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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH won't communicate with me

34 replies

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 11:13

Our marriage has been rocky for at least a year. I've suggested counselling and he said 'no, it's a waste of money'. I've tried telling him I feel lonely and left out of things and he says I need to make plans to see friends and DO stuff on my own. I DO do stuff on my own but it feels like i do everything on my own. What's the point of my marriage if I do everything alone? I mostly eat alone. I wake up alone. He's decided to send me to Coventry because I said that he does not pull his weight in the house and he didn't like that. I food shop alone. I cook alone. I wash up alone. I go to college alone. I work full time. He works shifts and a lot of weekends. He does not make plans with me or anyone else from what I can tell. His work friend is in a relationship with a woman who has become a friend of mine. She sometimes asks me if my DH is going out with her OH on a particular night and I have to say I don't know (because my DH does not tell me anything). My DH is sulking beyond normal sulking. Tis ihas been happening for 5 days now. He shuts himself in the lounge with the door firmly closed. He does not visit the kitchen to get food or drink. He keeps a glass of water on the table next to the sofa and watches TV til all hours. He seems to be eating biscuits and crisps and occasionally makes a cup of tea if I am out. He stays out after his work shift ends and I'm confident he is visiting his DM who is housebound. If I were to ask him when he has been he'd likely say he's been at his mother's. I try to talk face to face and he shuts me down. I resort to texting him if he is out of the house and he ignores the texts. Is the problem ME or does HE have the problem? Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
FuckyNellYaBastad · 08/01/2018 11:16

Christ why are you still with him?

Offred · 08/01/2018 11:22

I left a marriage that was like this. Life is much better.

Looking back him refusing to go to counselling was the lightbulb moment where I really realised that this was how he liked the marriage to be. That he didn’t care how unhappy I was.

Weirdly when I said I was leaving he was desperately sad and wanted to go to counselling but by that time that just made me extremely angry (inside, outwardly I tried hard to be calm).

I’m still angry about that because he was still being really selfish right at the end.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2018 11:26

Its not you, its him.

But I have to look at you as well. Why are you with him at all, what do you get out of this relationship still?.

Sulking like he is showing you is another form of emotional abuse. Joint counselling with him in any case would be a waste of time, money and effort. Such men never ever go to counselling but instead blame others for their inherent ills. These men as well do not change, you can only change how you react to him.

PNGirl · 08/01/2018 11:28

I suggest leaving him to his own miserable existence. At the very least, tell him he clearly thinks of you as a housemate so as such he can cook and wash for himself.

Skittlesandbeer · 08/01/2018 11:28

They say that the worst kind of loneliness is when you’re lonely within a relationship. Imagine your life without someone who is ‘there but not available’ like your OH is. Frankly I’ve had housemates who were more emotionally supportive and good company.

Try and see it as him being shit company, rather than you being somehow deficient and bizarrely needy. What you are asking for sounds more than reasonable, but he’s just not interested (or interesting).

Can you take yourself off somewhere for a while? Live with a friend? Build your confidence and let him have a taste of life without you?

To answer your question directly- yes you definitely DO have a problem, it’s him.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 08/01/2018 11:32

Op nowhere in your post do you sound married.
Ltb. There really is nowt else to say.

pollythedolly · 08/01/2018 11:33

Stonewalling is abusive.

Personally, I'd end the misery. You deserve so much more.

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 11:40

I have put up with the shift work and absences at weekends for so long I got used to it. Then we suffered from infertility and we had IVFs and after they all failed I tried to take stock and accept the cards i had been dealt. He could be decent and this behaviour has mainly happened over the last 12 months.

This weekend I finally saw his behaviour for what it is: manipulative.

I have contacted a solicitor and will be making an appointment to discuss the next step. I just deserve more I know I do. Life can be cruel and difficult but he's not on my side, he's not in my corner. I expect support from my husband. He gets my support.

He's been hiding money from me. at the end of last summer he told me when I asked we couldn't afford to go away for a holiday and that we'd already been away in April last year. Then I went snooping in November because we were having a really awful time and I wanted to find out what savings he actually had in his savings account. What i actually discovered was that he had spent a large and I mean large sum of money on his car (his pride and joy) repairs and had not told me the true costs. I admitted that i'd found out about it and he said I didn't tell you because you would have 'gone mad'. No i would have been a bit pissed off but I would not and could not have stopped him spending money he'd put aside. But he lied to be about the cost of repairs and denied me a holiday (which could have been 3 nights away on the Isle of Wight or somewhere near-ish to home) whci would have been a fraction of what he'd already spent without telling me. I did hold resentment about it but the fact is he didn't want to go away with me. I see it more clearly now.

