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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Off to Relate, should I disclose EA?

29 replies

Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 11:26

Please be kind to me, my first post after lurking for a while finding courage...

I had a five month EA with a man I’ve known 30 years, he is divorced I am married. It was a lot of things and ultimately wrong. I know that. We mutually agreed to end it on that basis.

I have been married 19yrs together 26 from when I was 18, two pre pubescent dc. I felt unloved and unappreciated, like a convenient domestic arrangement in my house. My husband is kind and unassuming but neither of us overly happy but just bumbling along.

Sorry to ramble but having had a heart to heart with dh about how we feel, we are off to Relate. Should I mention the EA ? I want Relate to work, I want to find some of the spark from the EA in my marriage. Do I have to share the EA to really stand a chance? I don’t know what to do for the best, any thoughts gratefully received. I only want to make things better and go forward as a family.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 08/01/2018 11:54

Personally I wouldn't bring it up, if you feel the ea got you to the point that you want to work on your marriage, and you stopped it. Then I would see it as a catalyst that's woken you up.

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 12:13

Thanks Hunting. My instinct is to say nothing but I am so desperate to get this right, I am doubting my own judgement. Thank you.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/01/2018 12:18

Perhaps you could say you had the opportunity to have one or were tempted but didn't. In that way you can discuss what brought you to that point but don't have to discuss the ins and outs.

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 15:11

Thanks NK. I’m going to play it by ear with a view to not disclosing. I think sharing my poor decision making will only make it harder on my dh and more difficult for us to move forward. Thanks for the support - we are going to make it!

OP posts:
HarrietBasset · 08/01/2018 15:20

Relate usually offer an individual session after the initial joint one this is completely confidential so if you wanted to you could disclose to your counselor then he or she won't be able to bring it back into the joint session but it might help you to offload it

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 15:53

Thank you HarrietB that is useful to know. I can’t tell anyone in RL so it might help me to go forward. Sharing makes it more real in someways so I will see how it goes. Thank you.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 08/01/2018 19:40

I'd say yes.

Allow your husband to make decisions about his future based on truth.

GertieMotherwell · 08/01/2018 19:47

There’s no point in going if it’s based on lies

Huntinginthedark · 08/01/2018 19:56

It's not nescarily going to be based on lies. She didn't have an affair.
Sometimes I think if you say what happened to get you to the point where you want to try on your marriage then all the real problems get ignored and then it's all about your EA.
If it had been a full affair I would think differently

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 19:57

There is no lie. He has no idea and incidently i have not had to lie to him thus far. I truly believe there is good reason to go whether I decide to share the EA or not.

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 08/01/2018 20:04

Many people view emotional affairs to be equal to physical affairs and worse that ONS’s.

If your partner had done this would you want to know? If you found out what had happened after the counselling would you feel your partner had been open and fully committed to it?

Sadik · 08/01/2018 20:09

Ex-H had an EA & did disclose during counselling. Ultimately he wasn't really committed to making our marriage work, and actually when he admitted it then it made everything clearer for me.

If he had genuinely wanted to stay - which it sounds like you do - personally I think it would have been easiest for me if he hadn't talked about it. (He did have individual counselling, and as suggested above obviously that would have been an appropriate place for him to talk it through.)

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 20:26

Thank you for your insight Sadik, that is really helpful to me. You are right I really do want to make our marriage work.
Hunting I agree. I believe and want to focus on improving my marriage and the EA was my wake up call. I have to do all I can to improve my marriage, for my own wellbeing and that of my dh and dc. I don’t know how it will work out but we are going to give it our best efforts.

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 08/01/2018 20:36

There is lying by omission.

It’s interesting that you thank posters who agree with you for their insight.
My insight, from someone who was lied to throughout counselling is that its extremely damaging

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 20:57

Hi Gertie, I do appreciate everyone’s comments, thank you for yours. I have considered your questions about how I would feel...i have considered them both before and after you posed them. My answers are part of forming my view on what to do. I’m sorry you were lied to, clearly your experience informs your view, as with us all. This decision is very important to me.

