Does anyone else's DH vastly overestimate their domestic contributions?

[HmmmFace]

I'm feeling quite hurt and confused at the minute.

My DM has just visited explaining that DH has been telling her that he does everything around the house, all the cooking etc. and that I must be depressed or something. She said she didn't believe him because she 'knows what he is like'.

Firstly, this is absolutely, hands down, not true. If I had to put it into percentages I'd say DH does about 35% of the domestic load. This basically means he will put 1/2 loads of washing on a day (but not iron or put away) he cooks maybe once or twice a month, he mops and hoovers about once a week and will change the bed if dd has had an accident (because this is usually in the night and I bf ds still)

I make sure the dc are washed, teeth brushed etc. (he does this very occasionally but I have to ask him, if left he will just bring them down without doing this) and everything else that needs doing.

It's other things too, like making sure dc take medications, meal planning, shopping lists, organising holidays.

Essentially if I don't do it, nothing happens.

I've been very unwell for the last week (flu and pleurisy) and I'm still feeling a bit trippy so haven't been doing much I'll admit. And the house is a mess. Surely if he was 'doing everything' it would be spotless, like when I 'do everything'.

Sorry, I'm starting to doubt myself.

And I should add (so there is no drip feed) that DH doesn't work and receives carers allowance for me (autism) but that actually I do very well when I have my rotas up (reminding me what needs doing) but DH keeps saying he doesn't like them and keeps taking them down.

Maybe it's the illness but I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy, I'm so sure that he isn't doing 'everything'.

First off it is not up to him to take your rotas down. This is completely out of order. If this is a strategy that helps you, absolutely do not let him remove them. I find it odd that he would do that.
Secondly there have been studies done to show that men consistently overestimate how much they do in the house and women consistently underestimate. That should tell you that you are categorically not crazy, this is unfortunately true for many households all over the world.
Thirdly what the fuck is he complaining to your mum for?! The fact that she said she "knows what he's like" is very telling. If he is your carer and receives carers allowance for looking after you please think about whether he is taking advantage of you.

To clarify women consistently underestimate how much they themselves do

Go on full strike and start listing up the jobs he's not getting done.

Makes me so mad.

Do the rotas help you with your autism? It sounds basically abusive of him to take them down!

I think men are really good at noticing what they do, and also good at not seeing all the other things that need doing, or appreciating the extent of them (and yes this includes the 'mental load') and I say this as a man. I do think there's a risk that because when a lot of us were still children at a time when the housework was considered the woman's domain that we think we're absolute fucking heroes for changing a bedsheet and remembering to buy milk.

If you are able to manage day to day would it nit be be if your dh had a job at least part time?
I have 3 dc with autism , 1 an adult if she was in your position that is what I would advise. Although obviously I dont know if it is possible for you to manage alone for and period of time.

take a share if his ca and hire a cleaner!

To be fair I think we all tend to notice the bits we do compared to the bits our partners do. I know my DH overestimates his contribution to the house but I overestimate my contribution to the garden, for example.

But saying he does all the cooking when he does it once or twice a month is ridiculous! You need to talk to him about this, OP.

In what way is he earning his CA, then? Does he just look at it as "free money" that he doesn't have to actually do anything for? It sounds like he's actively sabotaging your coping strategies. How is he caring for you and your autism, specifically?

My DH does a fair bit around the house, but he overestimates it because there are so many jobs he doesn't even know about. He'd never think to clear out cupboards, or rearrange the kids' clothes to put away their winter stuff or whatever- let alone things like Christmas cards for neighbours, making sure pe kit is ready on the right day etc.

It sounds like your DH is doing more than what he thinks is his fair share of the jobs he knows about.

Not only should he NOT be taking your rotas down, he should be using them to up his % of domestic tasks.
(I also think that what you describe is nowhere near 35%>

of the jobs he knows about
Very good point.

My DH would say he does 40% of housework because he cooks half the time (and shops for what he cooks) or washes up when I cook.
But he doesn't think to buy the random cupboard stuff.

Yes, he'll replace the empty loo roll, but he won't think to make sure that there are spare rolls handy to enable him to replace the roll

take a share if his ca and hire a cleaner

Thank you all. I found out he had been telling mil that too.

So I've put my rotas again, exactly 50% for every job, swapping on days of the week so it's fair.

I told him that if he takes them down again I will do the above statement. And that if he 'does everything' then these new rotas should mean he's doing less surely?

smug

And that if he 'does everything' then these new rotas should mean he's doing less surely?
Haha nice one OP

Nicely done OP.
I can't imagine he'll follow it but at least you'll have something to compare to.
He sounds a bit abusive to be honest.

OP that is brilliant. You are absolutely right to feel smug. Very, very elegantly done 😁👍

My DH is very fond of claiming he “does everything” around the house. I reality, he hoovers occasionally (it hurts his back apparently!), empties the dishwasher about once a week or so, and makes the bed some mornings. As someone up thread has said, he’s one of those men who are very fond of over estimating what they actually do, and I suspect OP’s DH is the same.

He definitely was overestimating it. He was just reading the rota and said 'This doesn't need doing every day does it?!' His face was a picture.

Err yes it does, who do you think has been doing it?

I think he genuinely did think he was doing it all. It might be quite fun to see how long it lasts. If I end up doing it all anyway I may suggest he goes and gets a job as I'm obviously fine by myself (Not really, but my DM said she'd be happy to come up in the day now she's retiring)

I call it delusion. My DH once said he was doing everything apart from breastfeeding when the DC were younger.

I agree that men think they do more than they actually do.

If you end up doing it all, yep, tell him to get a job.

It's a delusion and I think most men have it.

Mine certainly thinks he does 50% of the work, when he does no such thing. And also there are so many jobs he doesn't even notice I do!

And with the mental load, I do it all. He needs to be asked to do anything, then he argues about it, then whinges about it, and then finally might get round to it weeks later!

I've stopped washing his clothes and let him work out what to do when there's no clean pants in the drawer!

That's abusive. Taking your Rotas down and then telling the mothers he is doing it all and knowing he is lying.

Don't question yourself. But question his motives in doing this. It's unpleasant behaviour to you.

Is there other areas of his behaviour that concerns you?

Have you two profiles op? are you also sad kitty?

I am, I changed my username as it seemed appropriate (posting about my cat)

He does have some other behaviours that bother me to be honest. Sometimes it doesn't seem like a big deal but this has kind of brought it up for me again.

How is it fair that you each do 50% if he is receiving carers allowance? (unless you split that 50/50 too?)

I'd get a different carer in so he could fuck off out to work. He doesn't deserve the carer allowance

Talking about you behind your back to people = slimy