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Original poster

Wwyd dp's ex letting herself into our home

45 replies

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 17:41

NC for this as other posts are identifying and I think DP's ex reads this.

Dp and I live quite close to his ex and children. They officially live with their mum but stay here between 2 and 5 days a week depending on schedules. We have spare keys to each other's houses for emergencies.

I was ill on Friday so didn't go to work. As I was lying in bed i heard the door open and dp's ex walked in! She had taken the children to school and was stashing their scooters at ours so she could collect them on the way home. Apparently she does this everyday when they use the scooters! I was so surprised and not feeling well so wanted to go back to sleep so I just mumbled ok but I'm actually pretty annoyed. It's not that the scooters being there is a problem but I feel a bit invaded. I would never dream of letting myself into her home for my own convenience. I have only used her key twice when she had locked herself out and called me to ask for help.

I have spoken to dp who agrees its cheeky but doesn't really mind.

I'm not sure whether or not to raise this - we generally have a good relationship which I think is best for the children which I don't want to ruin. On the other hand being confronted with your partners ex in your own home when you're ill isn't nice and she does have form for taking the piss a bit (for example she used to ask me to cancel my plans at short notice while dp was working late so I could babysit so she could go to the pub and didn't want to take no for an answer - I don't mind helping out but I'm not about to cancel my plans to do so in a non-emergency situation.)

If you were in this situation would you say anything or grin and bear it for the sake of keeping things sweet.

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 07/01/2018 17:45

I don't know why she couldn't have sorted this - Hey ex, kids want to ride scooters to school and back, can I leave them at yours during the day to save me lugging them back to mine? Then you could have sorted a key for a shed/porch/garage which wouldn't necessitate her coming in your home.

Did she come upstairs? Or did she literally come in to leave the scooters, you heard her and came down?

I think it's cheeky and I would be really uncomfortable with it. Imagine if you'd been wandering out the kitchen in just a pair of knickers or something?

She's crossed a line. It can be fixed but she needs to know that daily stashing of scooters isn't an emergency and if she wants to organise something then she should discuss it with you both.

I'm pretty sure you can get a lockable box for outside which could store the scooters if needed.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 17:48

No she didn't come upstairs. I heard the door so came to see who was coming in.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/01/2018 17:52

Change the locks so she can't just walk in anymore

Angelf1sh · 07/01/2018 17:53

She shouldn’t have done it but if she didn’t know you were there and only intended to put them inside the door and then go, I can see how this could have come about through convenience. If she knew you were in, she should have rung the bell.

I think it’s fine to casually say next time you see her that you’d appreciate it if she rsng the doorbell going forward rather than just let herself in. You can explain that it was a bit scary or something to find someone in the house when you were ill. She ought to know she’s crossed a line and agree.

AdaColeman · 07/01/2018 17:58

Ask for your key back ASAP, in a situation where she has to hand it over immediately.
Get a shed/box for the scooters and give her a key to it.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 18:00

She didn't know i was there but it's not really the point. It's the fact that she's just been letting herself in without saying anything. It shows a lack of boundaries and respect i think.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 07/01/2018 18:03

If you get on OK with her, and she's literally only dropping the scooters in the hall and turning on her heel, I would probably let it go.

ScrabbleFiend · 07/01/2018 18:03

Buy locks for the scooters so they can be left at school like most kids do then there's no need for her to let herself into your house.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 18:04

I guess that's what she's doing elspeth but who knows? What's to say she's not doing more when noone is in.

OP posts:
VitriolicMuse · 07/01/2018 18:14

I wouldn’t be cool with this at all.

Bellamuerte · 07/01/2018 18:19

Ask for the key back and don't be afraid to say why. Get locks or a shed for the scooters.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 20:01

I think I'm going to have to say something to her. She didn't even look sheepish when I caught her! I hate the idea that she's been in my home on her own on an almost daily basis.

OP posts:
Hygge · 07/01/2018 20:18

The keys are for emergencies, not so she can let herself in every day.

I wouldn't like it and I would be asking for the key back, but I think I'd also want to change the locks in case she's made a copy.

midnightmisssuki · 07/01/2018 20:53

Tough one OP. I would rather keep things sweet as I know family’s where things are very very awkward and it’s the kids who suffer. I agree - it’s not great but is she’s walking in and leaving scooters than leaving I would let it go. Is this the hoUse she she used to share with your DH?

SandyY2K · 07/01/2018 21:00

I wouldn't like it and would make it clear....nicely that the key is for emergencies only and you don't feel comfortable with her doing this.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 21:06

No this is a house that me and dp brought together. She has never lived here.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 07/01/2018 21:10

Oh well if she’s doing it everyday and she didn’t apologise when she saw you were in then that a different story. I’d be tempted to change the locks and give the spare key to someone else.

HeddaGarbled · 07/01/2018 21:10

I can absolutely see your point of view. I would feel the same as you.

However ....... it sounds like she is taking the children to and from school when they are staying with you. She is doing your H a big favour there.

What if you make a fuss, she gets the hump and refuses to do the school run when they are with their dad?

Tread carefully.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 21:15

No the children were with her. Whoever they stay with takes them to school. Dp would never expect her to take them to school when they are with us. It's only a 5 minute walk from our house anyway. His exes walk is about another 10 minute walk. We're closer to it than her which is why she decided to dump the scooters there everyday.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 07/01/2018 21:23

Ah, OK then, in that case, I think you can tread a little less carefully Grin

wheresthel1ght · 07/01/2018 21:25

Whether dp is on with it or not is irrelevant, you are not OK with it so he needs to back you up and deal with his ex.

I have similar issues with my dps ex. She demanded a key and a tour when we bought this house and was livid that I said no. So every time she came near she would try the door to see if it was open. She has waltzed in numerous times and sent shitty messages to dp when I have kept the door locked.

The kids are banned from having a key. There is a key safe and they are fully aware what the consequences of giving her the code will be!

She has had several warnings, and heeded none of them, it came to a head last year after dsd had forgotten to lock the door and their mum walked in, I decided that as she clearly wasn't listening to dp (or he wasn't being firm enough) that I would deal with it. Dp was warned that I would if he didn't out a stop to it. So she for a firm but polite text message telling her she was never to enter my house uninvited again. She had no legal right to enter and if she continued I would take I t n further through legal channels. She was livid. The abuse dp took was immense. She firmly believes she has a legal right to come into my home.

Like you, she has never lived here, this is a house dp and I bought together. She has no claim to it.

I urge you to stop it now. It is a massively disrespectful thing to just walk in and assume it is ok. She is abusing the trust you have placed in her. Take back your key and nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 21:32

That sounds horrible. I don't have any reason to suspect it will get that bad for us though. I think it's just not wanting to drag the scooters home.

OP posts:
Somerville · 07/01/2018 21:39

The fact she didn't look sheepish is a good sign - she's more likely to be embarrassed if she'd ever snooped or whatever.

Co-parenting flexibly and well is difficult. I don't think this is worth rocking that boat over, but that's ultimately for you and your partner to decide. Ultimately if together you choose to mention it, or take her key back, or whatever, then it should all be done as calmly and politely as possible, but you know that.

Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 21:44

It is hard I try to be as flexible as possible as its better for the children but I feel that this is a step too far. I've been near her house bursting for the loo but wouldn't let myself in and use hers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mousepants · 07/01/2018 22:07

Also I think the fact she didn't look sheepish is a sign that she felt that it was ok and she was entitled to be there so not a good sign.

OP posts: