Working out what's going on is killing me

[threedarlingdaughters2011]

So around 7 weeks ago my partner of 8 years left the house hold...leading up to this he had a lot of stress (not excusing what he did, just understanding) his uncle had been diagnosed with dementia, he himself found a lump down below, our daughter has been in and out of hospital, we have three children 6 and under, he works long hours and has been forced into overtime however, the overtime is very generous so can't really refuse, the house is a bulging site and his mum is now moving 1.5 hour drive away and they've always been close. He's notoriously a bottler and does not talk about his feelings or anything. He also visited his dads grace which he hasn't done in 17 years alone anyway...so I can see he himself is in turmoil.

He has since jumped into a rebound thing. He really doesn't seem that fussed on being with this person, and his feelings towards her aren't anything of substance either. Not just from what he had told me but also what he's told his friends.

Since leaving he's very shut off from having any form of chat about what's going on with me and him. He hasn't said anything along the lines of "I don't love you" "I don't want this family" "I don't want to come back etc" he can only say he felt he needed to leave because a "light switched flicked" he's never once said he wasn't happy in our relationship.

To this day, he comes round and goes above and beyond, not just for the children, but for me. He bought me Christmas presents (we never did this when we were together) any job I need doing DIY wise, he does no grumbling, skip runs are done straight away (very unlike him ha!) My gut instinct tells me he wants to come back, but it will also take months and months for him to make that decisions.

He watches my snapchat story daily. Still checks up on me on social media. I don't want to be petty and start blocking and deleting him either.

My question is how do I move forward. This is so SO hard for me. I go a few days where I'm like yesss I'm fine. I'm going good and then like last night I feel so rubbish and cry uncontrollably. I want to get myself to a place where I'm nice and strong but I just don't know how. Any advice would be greatly appreciated

For any avoidance of doubt. The light switches happened mid argument. Not just randomly.

Also I only know what he tells his friends because they tell their partners who tell me.

He also starts texts along the lines of "Good morning" whereas I'm trying not to contact him unless it's about the children.

I do want us to move forward at some point as a couple BUT I can't focus on that right now. I need to focus on me and that's what I'm struggling with.

Would you have him back?

You need to make that decision before you can move on in either direction.

I think continue to build a support network for yourself and life as a single person. You may find that by the time he's made up his mind it's too late for him.

Do you think he could be doing all the stuff round the house because of guilt?

God this is so hard- and he's being a bit unfair on you OP, keeping you on standby. I would have a conversation with him saying that you want to keep on good terms etc because of the children, but that any contact should be about the children- he has made his decision to go, and you have to accept that, and then he also has to accept that he can't keep you hanging on. to you- I've been there, moving on mentally is absolute hell.

I would tell him to quit the couply shit until he has made his mind up for one! While he thinks he has you on the back burner he's free to fuck about as much as he wants.

By the way, I'd be very surprised if this woman came on the scene after you split. Men who have a 'switch flicked' tend to have a woman behind the scenes flicking it.

I think I could possibly have him back...because as described I can see he hit a certain snapping point as all those things listed happened within 3 months of him leaving.

I don't think I will ever know if she was on the scene before or after he left, he has been adamant that she came about after he left but i also can't see him being serious about her. When he goes out with her he makes no effort whatsoever, when he's with her he replied to my texts almost instantly (only important texts) and he will only see her if I say "yes you can go out Friday night and I'll go out Saturday" type thing.

I don't want to sound melodramatic but I just feel so empty. That's literally the only way I can describe it. He's paying all the rent on my house and even his post comes to the house, thing like his wage slips, which he gets paid fortnightly so he's had more than enough time to change his address with work as he's had 3 pay days since leaving but it floors me getting post from him.

I took myself out last night, all on my own to watch a film but I ended up walking out the cinema early and crying on the bus home. When I came home early he was all comfy on the sofa with a blanket watching a film and I just looked at him, and part of me felt like we weren't split but then it hit me we were. He was hovering like he didn't want to leave type thing like loitering in door ways asking if I was okay and what not. But I know if I try and talk to him at the minute he's so closed off from anything. He didn't even speak to his mum on Christmas Day so it's hard to really work out what's going on but it drains me.

I just want to be at a point where I'm okay being alone, where I'm okay with the situation and I feel like it's 10 steps forward and 2 back. I had a run of like 4 days where I was okay I was strong but then last night I was a mess.

@AdalindSchade

By the way, I'd be very surprised if this woman came on the scene after you split. Men who have a 'switch flicked' tend to have a woman behind the scenes flicking it.

Sad but true

I mean all the things happened 3 months prior to him leaving

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. You sound remarkably together under the circumstances and are to be congratulated on being a strong woman and a really capable mum.

He is motivated by guilt, currently, IMO. Hence the 'nicey, nicey' stuff.

Like others, I don't believe in the 'rebound' scenario either. It reads more like he has been stupid enough to cheat and now deeply regrets it.

The only thing that really matters here is how you and your children are. His stress doesn't entitle him to treat you like this.

I am sure you feel pretty bereft but give yourself some time and tell him you need some space to think about how you intend to react in the wake of his actions.

