Is this just a fantasy?

[LittleScouseMouse]

Hi all, this is my first post here but I've been lingering for a while. Bear with me as I suspect this might be a rambling one.

I have been with my fiancé for 9 years. We have a beautiful ds who is about to turn 4. We've been together since I was 18, him 19.

It was a rebound relationship which stood the course. However, I'm not the person I was when I was eighteen. I'm now a mother, a career girl. The breadwinner, if that makes any difference. I'm studying for a degree one day per week on top of my job. (I should point out I don't think myself any better than him, without him our family dynamic would be so different, but he is just.. different to me. Poles apart).

He on the other hand works a job for not much more than minimum wage, vaguely wants more although isn't sure what he wants. Certainly isn't prepared to do anything about it - he's quite happy to coast through life.

We want different things and we are polar opposites, to the point where I'm no longer attracted to him. He takes no pride in himself or the house (happy to live in a pig sty and it disgusts me) or his appearance (think forcing him into the shower) etc. We have sex but it feels like going through the motions, I do it because it will cause a fight if I dont.

I have felt like this for 2 years now and can't help but think that I want more, however he is an amazing dad, so good with ds and still makes me laugh. We are good friends I think, just completely different interests. We go on family days out and struggle for things to talk about aside from our day etc as we share so few common themes.

I suppose what I am asking is, if I leave, am I a terrible person? He would never cheat on me. He is faithful aside from a few messages I found back when we were young(er), is "being unfulfilled" a reason to break a family unit for a life that I may or may not get?
Im only 27, the prospect of another 50 years of this makes me feel so empty.

Any thoughts on this appreciates - even if it's simply to tell me to "woman up" and crack on with him.

You are not a terrible person. You deserve more than to put up with something that doesn't excite you or make you really happy. Sounds to me like you want to get out and if that's the case, you should do it.

You're not a terrible person. You've grown apart.

Most people are not the same person at 27 that they were at 18.

"Not cheating" is not enough. You deserve someone who you actually enjoy being with.

Thankyou rose. I wish I knew, I am equally as terrified to leave as not sure if it is the right thing, and it's that catch 22 where you won't know until you do it!

Have you discussed all this with him?

We have discussions fairly regularly on whether we're "happy". We agree to work on it, nothing ever changes. He claims unhappiness for many reasons and then suddenly if I begin sleeping with him more regularly all is ok, miraculously.

I've told him my gripes. I need to do more, get out of the house more, we tried to find a mutual hobby to no avail. I also was brutally honest with him and told him (after tiptoeing around it for a while) that him not looking after himself (I don't mean working out etc, I mean what I would consider basic hygiene!!) made me fancy him less. It doesn't seem to strike a chord with him at all

Stop sleeping with him. He'll soon get the message.

You can't live like this forever.

My ex (that I have 2 DC with) was exactly the same unmotivated, minimum wage, no goals in life, happy to plod along like that forever. I lost all respect for him as a person. We were together throughout our 20's and at 31 I realised I didn't want to waste any more time with him.

Now been single a year, currently dating a guy who works two jobs, has so much motivation for life and so many goals. I'm so much happier. Life goes by so quick, don't waste it with the wrong person, and never stay for the kids - what example will that show them?

Also you need someone who makes EFFORT. Even BASIC effort. Seriously, if he can't prioritise his hygiene that's pretty disgusting and off putting for anyone. Unfortunately some people get too comfortable in relationships and let themselves go too much.

You're not terrible. You're just not compatible anymore. You deserve to find someone who makes you happy, as does he. You should tell him sooner rather than later though as it's not fair on him to drag this on for a few more years, knowing you are planning on leaving.

I appreciate that some people are like that, just happy with their lot, and that's absolutely fine, it's just not who I am. When you're 18, you don't know what kind of a person you are. I'd just finished school, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life other than I wanted a family and a house and kids and to be happy.

I know he loves me and I do think I still love him (in some way), I don't know if that's "real" love or just familiarity, but honestly I just don't think it's enough.

Re the hygiene thing, it's just laziness. It's like living with a sixteen year old. Off putting at best.

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want...what is this teaching your child? To put up with lazy manchildren forever?

Interestingly, I thought I would be more upset reeling this all off. Just feels like a huge weight off my shoulders - thank you all for your replies!

Yes with regard to DS! I want him to grow up with so much more respect for himself than his dad seems to have for himself currently.

I feel like maybe I have belittled him by telling him how I feel... I did try the nice tactics first though. Gentle suggestions here and there to no avail. I guess some people just aren't ready to grow up!

youre not a bad person. He sounds nice enough but youre not in love anymore or attracted to him. You cant live like that and you dont have to. Its not an easy decision but I think you know what you need to do. You cant live a half life

What a sad post. You are a classic example of why people shouldn't settle down too young. Whatever you decide to do, it's not going to be easy for you OP. You sound like a strong person though, I wish you all the best.

But at the very least I'd be saying, no daily shower, no sex.

I honestly thought I was a symptom of the "seven year itch". I think I'm just realising that I don't want to settle (feel horrible saying that but it is my gut feeling).

I think I come across as sounding strong because I am being quite pragmatic - the reality is that being alone terrifies me, I will probably have to sell the house, what if I end up living a miserable life etc etc.

I am conflicted, but I do think that if it wasn't for ds I would've walked long ago.

Interested to know how people cope with this? Not necessarily "finding someone else" but more adjusting to being alone after it being all I've known for my adult life!!

You've just outgrown him. Time to call it a day and make 2018 your year

I've been in your position myself and I was afraid of being alone. I needed a shove to leave him and in the end that shove came when I met someone else. And I have never been happier. My partner now makes me so happy and looking back I can see how my past relationship was all wrong. You just know when you're with the right person.

I needed someone to say that!! This is the other question I have been asking friends. Do you just "know"? because I don't. I don't look at him and think, 'I'm so glad I'm about to spend the rest of my life with you.'

Don't know if I'm expecting life to be some ridiculous fairy tale or?

Expecting basic hygiene and someone who you find interesting to spend time with is not asking for a fairy tale.

We have sex but it feels like going through the motions, I do it because it will cause a fight if I dont.

You need to split up. This is really unhealthy. Having sex you don't want to have is not good for the psyche.

Thankyou all. He's out tonight with friends which is rare so had some good time to reflect and spend time with my little one!

I'd tell him that everything you've mentioned in the past is now a deal breaker. Unless it's acted upon, you're out!

He needs career guidance, unless he starts carving out a plan/oath, again you're out!

You sound ace btw. Good luck OP.

As you say in your first post, you just sound too different.

And to answer your question, I went out with a number of people who were wrong for me before DH and with the right bloke you do just know it’s right.

It sounds as though this is turning over in your mind constantly. I don’t think you can live like that in the long term. I also think that there’s a risk in your situation that you meet someone who excites you more and it’s hard to resist. If you want to leave far better to deal with this now - your bloke might be a genuinely decent ex to share parenting with if there isn’t huge acrimony involved.

Would it be leaping to conclusions to ask if you have been drifting apart for a long time, but getting married and then having a baby were things that you were "doing together" so they gave you something to talk about?

And then with a small child there's so little time spare that it didn't matter so much that you didn't have anything to talk about.

I do it because it will cause a fight if I dont
THIS is not good!!!!
Please don't have sex with someone to stop an argument.
Respect yourself enough to do what is best for YOU!
And don't fight about it.
I don't want sex with you - ever.
His comeback.
You walk away!
Job done!