Does anyone else's DH vastly overestimate their domestic contributions?

[HmmmFace]

I'm feeling quite hurt and confused at the minute.

My DM has just visited explaining that DH has been telling her that he does everything around the house, all the cooking etc. and that I must be depressed or something. She said she didn't believe him because she 'knows what he is like'.

Firstly, this is absolutely, hands down, not true. If I had to put it into percentages I'd say DH does about 35% of the domestic load. This basically means he will put 1/2 loads of washing on a day (but not iron or put away) he cooks maybe once or twice a month, he mops and hoovers about once a week and will change the bed if dd has had an accident (because this is usually in the night and I bf ds still)

I make sure the dc are washed, teeth brushed etc. (he does this very occasionally but I have to ask him, if left he will just bring them down without doing this) and everything else that needs doing.

It's other things too, like making sure dc take medications, meal planning, shopping lists, organising holidays.

Essentially if I don't do it, nothing happens.

I've been very unwell for the last week (flu and pleurisy) and I'm still feeling a bit trippy so haven't been doing much I'll admit. And the house is a mess. Surely if he was 'doing everything' it would be spotless, like when I 'do everything'.

Sorry, I'm starting to doubt myself.

And I should add (so there is no drip feed) that DH doesn't work and receives carers allowance for me (autism) but that actually I do very well when I have my rotas up (reminding me what needs doing) but DH keeps saying he doesn't like them and keeps taking them down.

Maybe it's the illness but I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy, I'm so sure that he isn't doing 'everything'.

Write down everything you do in a week. Literally everything for house and kids.
Give him the list.

Men sometimes act incompetent and think we should be like their mothers, they think 30% is 30% too much .. even the most staunch feminist ally.

If he says he does all the cooking, stop. Then when he asks about the next meal, you can say 'oh, aren't you cooking? You told MIL you did all the cooking so I thought that was the plan!'

Eg:
If I notice the bath needs rinsing, there’s toothpaste round the tap, the floor needs sweeping, then I’ll just do it. DP would either ask, or just not even notice. Probs doesn’t notice because I then sort it out

Yep. My dp thinks he does equal amounts. I think I would be generous if I said he did 10%. I think pp is right about him only counting 'jobs he knows about'. He would never even be aware of things like homework, prescriptions, birthdays, school stuff etc. If he fills the dishwasher, that relinquishes him of further jobs for about 3 days. If he mops up 'he always mops'. It's happened about two or three times in 5 years. He has cleaned the oven twice, creasoted half a fence, refelted the shed roof and jet washed the flags in 2 years. This gets brought up every time we have a 'discussion' about the division of jobs. He is totally clueless about the day to day drudgery. He does work away in week so can slightly be excused for his cluelessness as he doesnt see it until hes home between contracts. When he's home though I expect him to just pitch in, but I really don't think he knows how. He thinks he is doing it. It's the only thing we argue about.

And @NewLevelsOfTiredness I’m 22 and know many many men who still act like this even though their childhoods were late 90s - 2000s

My DH is good with house work and does his share - 50%. So that's great but he thinks he does 90%. It's because he either doesn't even think of or know about the jobs I do, or sees the jobs I do as "so easy they aren't even jobs" while his are hard. For example, me cooking dinner is easy because I'm "good at it" (I'm not) but for him it's hard (it's not!).

I did the same thing Annelliot when DP kept moaning he had run out of pants or socks! He was spoilt by his mother and would like to be a 1950s husband.

Could your DM be your carer and claim Carers? Then your DH could work. From the small amount of information you've posted he doesn't sound cut out for it. Taking your rotas down is appalling. I'm an ASD mum and can't imagine anyone waltzing in and removing tools designed to help my DS because they personally don't like them. Wtf?!

Love your come back to him.

My DH also vastly underestimates how much housework he generates. Today, for instance, I come downstairs and discover he's spilled Rice Krispies all over the kitchen floor when he's been making his breakfast. He's obviously tried to scoop some of them up, but only the obvious ones. There are still loads under the table, on the mat etc. I had to clean them as we have a crawler who'd go in and eat them, and a toddler who'd walk them all over the house. But if I ask DH, he'll genuinely think he tidied them all up.

Or sometimes he tidies the living room, but just chucks stuff into random places, so it takes me ages to find it (usually with one of the kids screaming for a bum change, while I frantically try to figure out where he's stashed the wipes this time).