enough sex for me. But that's a really selfish and poor excuse - no? I wouldn't tell him this. The work/kids excuse is good but I am free Fridays and Saturdays and he knows this...

Ring him up. Say you've thought about it and realised this is not for you any more. Happy to stay friends (if you are) Job done. Good luck!

What hatty said sounds easy but it's bloody hard to do! I think you generally need a hook so maybe wait til he rings you and then be polite but don't make any plans if he asks to come round/suggests a date that's the time to say I'm sorry I just don't want to. I'm not in the right place for this and if rather be on my own. Top tip don't say we can be friends or can we stay friends it weakens your position, gives them hope and extends the agony. Be firm but fair just like sacking someone at work.

Sheldon Fortunately I've never had to sack anyone and I've also never really broken a 'thing' for no apparent reason. Great advice - thank you.

Maybe I should just plod in through this patch but agree - need a break..

Shameless bumpage

Go back to your original plan of playing the field a bit and having some fun, dammit.

A relationship should bring positives, not plodding - why on earth would you want to stick with ploddery? Not enough sex, not enough good sex, everything on his terms and this is in the first year together when it should be exciting and fun - what the hell are you doing?!

Life is short. Ditch him.

If the bad sex is a dealbreaker, then I'd give him the old "it's not you it's me" talk and say what you said upthread about needing a break after 2 decades of relationships etc. Be kind but firm. It'll suck but you'll be relieved when you've done it.

If its more unease because things are all on his terms, maybe step back a bit and start being a bit less available. What sort of things would you be doing with your evenings if you were happily single? Start prioritising those things even if it means you turn down seeing him for a night in with a good book. It'll either balnce things out, or bring into focus that the relationship really isn't right if he reacts badly or he doesn't meet you half way.

Thank you so much for the helpful replies.

Category - he's so lovely. Your post really is great. He satisfies me but has to finish for him in a certain way. This is more for sex forum but it makes me feel slutty and not in a good way..

AhYerWill - another great post. I am going to step back this weekend I think. I've never been happily single. I guess that's what I am struggling with...

On that added information - even more definitely ditch him. Feeling bad about the sex is wrong - you're incompatible in that area. He may be lovely and what he likes sexually is probably fine for someone into that kind of thing, but you're not.

Category I was kind of into 'it' but the novelty has completely worn off. It's boring and I know what's coming (so to speak).

He's just so perfect in so many ways but I feel like a complete fraud tbh

Oh God don't even be polite text him and say it's been great but I don't want to see you again have a nice life. Any man who can only finish in a certain way that is denigrating to you and doesn't care how you feel doesn't deserve a face to face or even a phone call. Text dump his sorry arse.

Honestly OP there's no easy way to dump someone. It's not nice for anyone, but best over and done with. You will feel relieved after. I get what pp says about breaking it to him gently but that could cause unnecessary confusion and just string it out. I'd just do one awkward phone call. Good luck.

I just can't bring myself to do it :(

I've just ended a 4 month 'thing'.
It's not easy.
There's nothing wrong with the guy but it just got to the stage where it wasn't working for me.
As I hate confrontation, I'm afraid I took the cowards way out and did via Whatsapp.
I just said I felt really horrible but that it wasn't right for me to continue this as it wasn't fair on him or on me.
That's he's lovely but just not for me.
And I hope he finds happiness soon.
Job done..... or so I thought!!!!
He's asking to meet up now.
Arrggh......

How long have you been seeing him?

He is perfect in lots of ways, but not for you.

What's stopping you? You're not actually happy with him. This is as good as it will get, this is the honeymoon period. By letting him go, he'll be free to find someone more compatible.

How to dump him?

• Make plans to see him. Say "We need to have a serious discussion, so are you free at x time?". This will give him a heads up that something is on the cards.
• He will almost certainly ask what you want to talk to him about, and ask you to tell him straight away.
• You then say "I've been thinking about our relationship, and I think we both know it isn't going any further. We don't feel strongly enough about each other to continue seeing each other, or to move to the next stage of a relationship. I've enjoyed the time we've spent together but it's come to an end now."
• He will then react....how he reacts. He may ask for more details as to why, in which case be honest but not cruel (don't say "you bore me in bed" say "I don't think our sexual connection is strong enough" or "there's not enough overlap in what we both enjoy in bed", etc).
• Don't be vague about what's happening - you guys aren't taking a break, or stepping back from the relationship - you are breaking up.
• He may try to argue the toss with you about whether your reasons are "good enough". Do not be drawn - remember that you don't need him to agree to the breakup. You have decided the relationship is over and therefore it is. His sign-off is not required.

Breakups are sucky, and there is no magic wand that will make it suddenly easy and mean that people's feelings don't get hurt. Be firm, clear and kind, but don't tie yourself in knots looking for the way to do it that will leave him feeling happy and positive about himself. He will feel sad about it, and that is unavoidable.

You aren't a bad person for breaking up with him, and he isn't in the wrong for being unhappy about it. Hurt feelings are one of the unavoidable risks of letting other humans get close to you, and everyone has to be a grown-up about it.

HellsBells - 10 months.

Bizarrely we've not been in touch since last night. I didn't reply to messages last night (our only form of communication- never calls) and nothing today.
I think he may be a lot more sensitive than I think. I really do love him very much.
Totally confused.

I forgot I bought him something and he has sent me a very extremely lovely message.

Another shameless bump?