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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Happier but thicker....

34 replies

CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 18:26

I wasn't sure what title to use so I aplogise if it is misleading or random Smile

Ok so I was with DH for 14 years. Lots of great times and 4 DC later we spilt.
Nobody else involved we co parent well and are still good friends we just lacked the love/attraction we once had and were more like friends, the decision to split took 2 years and was joint.

One of the things I liked and still like about exDH was that he is intelligent. We used to have great debates and conversations about everything from politics to womens rights. He was/ is always interested in what I had to say and commented often how I "got stuff" and explained my pov well.
He is educated to degree level and 9 yrs older than me while I left school at 16 with minimal barely scraped by gsce's.
He was never patronising he challenged me and made me think. I liked that.

Please bare with me all this is relevent I promise.

So I am now with DP.
We have been together 3 years.
He is lovely, supportive, kind, we laugh all the time and he makes me happy. He still gives me butterflies and I love him very much.

But.....he doesn't debate with me.
We do talk about topical stuff/things on the news but if I do not share his view he ends the conversation and even when I do share his view but I know/understand more about it he ends the discussion.

His level of education is the same as mine probably better actually.

It really frustrates me.
I find myself holding back when we chat about stuff just so the conversation doesnt end.
I miss the debate and passion of it.

I am in no way saying I am smarter than him but I do feel like I have to dumb the conversation down if I want it to last.

I know this seems like a stupid problem and he makes me happy in every other way but damn it I miss a good debate over a bottle of wine. I feel happier in my relationship but thicker if that makes sense?

Any advice welcome sorry it was longer than expected.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 18:37

Nobody else involved we co parent well and are still good friends we just lacked the love/attraction we once had and were more like friends, the decision to split took 2 years and was joint.

When I read this, and the rest of your post, I instantly thought your marriage could have been saved by marriage counselling!?

Nobody in long term marriages has butterflies. That butterfly feeling is called 'Limerence' which apparently last up to 3 years?...

I don't know what to say re your DP?

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 18:39

Gosh, some people strive to be good friends with their DP's/DH whilst their still together.....

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 18:40

*they're!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/01/2018 18:42

I would be very frustrated living the life you live now. Your previous relationship sounded great and I'm really surprised it ended. I agree with a PP that counselling might well have saved it. Is he now single?

Original poster
CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 18:56

Thanks for the replies Smile

We did counselling for 18 months. Hence the 2 years it took to split.
By attraction I meant sex.
We dtd because we thought we should not because we wanted to. It ended up becoming quite a polite occasion Blush

ExDH has been in his relationship for around 2 years. As far as I know he is happy and erm fufilled.

Even if there were no DP's we would not become a couple again. We would end up as some strange none couple who do everything couples do but without the extra bits.

OP posts:
hattyhighlighter · 09/01/2018 19:16

OP have you thought about getting your intellectual kicks elsewhere like doing further study, maybe a degree? Then you could have debates with your fellow students Smile

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 19:22

This would and IS a deal breaker for me OP.

Ok, I'm separated, divorce going through but STBXH and I were able to discuss things at great lengths too. The sex dried up because it was a long marriage and we were dealing with a sick DS, much stress!

Then 6 months later I met a guy when I was in the pub and we started seeing each other. The sex was AMAZING! Omg I was blown away! But then why wouldn't It be? Anything is going to be AMAZING with someone new and after infrequent sex with a long term partner....

This relationship finished because there were issues. One of them was because we couldn't discuss topics or debate things and I started to feel that the only thing we had in common was the sex and it felt shallow. He didn't feel like my equal? I'm not saying he was thick, It just felt odd?

Atm I'm single but I am on the look out for an academic who hopefully can discuss topics at great length oh and be good in bed! Is this possible or am I hoping too much?!!

Original poster
CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 19:39

Hatty i was doing an OU but DS1 started having major issues (there were always issues but puberty kicked it off) and was diagnosed with SEN. I could not cope with 4 DC plus full time work plus the extra effort and time to support DS so gave it up.

Bibbe
Its not just the sex. We get on great. We laugh we enjoy similar interests we have a good time together and we do talk/chat but we just dont debate.

Maybe its me?
Is it normal to want to have debates or be challenged sometimes?

OP posts:
OMGWTFLMFAO · 09/01/2018 20:27

Having this exact problem at the moment! But scared that the debating I crave could once again easily turn into verbal and emotional abuse, as it so often did with one of my ex's. Hoping there's someone out there that can challenge me without feeling the need to win all the time or get one over. It's a tricky one!

Original poster
CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 20:32

OMG
We could debate with each other to curb the craving Grin

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 20:34

Is it normal to want to have debates or be challenged sometimes?

For me yes. I'm quite deep and enjoy the depth of people thoughts, their thinking processes. I find it almost spiritual how they are able to convey how they formed their opinions, like they're painting a picture and it's slowly appearing before my eyes? I like to be challenged too so If they can get me to change my opinions or rather If they're able get me to see things from a different perspective, I find this rather sexy?!

BackInTheRoom · 09/01/2018 20:35

...but clearly my sentences and spelling leave a lot to be desired! Hmm

Original poster
CosmicCanary · 09/01/2018 20:40

That is it Bibb!!!

I didnt find exdh sexy in the end but it was one of the main attractions in the begining.

At the risk of sounding like some period drama or Jane Austin novel debate is passionate and sexy. Blush

OP posts:
rothbury · 09/01/2018 20:44

I agree with PP you are expecting a partner to fulfill all of your needs and that isn't very realistic.

I would find a friend that you can debate with.

If that really isn't an option then I guess you are saying it's a dealbreaker......

HoHoHoHo · 09/01/2018 20:46

I'd rather live with no debate than no sex but neither are ideal. My last relationship ended because my ex had no sex drive (or more likely he didn't fancy me and was scared to end it.) I think some posters saying you could have saved your relationship with your ex are underestimating how soul destroying a sexless relationship can be.

Maybe your dp has had bad experiences in relationships where debates led to massive arguments and so tries to avoid them. Or maybe he just doesn't enjoy it. The question is can you be happy without it.

SpoonfulOfJam · 09/01/2018 21:03

I'm having an internal struggle. Have been for a while now. DH is a very good partner, an amazing father to our boys, but he just doesn't challenge me intellectually. Comes nowhere near. To the point where I can't even be bothered to start a conversation with him. We've been together 10 years, but I'm convincing myself that we won't stay together for many more years.

I can't go the rest of my life with a partner who I can't debate and enjoy conversation with.

chestylarue52 · 09/01/2018 21:20

Have you considered being single? Having different friends/lovers/social acquaintances for sex or debate or whatever you require at that time?

Dappledsunlight · 09/01/2018 23:08

I can understand OP's point, but it's like everything; sex or debating - these become issues when they're missing, otherwise we can just take them for granted. On balance, I'd say it's easier to find a friend who can satisfy your 'debating needs' (!) whereas a lack of sexual connection might be more problematic.

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2018 23:50

Ooh I love a good debate - but I'll be honest and say I think I can be quite adversarial - I like to play devils advocate just to be provocative at times - to me its almost sport - but I think my ex struggled to handle it - not everyone wants to engage. I don't think it makes them less intelligent , just they don't enioy the 'sport'.

LesisMiserable · 09/01/2018 23:51

My now dh though, is great - he can separate the debate from us. So it works.

FeralBeryl · 09/01/2018 23:58

OP, my DH is similar. I'll try and draw him out over current affairs, news programmes, any old shite and nothing. He'll let me witter, offer an odd sentence then nothing Grin
I have modified my attitude to just assume that I'm right. About everything.
He is very intelligent, has a notoriously difficult and important career, so he may just mentally switch off on the driveway as a countermeasure.
I get my debate kicks elsewhere now. His other benefits far outweigh his lack of mooting.

Brandnewstart · 10/01/2018 00:45

I'm in a very similar situation and have thought long and hard about it. I've come to the conclusion that we are very different but it works for us.
We have similar values which I think matters more to me after having been with someone more 'intellectual' but who let me down massively.
Looking at my parents, I think our relationship is similar to theirs and they've been married 40 + years!

Brandnewstart · 10/01/2018 00:46

Ps we have amazing sex which after years of a sexless marriage I really do cherish!

Original poster
CosmicCanary · 10/01/2018 06:42

I am so pleased that I am not alone!!

I think you are all right and I need to get my debating kicks elsewhere. Just because I like a good debate does not mean everyone does.

Do you think if I joined the WI I could get my kicks and learn to bake? Wink

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 10/01/2018 09:37

A good, satisfying hobby is very much underrated - baking, conservation, painting, gardening, local politics, lectures, whatever takes your fancy to satisfy your needs. I think it's a lot of pressure on ourselves and our partners to expect them and us to satisfy all the needs held within the relationship. ...it's a recipe for madness IMO!

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