Just don't allow him to blame either stress or you. Things can explain but not excuse this kind of childish, spineless and selfish conduct.

It will get better. You sound awesome.

He's clearly made a very grave error indeed!

Sounds like you would take him back in a heartbeat. Is that true?

If so, the number one thing you need to do is realise how, regardless of all the crap he's gone through (we all have life struggles), he has treated you horribly. You do NOT deserve how he has treated you.

When he comes over and 'bends over backwards' for you, with the skip runs etc - maybe that's just him feeling guilt over going off and sleeping with someone else. Or maybe he feels bad about breaking up his family, leaving you etc.

Please don't think that him watching your social media is a big deal either. Clearly you are checking to see if he has viewed things, but in reality it's the easiest thing to click on anyone's Snap story. Hardly a huge effort. Same as the 'good morning' texts, hardly him asking for you back, a text takes a few seconds to write.

Regardless of what he is saying to friends etc. His actions are everything. His actions show that whilst he will always care for you, he has no plans to take you back. He sounds like he will always do anything you need, and will play an active role in your life as a dad to the kids, but that is all from now on. If he did ask for you back, then you should really be working on why you are so eager to have him back after he has treated you so abhorrently. I can't believe the excuses you have given for his behaviour. It doesn't justify things.

How do you move on from him? Well, you do need to remove him from social media (trust me, i know that's hard.) You need to keep contact to a minimum and just about the kids. You are clearly still in love with this man and unless you start to break away and love yourself you'll never get over him.

Moving out.. changed Nothing in the situation he was Stressed about though OP... His uncle.. His Child.. His Work.. His Mum...

He's at it

Being totally truthful I'm not sure I would take him back in a heartbeat. I can't say I would or I wouldn't, it would very much depend on how things went and I also can't say how I would feel in that situation until I was in that situation it that makes sense. I have days where I'm like no I wouldn't take him back then days when I'm like yes I would. So unless I knocked on the door I would have to deal with that as and when it so happens.

Part of me feels like he himself doesn't know what he wants, which is why maybe I'm getting mixed signals. I'm not for one single second justifying his behaviour. He's a twat and has acted accordingly.

I have read many threads (from a google search) from years ago and the general consensus is that they will soon realise grass isn't greener x y and z and they come back. Yes that could happen here. Maybe it will maybe it won't. But my issue is coping with NOW. coping with today.

I know someone said I seem very composed and together but I honestly don't feel it.

Like yesterday it was my daughters 4th party, it had been planned since before he left. He was working and I was talking to my friends and people he knew and they were like "oh he'll be back soon enough. Don't worry" and it didn't phase me I was very much like "yeah well we will see if I want him back" x y and z. Yesterday I felt strong I felt in control and then by the evening I was broken, crying on a bus.

I dont go out of my way to check it he's watching my social media, it's certain comments he says and comments about photos I've uploaded that is a give away.

I do check who watches my snap but I've always done that, since I've had Snapchat. I'm not specifically doing it to see it it's him watching.

Stop allowing him to make all the decision. While you do, he will plod along with a foot in each camp. You need to decide. It's either this half life or you step back and tell him you're done.
No more him popping round. No more him being helpful. No more of his feet under your table. Tell him to redirect his mail or it will be sent back as 'no longer at this address'. No more coming in when picking up the kids. Just no more of this shite limbo he has left you in. Apply for benefits. Sort out maintenance. Rip the plaster off! This is death by a thousand cuts.
He is still having a relationship, rebound or otherwise, with someone, while keeping you dangling. Disengage. Force him to make a decision. If he then decides he wants to come back and THEN you can decide if YOU want him back.

The thing is by the time he finishes work and get home. It's almost time for my girls to go to bed. So he tend to just come put them to bed etc. As he's living in his brothers spare room he had to have the girls at my house when I'm out as there is nowhere else he can baby sit.

He did say he was redirecting his mail, after I spoke to his mum but he said that a while ago and I'm still getting post, post that was only sent out last week such as his wage slips.

I have applied for benefits and they should be coming in soon I think because I know it's a step I need to make for me.

That's exactly it, and the fact remains he is spending time with someone else. He told me they don't have labels and aren't "official" quite frankly whenever he mentions anything (I never ask!) I try and act like "okay not bothered one bit" etc but it literally feels like I'm being punched in the stomach.

I don't even know if 7 weeks is too long too short or what not. I feel like I'm going crazy and should be more moved on by now. Prebreakup I was a very strong independent lady. Not the type of person who takes shit. I never imagined I would be hurt like this.

When I say never thought I'd be hurt like this I mean in both senses. We were together 8 years and the way he's reacting is very out of character but also with that said, I never imagined I would feel this empty and alone in a way.

As long as he calls the shots you can't move forward. Right now he plays happy families with you and the kids and has fun with the less unencumbered gf. I suspect if he gave clear signals that he wanted to resume your relationship you would bite his hand off but right now you've on the back burner and he will move you off of it only if forced to. The gf is in a similar position, he'll only commit to her or end it, if forced to.

You're stuck because you're waiting for him to choose you and he knows it.

