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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wwyd dp's ex letting herself into our home

45 replies

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 17:41

NC for this as other posts are identifying and I think DP's ex reads this.

Dp and I live quite close to his ex and children. They officially live with their mum but stay here between 2 and 5 days a week depending on schedules. We have spare keys to each other's houses for emergencies.

I was ill on Friday so didn't go to work. As I was lying in bed i heard the door open and dp's ex walked in! She had taken the children to school and was stashing their scooters at ours so she could collect them on the way home. Apparently she does this everyday when they use the scooters! I was so surprised and not feeling well so wanted to go back to sleep so I just mumbled ok but I'm actually pretty annoyed. It's not that the scooters being there is a problem but I feel a bit invaded. I would never dream of letting myself into her home for my own convenience. I have only used her key twice when she had locked herself out and called me to ask for help.

I have spoken to dp who agrees its cheeky but doesn't really mind.

I'm not sure whether or not to raise this - we generally have a good relationship which I think is best for the children which I don't want to ruin. On the other hand being confronted with your partners ex in your own home when you're ill isn't nice and she does have form for taking the piss a bit (for example she used to ask me to cancel my plans at short notice while dp was working late so I could babysit so she could go to the pub and didn't want to take no for an answer - I don't mind helping out but I'm not about to cancel my plans to do so in a non-emergency situation.)

If you were in this situation would you say anything or grin and bear it for the sake of keeping things sweet.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2018 22:14

I kind of agree with uou actually. She should have called and said is this ok. It takes some balls to go into someone else's home uninvited. I'd feel terrible doing it. And the fact she's never mentioned it is just plain weird.

The awkward part is storing their scooters isn't a big deal. I can see why she's not keen to walk them back another ten mins, total pain in the backside, so she may just say to the kids no uou cant take your scooters any more as your dad and his partner won't let you store them at their house.

Then you've got a whole other problem on your hands.

Original poster

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 22:29

I hadn't thought of that bluntness. Although I've sometimes told them that can't take scooters if they go somewhere with me as i don't want to drag them back and they accept it. If she'd asked we could probably have come to an agreement but it's the fact she just walked in that made me uneasy. It's also made me wonder if she comes in at other times. She probably doesn't but now I'm not 100% sure she wouldn't.

OP posts:

MrsPworkingmummy · 07/01/2018 22:29

There is absolutely no way I would give DHs ex a key to our home. I find it quite bizarre that this is even considered. I'm all for co-parenting, but it's too familar and crosses boundaries in my opinion.

However, you seem to co-parent really effectively and it would be a shame to rock the boat. Could you buy an outside storage facility that would allow his ex to pop the scooters in there meaning there would be no need for her to go into your actual home?

Grandadwasthatyou · 07/01/2018 22:32

Whatever the reason is she has absolutely no right to let herself in. As a pp said upthread you could have been wandering around in your underwear or doing anything really.
But that's not the point. I would be livid if anybody let themselves into my house and that includes close family, never mind DP's ex.

When your DP says he doesn't mind really, would he think it ok if you had an ex who just let himself in?
I don't think so.

SleightOfMind · 07/01/2018 22:41

Buy some scooter locks so no one is having to drag them back anywhere!

It’s definitely strange to have her letting herself in without permission. I think you need to gently ask her not to.

Gemini69 · 07/01/2018 22:43

FUCK THAT.. change the locks.... seriously bloody inappropriate on any level......

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/01/2018 22:44

Hi @Mousepants, fabby user name!😄
Have a look on the Argos web site, at the outdoor storage Keter range.
Small plastic sheds, for a reasonable price. Hope this helps.

Original poster

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 22:47

Dp is so laid back he's pretty much horizontal. It takes a lot to wind him up. Its something I love about him but it also frustrates me sometimes. I think he doesn't mind the scooters being there but I've spoken to him and he agrees that if i find it weird it's not ok and we are going to discuss it with her together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 22:49

Thanks sugarpie we will take a look but I kind of feel it's not my place to spend money on one of those as solution to her problem with the scooters. I might feel more inclined to help her out by buying one in a couple of days when I've calmed down though.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 07/01/2018 22:57

Why not say that she scared the shit out of you and that from now on, she should not be using the key without checking with one of you first. Not only do you not want to be scared you’re being burgled but you also don’t want to be disturbed again.

20PoundsOfCrazyInA5PoundBag · 07/01/2018 23:04

Are you sure she didn't causally ask one of you but you didn't realise. Ie, her "it's so annoying to drag the scooters all the way home, would be so much easier if I just had to drop them here" you or hubby not really paying much attention "yeah, totally"

Original poster

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 23:06

100% sure.

OP posts:

BackInTheRoom · 07/01/2018 23:06

I have spoken to dp who agrees its cheeky but doesn't really mind.

Sounds like he knows about this arrangement and that's why she wasn't sheepish about it, she had nothing to hide.

I'm sure this situation can be sorted out with an alternative arrangement eg she stashes them somewhere else like the back door, shed etc but unless there's a backstory of animosity, I don't see what she's done wrong given that you all appear to rub along nicely.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/01/2018 23:08

I understand how you feel, I was thinking more about you, to be honest.
I wouldn't want her, or anyone, just coming into my home whenever they felt like it. Anyway, it's an option.🌸

Original poster

Mousepants · 07/01/2018 23:11

Dp didn't know about it. I asked him and he said he didn't and I can tell he's telling the truth. He was surprised when I told him.
What she's done wrong is entering someone else's house without their knowledge. I have her key and don't go into her house with it and expected the same courtesy back.

OP posts:

SpikeGilesSandwich · 08/01/2018 00:22

That's awful! What if you and DP both had the day off and were getting frisky on the stairs when she casually walks in! You need to get your key back or get your boundaries firmly in place.

MistressDeeCee · 08/01/2018 01:06

You should've said something briefly at the time. The moment is being lost, all the time you're churning over in your mind what you already know id unreasonable. This has "snoop" written all over it why couldn't you have discussed with your DP then changed the locks?
whatever his answer you're either a team or you're not

ChaosNeverRains · 08/01/2018 06:09

Tbh while I can absolutely see why you don’t like it, it sounds like one of those things which she’s done without actually thinking and without malice iyswim. After all, she’s leaving the scooters there, in public sight, so if either of you had come home during the day you would have seen them there then, so it clearly hasn’t occurred to her that this is something she shouldn’t be doing.

As you manage to co parent well I would just get DP to have a word with her along the lines of that it wasn’t something he realised happened and that perhaps it would be beter to leave the scooters in outside in future. And add to that that he sees how she perhaps thought it was ok based on the fact that she A, has a key and B, sees this just as much as their children’s home, so he knows no malice was intended but that it’s probably best to have that boundary in the same way as they would with her house.

altiara · 08/01/2018 07:16

I don’t think you should facilitate her leaving scooters at your house! She should leave them at school or take them home. Or not use them. The key was for emergencies and can easily be given to a neighbour which would probably be more convenient for you.

Dinkiedoo · 10/01/2018 18:28

She obviously feels she has a stake in somewhere
Hubbys ex used to walk in..she never had a key but door unlocked ..she stopped when she caught us kissing in the back room one day !

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