Happier but thicker....

[CosmicCanary]

I wasn't sure what title to use so I aplogise if it is misleading or random

Ok so I was with DH for 14 years. Lots of great times and 4 DC later we spilt.
Nobody else involved we co parent well and are still good friends we just lacked the love/attraction we once had and were more like friends, the decision to split took 2 years and was joint.

One of the things I liked and still like about exDH was that he is intelligent. We used to have great debates and conversations about everything from politics to womens rights. He was/ is always interested in what I had to say and commented often how I "got stuff" and explained my pov well.
He is educated to degree level and 9 yrs older than me while I left school at 16 with minimal barely scraped by gsce's.
He was never patronising he challenged me and made me think. I liked that.

Please bare with me all this is relevent I promise.

So I am now with DP.
We have been together 3 years.
He is lovely, supportive, kind, we laugh all the time and he makes me happy. He still gives me butterflies and I love him very much.

But.....he doesn't debate with me.
We do talk about topical stuff/things on the news but if I do not share his view he ends the conversation and even when I do share his view but I know/understand more about it he ends the discussion.

His level of education is the same as mine probably better actually.

It really frustrates me.
I find myself holding back when we chat about stuff just so the conversation doesnt end.
I miss the debate and passion of it.

I am in no way saying I am smarter than him but I do feel like I have to dumb the conversation down if I want it to last.

I know this seems like a stupid problem and he makes me happy in every other way but damn it I miss a good debate over a bottle of wine. I feel happier in my relationship but thicker if that makes sense?

Any advice welcome sorry it was longer than expected.

My psychologist friend once said it is very hard and actually quite unrealistic to expect every single thing any of us need from one human. I do however have a male friend who feels like you. He is married to a woman who is very traditional and runs a perfect home in that sense. She talks of nothing but soaps, bakery, cleaning and is dull though a nice person. He complains about this to both myself and my DH when he comes round for dinner. He does love her but she is like a Stepford wife.

They got together very quickly after he got divorced, she seduced him with comfort and baked goods. His ex was a hospital consultant and called as an expert witness in court cases. She was an intellectually challenging woman to all. I actually think this very sweet younger woman was a refuge. His ex made him feel a little dumb on occasion the man is a leading academic in his field and on tv sometimes giving his opinion. So he went from one extreme to the other.

DH and I can always have a debate about anything, he always says I could never be bored of you Peanut.

I think the moral of the story is we're never satisfied, apart from Peanut's husband 😊

@CosmicCanary

Here's the thing, compatibility has different levels and forms. You can be happy with a non-intellectual person and also happy with an intellectual one. But each has their advantages and disadvantages, depending on your personality and orientations. The question remains, what kind of person are you? Are you more intellectually oriented? Are you more attracted to intelligent men (intelligent doesn't necessarily mean intellectual, BTW)? Are you sapiosexual? Or, have more appreciation for 'having fun' and being 'happy' (whatever that means)? I don't mean to sound patronising, just trying to make a point, so please bear with me.

Having read your post, my impression you're knowledge-oriented and curious. This is a sign of intelligence. However, like most things in life, intelligence requires nourishing. If you're 'intellectually' driven, then the primary way up for you is a university degree or something like that. You could start with a short course. One of my ex-s had a secondary school education when I first met her. She, however, was intelligent, curious, and loved reading. At that point, I had an MA only, so I started taking her with me to academic conferences, introducing her to critical thinking, suggesting certain books...etc. On several occasions, I snuck her into my university lectures. She couldn't get enough and that made both of us happy. She had the natural tools but didn't have the opportunity to pursue further education. Now, she's got a Masters degree, planning a PhD, and has a good job. I'm aware this sounds patronising, but this is literally what happened.

Also, bear in mind that for your ability to 'debate' or 'engage in an intellectual exchange' to grow, there needs to be new sources. Meaning, debating with people who are not better equipped than you are will eventually lead to mental stagnancy. If your partner isn't as curious as you are, then the only way to satisfy yourself is by reading and engaging with like-minded people. When I say reading, I'm mean...reading good stuff. Cheap literature or tabloids don't help much, they hardly develop your critical thinking. Out of curiosity, what are you most interested in?

On the plus side, your partner seems like a nice man and is satisfying you in other areas. Remember that some very intellectual men won't be emotionally satisfying for certain women. The 'live in his head' man, so to speak. So, yes, you're in good hands, but you need to work on your self, develop your own abilities, grow your own intelligence. Don't be dependent on others to ignite and satisfy your curiosity and enhance your knowledge. You can do it yourself...

@BusPass30

Wow! What a great husband you are and what a team you both make! Excellent advice too, thank you.

@BusPass30

Oops, you said ex! So embarrassing! Going now!

OP, it is definitely normal to want this in a partner. It is a huge part of my attraction to DH - we can have a good lively discussion about an interesting subject, and both of us will respect each other’s opinion whether or not we agree. I would miss it hugely if we split up. My mum has it with my dad too.

I agree with other posters that you can’t necessarily have all your needs fulfilled by a single person... but I also think there’s no need to give up on your DP completely. Maybe he’s not used to having that kind of debate with his exes, but he could be “trained” to enjoy it (sorry, that sounds a little patronising!).

Keep trying out subjects and see if some work better than others. Maybe he doesn’t like arguing over politics, but he’s happy to have a discussion about a social issue that arose in the TV program you just watched together? Be careful not to dominate or become too passionate and keep the discussions short to begin with. He may just need a little practice!

But Les he does find me exasperating and I him.

@Peanutbuttercheese

They got together very quickly after he got divorced, she seduced him with comfort and baked goods.

'Baked goods!' Hilarious! 😆

@Bibbidee

Yeah, turns out empowering her made her realise that the world is far larger than me . Hence the break-up. At least she's well-equipped and happy now.