I need a new life away from this manipulator. I prefer my life when he is out of the house and I now resent doing anything that would benefit him e.g. cooking us both dinner, cleaning our joint home etc. It's going to get nasty isn't it? Time I get out.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2018 11:45

Definitely time to get out.
Life is way too short for this kind of crap.
Stop doing anything for him as of now.
Can you or do you sleep in separate rooms?
You sound like you know what you're doing so go for it.

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 11:47

What i get out this relationship is sadness and alone-ness. I have a good relationship with my parents and they love me and care for me. Mum had me there for roast dinner yesterday and said she'd come back home with me and have it out with him. I was able to persuade her to let me deal with it myself.

The property we own won't sell quickly because it is a half finished project and the Buyer will knock us down on the price but I just cannot face trying to get the work done with an unco-operative DH around.

There will be someone who will buy the house for the right price. And if DH and I both end up with less money from the sale then so be it. I really need this appointment with the solicitor.

OP posts:
pollythedolly · 08/01/2018 11:49

Good, you're seeing it as it is.

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 11:52

DH has decided that he prefers to sleep on the sofa despite the spare double bed in the other bedroom. He knows it upsets me to think he's scrunched on a sofa and he does it anyway.

He's probably depressed and he won't seek help. I can't get the help FOR him. His friends presumably think he's being grumpy or is busy working. One of his friends does message him suggesting going out for a beer but that happens infrequently.

Currently If DH goes out of an evening I don't know that he is going until he returns home, when he comes in the house and goes in the lounge and shuts the door behind him and that's all he does. He is not speaking a word to me. I really wish he'd seek help.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 08/01/2018 11:56

Leave the twat.

Why put up with his moods when it sounds like there is nothing to savage

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 12:04

Is it unreasonable that my DH refuses to reply to text messages?
I messaged him just as he was getting ready to leave the house this morning for work (at 5am). Then at at 8am. and then again at 10.30am.
It's now noon. Is this gas lighting?

OP posts:
Enigma78 · 08/01/2018 12:14

I think he is trying to force you out of the house by giving you the silent treatment. He wants you to run away so that he has it all to himself. My guess is, once you're out, he'll block sale of the house by refusal to co-operate with you.

Put everything before your solicitor and don't make any hasty moves.

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 12:19

Do I inform his family of his silences and behaviour, for his own good? I would not want him to harm himself. He is of the age (late forties) known to be susceptible to suicide and he won't talk to me or anyone about his problem.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 08/01/2018 12:56

I don't feel its mental health but manipulative behaviour to get what he wants.
He seems to want to play the victim.

I was on the receiving end of stonewalling, its soul destroying.

ChickenMom · 08/01/2018 12:57

No don’t inform anyone. He’s doing it deliberately so don’t waste time “helping” him. Stop caring about his reasons and his emotions. Put all your energy into your future plans and getting all of your ducks in a row. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour from your OH. If he can’t treat you with the basic decency and respect you deserve then get rid and spend energy making a new life for yourself. You deserve somebody who wants to be with you. He clearly doesn’t. Ask him to leave. That might actually give him a massive wake up call!

ChickenMom · 08/01/2018 12:57

And get counselling for yourself to help you through this x

MyBrilliantDisguise · 08/01/2018 13:00

You know what I'd do? Pack my bags today and go to stay with my parents. Then as soon as I possibly could I'd file for divorce. Oh yes, and if you have joint accounts, make sure you take what's fair for you out of them. This isn't a marriage. Being in prison would be preferable.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2018 13:01

Look up 'stonewalling abuse'
It's not nice at all.
Arrange to separate / divorce and inform everyone why.
Tell him later that you are seeing a solicitor and to expect divorce papers soon.
His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Granville72 · 08/01/2018 13:03

See a solicitor and get the ball rolling for a divorce.

If he wont speak to you, then text him that your marriage is over and you have filed for divorce. Personally I wouldn't even do that, I'd just pack a bag and go.

Get your house valued and on the market

Move home with your Mum if you can and have all your post de--redirected there as well so nothing important gets 'lost' if he's being a tosser.

Granville72 · 08/01/2018 13:05

And if you have a joint account, then ensure your wages are being paid into your own account and take half of any joint savings before he blocks the account or transfers it all.

Do this now rather than later

Todayfrustratingday · 08/01/2018 13:53

Thankfully I have always had my salary paid into my sole account and also savings I've put away are in my sole name too. I did not intend to keep the money from him and he knows what I have saved.He just cannot touch it.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 08/01/2018 14:01

That's good at least, one less thing to deal with.

So, what is your next plan? I'd seriously pack a bag and go stay at your Mums for a bit if you can. Don't tell him you are going or where and see if he even notices that you are gone.

If he doesn't then you have your answer, but I think you already have your answer to what your next steps should be.