Is this just a fantasy?

[LittleScouseMouse]

Hi all, this is my first post here but I've been lingering for a while. Bear with me as I suspect this might be a rambling one.

I have been with my fiancé for 9 years. We have a beautiful ds who is about to turn 4. We've been together since I was 18, him 19.

It was a rebound relationship which stood the course. However, I'm not the person I was when I was eighteen. I'm now a mother, a career girl. The breadwinner, if that makes any difference. I'm studying for a degree one day per week on top of my job. (I should point out I don't think myself any better than him, without him our family dynamic would be so different, but he is just.. different to me. Poles apart).

He on the other hand works a job for not much more than minimum wage, vaguely wants more although isn't sure what he wants. Certainly isn't prepared to do anything about it - he's quite happy to coast through life.

We want different things and we are polar opposites, to the point where I'm no longer attracted to him. He takes no pride in himself or the house (happy to live in a pig sty and it disgusts me) or his appearance (think forcing him into the shower) etc. We have sex but it feels like going through the motions, I do it because it will cause a fight if I dont.

I have felt like this for 2 years now and can't help but think that I want more, however he is an amazing dad, so good with ds and still makes me laugh. We are good friends I think, just completely different interests. We go on family days out and struggle for things to talk about aside from our day etc as we share so few common themes.

I suppose what I am asking is, if I leave, am I a terrible person? He would never cheat on me. He is faithful aside from a few messages I found back when we were young(er), is "being unfulfilled" a reason to break a family unit for a life that I may or may not get?
Im only 27, the prospect of another 50 years of this makes me feel so empty.

Any thoughts on this appreciates - even if it's simply to tell me to "woman up" and crack on with him.

Thanks all for your replies! I have been very introverted today to the point where my boss texted me after work asking why I've been so down all day, I think I am about to brave "the conversation" with dp.

No idea what I'm going to say, just going to be honest.

Terrified 🙄😭

Let us know how it goes. It's a horrible convo to have to have. You're doing a really admirable thing.

Update guys, tonight he left.

I don't know how I feel really. Almost like I want to have a whimper, mostly numb. I'm awaiting the wobble where I think "what have I done???".

I don't know how to be single. I've been on my own for all of six months since I was sixteen years old.

Not really sure what to do with myself now that ds is in bed... even though we barely spoke towards the end, I suppose it's comforting to know that they're there isn't it.

Bizarre

Little just wanted to let you know that someone had seen your post and say “Good for you”, well done on recognising what you want and what you won’t accept.
I wish I’d had your foresight and self awareness when I was your age.

I've been on my own for all of six months since I was sixteen years old

This in itself is a great reason to deliberately be single for a bit.

You might like it - you haven't ever tried it :)

I was in relationships pretty solidly from 18 til 29 (not all the same one) and after the initial adjustment period I now really like being single.

And when you do later meet someone, if you have been single for a while you'll know that you definitely do like them, and you aren't just grabbing hold of the first person to offer you a way out of singleness.

Well done. I am in a similar position but older than you and haven't plucked up the courage to have the chat yet. You have great sense of awareness I wish I did at 28.

Well done OP. Of course it’s scary and sad when you split up with someone you used to love, but it sounds like this had to happen. You’d grown too far apart to recover.

for you

I married, had two kids with my first DH, exactly like this story, exactly same kind of guy, married at 20 divorced at 28. Get out of it now, that feeling wont go away

Thanks all for your lovely replies!
First full day out of the way - and it wasn't so bad. One day at a time, and baby steps I think!

Agree that I've never been single - I don't know how to be single! Part of me is terrified of being "alone forever" (I'm sure there will be plenty of people rolling their eyes at that, says the naive 27 year old!!) yet the other part of me is looking forward to spending some time getting to know me and doing things for 'me' rather than 'us'.

Still awaiting the wobble!

part of me is looking forward to spending some time getting to know me and doing things for 'me' rather than 'us'
Exactly this.
It's truly liberating.

I love being single.
I'd been in relationships always, since I was 16 until 41.
Spent a good year single then met someone who was lovely - NOT!!!!
He turned out to be an awful lying cheat.
So single again and loving it.
2 dates this weekend and had fun.
I've had many dates over the last year and one guy who lasted 3-4 months.
We'll see what happens from here.
There's lots to do out there.
So get out there and grab it all.

How are things going now?