Dya know I won't lie I've thought about it a lot if he wanted to come back how would I react and I'm honestly not sure. Because the problem I have is, my mind and mood and emotions change so quickly. And one minute I'm completely fine and like no not having him back and I'm strong and well together. Next minute I'm a complete mess and want him to come back but it's like a constant swinging pendulum. Nothing is consistent with my feelings.

Crying and grieving is coping, though. To me, It's a process you need to go through. As long as you keep getting up each day and doing what needs to be done, it will gradually get a little better and then a lot better. You're in the eye of the storm, currently. It will pass over bit by bit. It won't suddenly feel OK and there probably won't be an 'I will survive' moment. However, in the midst of this awful despair, you are inadvertantly creating your new way of being and, eventually, there will be order amid the chaos. They're just my thoughts though. Someone else might have a just-add-water coping strategy but mine - although I was oblivious to it at the time - was just getting up and going through the motions each day, caring for my children and feeling all sorts of awful till it gradually eased.

I wish I could offer you more than my heartfelt best wishes and my supportive thoughts.

Keep keeping on. Thinking of you.

The thing is, I struggle with daily life at the moment. Like some days I just end up forcing the girls in the living room leaving them to play with all the Christmas stuff they got and plinking them in front of the TV.

The problem I have, is I know I can't have a chat with him about his future plans. He's so numb to everything. Like when I've tried talking to him in the past, it's almost like I'm talking to a alien. He looks at the floor, doesn't offer any input, but then if I start crying he cries too and tell me how much this family meant to him. The only time he ever seems to show any emotion is when I say it's clear we meant fuck all to him, but quite frankly. It is clear.

Relationships end all the time and I understand that, but it's the aftermath I'm struggling with.

I hate commenting back too soon

When I say talking to him in the past I mean since he left. When I talk to him since leaving he is numb to everything distant vacant etc etc. Even when talking to or about the children. It's like someone has swapped him with a alien.

But before hand he would be engaged and come up with solutions.

How difficult for you, OP. No experience with a situation like this, but I do you wouldn't want to take him back without him starting to do some work on himself to learn how to open up.

I've already made that decision. Part of me feels that he could be battling depression/midlife crisis/breakdown HOWEVER those issues would need to be seen by a professional before I would even have the chat with him about coming home.

The only way I can describe it is, it's like he's not decided and he wants to hint he will be back but not fully say it type thing. Things like he had 90 Facebook friends, he's deleted 20 of them HOWEVER he's kept my friends, he's kept my brother. He hasn't spoke to or seen my brother for nearly 4 years and they were never "friends" so it makes no sense. He tells his friends one thing and they text me and say "oh don't worry he'll be back" but then he doesn't tell me.

So from my end, I feel completely lost. I want to get myself to a strong point so that I'm okay with whatever situation should arise in the future. Maybe he will be back. Maybe he won't. But I need to be okay in myself before anything if that makes sense

He also had no intention of telling people that we are separated. People only know because of me.

The night he left, he slept in his car. He didn't even tell his mum. I did when I saw her the next day. He didn't tell his friends.

It was only the other week he was annoyed I wasn't having Sunday dinner with his mum

I do understand, I think. My eldest's father left after nine years (again, after a period of personal 'stress') and was similarly confusing. I genuinely thought, at times, that I might actually die from the complete madness of it all. At first, he did total cut-off and then, later, behaved as if we were still together despite the fact that he was simultaeneously 'dating' someone else (who was totally unsuitable). I got on brilliantly with his wonderful mum. He didn't even tell her we were seperated. We did reunite for a bit but it was so broken, I couldn't carry on with it. Somehow, in all the pain and confusion and angst, I'd managed to gradually build a new little me who wouldn't accept it again.

It helped me to reflect each evening and write a to-do list for the next day. I scheduled everything, even baths and cups of tea.

On Saturdays, I'd schedule in a film (at home) and a bottle of wine. I planned meals and child-related activities to the nth degree.

I probably should have 'opened up' to people more freely but I didn't.

It was sort of self-impossed lock down but it meant I wasn't able to deviate from the lists suffieciently in order to keep trying to fathom his motives, emotions or thoughts.

After about a year, I could see beyond the smog and realised what a brilliantly close relationship I'd built with DS.

The latter persists to this day. He's 16 now and we've actually endured even worse.

I wouldn't change it but, equally, will never forget how hard it was.

I really, really feel for you. It is just so damn hard!

This sounds like a mid-life crisis. It's a real thing, not a joke. A person suddenly reaches a point where they become aware of their mortality (a parent dies for example, or they reach the same age that a parent died). grown-up life has lots of challenges, and they start to feel they are running out of time and need to a) revisit their youth - fast cars, new clothes, lose weight, get a tan, take up new risky hobbies, b) have a new relationship that makes them feel 'great' again.
They give their partners the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, and then bugger off. Except sometimes they don't - and will often return and "be nice", so that they can keep the old team in place.
OP you are doing exactly the right thing - you have to look after YOU. Don't do anything with him in mind. Keep the distance between you and only discuss the children, nothing else.
My sister went through all of this. She used a website called the herospouse - it's got a great forum, and lots of help for people in your position.