can you psychoanalyse this behaviour? what kind of personality is this?

[neonpink]

ExP has MH and related physical health issues. He's not around to parent that often owing to both (nor is responsible enough to do so even if he were well), so our kid lives with me. He's been driving me crazy for years. I'm interested to know what kind of personality others think this is...

1. delusions about his input and role e.g. as a parent (talks about himself as if he carries out a lot more than he does, seems to think it's 50/50 even though it's more like 97/3 on a practical level)
2. lying (not so much now but in the past, convoluted, strung out lies he blamed on his MH condition)
3. jekyll and hydey type personality, EA-wise. most of the time ok if things are on his terms (i.e. he's not asked to do anything or questioned on his behaviour or lack of help), but in the mornings extremely horrible to be around, grumpy, nasty, stomping, or if in an anxious state (e.g his OCD routines are interrupted), becomes EA in a similar nasty way. This is a daily occurrence.
4. stay up late (4am) getting up late (1pm) so can never be relied on with parenting
5. projection / gaslighting (in the past) to some extent when challenged about his issues (turning it around, saying I am crazy)
6. never asks any questions about my opinion on anything
7. loves to lecture as if he's an authority on pretty much everything (to be fair he talks pretty well and is reasonably knowledgeable about a lot of stuff but god does he drone on and on and on in a didactic manner)
8. actions and words never match up
9. massive sense of entitlement
10. can be supportive on an emotional level, but rarely, if ever, on a practical level. not much help given he's meant to be a parent.
11. withholding information
12. learned helplessness, pretending not to be capable, or too ill, to help with required tasks, but the lines are blurred between if he is too ill or anxious or just useless or can't be bothered
13. claims of being victimised / hen pecked, every time a complaint is made
14. denying his strops or behaviour is inappropriate
15. taking forever to do anything, hours compared to minutes to get ready to go to the shops, simple tasks can take hours and hours
16. Completely unreliable
17. crazy making in terms of being late. Every time, without fail, 1hr, 2hrs, 2.5hrs... never ever on time (unless there is a free meal in the mix)...
18. very poor self care
19. Hoarding
20. OCD about a lot of stuff eg. handwashing, not touching rubbish, checking doors are locked etc., taking an hour to tie his shoelaces
21. extremely tight (could be related to his status as not working, so he has little money, but crazy making tight)

Is this the behaviour of a narcissist? passive aggressive? BPD?

I'm confused, there are so many issues here, just interested to know what it might be??

He blames everything on his MH and physical health issues but I am sure it must be something more?

Just interested to see what others think. (And yes I am trying to cut down on contact even more than presently)

What attracted you to him?

Bloody hell, too many issues to call.

Not sure what you’d achieve by defining it. Might be better to just write him off as being incapable of parenting and looking after his dc.

all the issues appeared after I got PG (unplanned) not long into our relationship). he presented himself completely differently when I met him. Completely the opposite. It was a huge shock when he turned out to be the person he is!

All these behaviours only appeared when you got pregnant?? How long had you known him at that point?

Only if my husband has exactly the same condition - which is basically being an arsehole.

contraception failure after 5 months. no clue before then, apart from the taking ages to do anything...he hid it v well.

You didn't know him. He hasn't changed, you just didn't know him well enough.

Asking the Internet this stuff is problematic at best. There are so many markers there for various things, and once you have it in your head that someone fits the criteria for something, you make decisions based on that, and often it goes wrong.

I'd carry on staying away from them, and by the sounds of it, it seems like NC might be a good idea if possible.

He just sounds like a bit of a twat. I work in mental health btw.

Melania?

Whatever he had/has - my ex had it too. He was exactly as you describe. And yes it also appeared when I got pregnant. It seemed he couldn't cope with the responsibility and it turned him into a nasty controlling stranger i didn't recognise.

IJoinedJustToPostThis

In all seriousness though OP, sorry to hear you’ve had to put up with this, I totally agree with PP - he just sounds like a twat and you and your child would be better off as far away as possible from him. As awful as MH issues can be they are still not a pass to act like a bellend and get away with it are they!?

I agree - you just didn't know him yet and the pregnancy was a trigger.

This:
KhalliWali What attracted you to him?
is a really good question. Not one to beat yourself up with, just one to approach kindly with yourself or a therapist.

Just a twat with a dose of hyper inflated egotistical wank stain thrown in

He is what is known amongst the psychiatric community as A Dick. He may have MH difficulties, but they are separate to the fact that he is a dick.

A bit OCPD, a bit narcissistic and a lot of a twat?

Seriously, who the fuck cares? MH dx are variable anyway and a just a vague guide more than anything.

Why do you need a diagnosis?

How about selfish lazy arrogant misogynist liar?

After 5 months of dating you didn't know him at all. That's why people date for long periods before making commitments.

It is sadly common for it to surface only when you are tied by something like housing, finances or pregnancy. They relax, stop pretending to be nice and start being themselves.

Well thank god you're not with him

I would say he's just a plain simple cunt
And you need to get a structure in place, rather than running around for him and engaging with him

and if he doesn't stick to it he can go fuck himself. every time he doesn't turn up on time cancel, etc etc. He will either sort his shit out or he won't.
Keep a diary
he can take you to court if he wants to, he won't though

Sometimes an entitled deadbeat fuckwad is just that, there doesn’t need to be done big mental health excuse ..he’s an asshole.

It’s called twatty itus.

I hate how Mumsnet is so keen on armchair diagnosing people they know nothing about and then bandying about mental illnesses like insults. That being said, for once I agree with everything that’s been said here - he’s got fucking arsehole-itis.

There are quite a few traits common to antisocial personality disorder-lying, failure to take responsibility, self delusion, emotional manipulation, poor self control re emotional responses, failure to do things for themselves resulting in a parasitic dependence on others. But then you've mention a few other problems like OCD. There is a possibility they may be depressed rather than having a personality disorder (depression expresses itself in this way in some people, poor self care and late sleep in particular are signs of depression). At any rate there are a lot of problems it would seem.

I do not know about a clinical diagnosis of NPD but he reads like an abuser who hurried you into the relationship while he was still able to maintain the false persona.
You need to read Why Does He DO That, bu Lundy Bancroft. Your ex is in there.

This is describes my ex word for word! Also only started to appear after I fell pregnant after only 7 months. I totally understand the need to understand why someone is behaving like this. We divorced 2 years ago but our relationship regarding children/maintenance has totally broken down because I have finally put some boundaries in place. I'd love to known how to handle him better so we can work together for the children's sake. I can't tell what is a MH issue or health problem and what is him being a tool. In the end though I think having MH issues is not an excuse for poor behaviour. I have wasted so much of my life trying to help him and my new years resolution this year is to move on and put my needs first!