OP posts:
GertieMotherwell · 08/01/2018 21:01

Perhaps during your individual session you could ask the counsellors view 💐

troodiedoo · 08/01/2018 21:03

Usually counselling works best with full disclosure and both parties willing

Probably get flamed for this, but I don't think many men will grasp the concept of EA. So don't call it that. Just say you were a bit too close or something.

Original poster
Wineisnotmyfriend · 08/01/2018 21:16

Thanks Gertie, that’s a good idea.

Troodiedo - I know what you mean about understanding the concept of an EA!

OP posts:
crunched · 08/01/2018 21:29

Probably get flamed for this, but I don't think many men will grasp the concept of EA. So don't call it that. Just say you were a bit too close or something
I would second this, I had no idea what an EA was until I joined MN and DH certainly wouldn't recognise the term.

Coyoacan · 09/01/2018 05:44

I would second this, I had no idea what an EA was until I joined MN

Me neither and I've certainly never considered those feelings to be on a par with being unfaithful.

Pannacott · 09/01/2018 05:57

I think it would be a good idea to talk about it. Maybe not in the first session, but early on. Don't use the term emotional affair, the idea of 'getting too close' is a good one. If you genuinely want this to work out you need to start to become emotionally intimate and vulnerable and trusting again. You need to own your part. And your partner needs to know how the lack of whatever it was lead to your sourcing something outside the marriage.

HipNewName · 09/01/2018 06:09

My vote is to not bring it up right away because it will only distract from the real issues. At some point, may be say that you started having feelings for someone else, and it woke you up to wanting to work on the marriage. The truth is that if things don't change in your marriage, your marriage won't last. It might be helpful for him to really, really understand that.

Like Sadik, my DH had an EA. I figured it out. I would have preferred he had just pulled his head out of his arse and been a good husband rather than to live with knowing.

However, I think that some men are really lazy about their relationships, and even though their wives tell them over and over that they aren't happy, the men can't be bothered to work on the relationship. Then they are shocked when the woman leaves. So, I think it is fairer for him to know that if you keep on not getting your needs met, eventually your marriage will fall apart.

HipNewName · 09/01/2018 07:55

@Coyoacan "Me neither and I've certainly never considered those feelings to be on a par with being unfaithful"

An emotional affair isn't just an attraction to someone else. It is being unfaithful to marriage in ways that don't include fucking.

For example, being in love with someone else, spending every minute they can communicating with them and thinking about them, lying to their spouse about where they are and what they are doing so they can be with or communicate with the person. But rather than fck that the person they are in love with, they fck their spouse while thinking about the person they are in love with. And doing that for months and months. It's nasty and degrading, and difficult to recover from.

For me, it would have been far, far easier to get over a one night stand.

(I'm not saying that this is how the OPer's EA played out, just explaining why an EA is a form of being unfaithful)

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2018 08:41

I don't personally see the point of counselling if you keep things back. I think it's totally relevant that you had an EA.

And sorry, you're playing with semantics by saying "there is no lie". You can get round that because he presumably has no idea and has therefore not asked you "Is there someone else?" or words to that effect which means you have uttered words that can be construed as a lie.

But you've been hiding this from your husband and are clearly aware it was wrong. You may not have lied verbally or physically, but you have emotionally. It's still lying in my book. And relationships are based on trust and trust comes from truth not lies.

You can't expect your husband to work at the marriage if he isn't aware of what is wrong within it and the fact you had a 5-month emotional affair is just how serious it is.

DotCottonDotCom · 09/01/2018 12:28

Shatners in the ball

I found out details of infidelity after counselling, and also discovered whilst it was shared with a counsellor on an individual basis it was never shared with me.

Made me just think I wasted my money on couples counselling and I don’t do it anymore, based on that, which is grim because we probably need it.