Bit of a dilemma.
One of my closest friends, let’s call her B, met a guy a few months back. We were all thrilled for her as she is a wonderful woman who deserves every happiness and he seemed like a great guy and made her incredibly happy.
He recently set up a new business which means he works very long hours and is very stressed. She makes great efforts to see him at place of work (public place with lots of people coming and going, not like an office) and spends all her free time with him.
She invited me and DH to the opening party for the business and throughout the night she became increasingly unhappy at the fact that one of his friends, who she had only been introduced to a few days previously, was also there and getting a lot of his time and attention and had been quite involved in the set-up of the business. When B asked how they knew each other she was very vague and changed the subject. She made no effort to talk to B or anyone else apart from him that night. She left before we did and B went home with him.
The next day she called me in floods of tears to say they had broken-up. She had asked about this woman and he became very angry and started shouting and swearing and B left that morning. I was very shocked as he doesn’t seem the type AT ALL but told her if that was his response to straightforward questions he was clearly hiding something and his response was OTT. She then admitted that he would blow up quite frequently, was often very moody and selfish and was either all over her or very distant. At this stage they had been together less than 2 months so I said have a good cry but chalk it down to a lucky escape.
A few weeks later I walked past the business out of opening hours and he was in there with the friend.
Before I had a chance to tell B I got a message saying he had begged her for another chance, had promised never to behave like that again and was getting help for his anger issues. I said nothing about what I had just seen. Stupid.
After that things were great between them. She was spending all free time with him again, lots of trips to fancy places and talk of their future. Then she said they were spending Christmas together and going on their ‘dream’ holiday. All paid for and booked by him.
We met for a drink a couple of weeks before the holiday and it was clear she was quite unhappy but defensive of him. She said the anger issues were still there but not as bad. That he could be quite possessive and controlling but was trying very hard not to be – it was because he loved her so much and she is so out of his league – and that he was still in regular contact with that friend. She would often wake in the night to find him on his computer saying he couldn’t sleep and was catching up on work but once she had managed to get into it and could see that he was regularly messaging his ‘friend’ in the middle of the night. There wasn’t anything physical going on between them but the messages sometimes very emotional and often about his relationship with her (B), which the friend took very badly. This woman was the one who persuaded him into getting help for his anger and was supporting him through an official MH diagnoses, which B knew nothing about until then.
B said she was very confused and hurt but he bombards her with messages about how much he loves her, how he never thought he would find someone like her, never thought he would fall in love again, that she makes him feel whole and he would do anything to make her happy and for them to stay together and she wants to believe him.
I begged her to take time out to think. She said she would think about it. Next thing I hear they are off on holiday as planned – he had sorted stress at work, cut off the friend completely and was going to prove to her on holiday how much she meant to him.
Dh and I were discussing this over a drink one night over Christmas and DH decided to put his IT skills to use and started googling.
According to this guy he has a long and famous career in his industry. All we can find are half arsed ventures that flopped. He says he has lived in our city for 20 years. Electoral register put him elsewhere in that time. And with a woman we believe is his ex wife. He has told B his doesn't believe in marriage. He also told her he does not want kids. We think, based on some lax facebook settings, that he has one. Who he has never mentioned and does not see. It looks as though his ex-wife lives on the other side of the country and is very happily remarried. His relationship after that, which broke up a while before he met B, started not long after the birth of his child it seems.
B has come back from holiday on cloud 9 and is saying she knows they are going to grow old together and that all the previous behaviour was just fear and insecurity and it’s all behind them. She is literally glowing with happiness. They have been together for 6 months.
How do I even begin to broach this without alienating her? The way she is right now, I don't think she will listen to a word I say. But I can't not say anything.
What would you do MNers?