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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mum leaving teenager for days at a time

48 replies

hummusscot · 06/01/2018 21:57

This is kind of an AIBU but also a 'oh my god, what can I actually do here?'

My little sister turned 16 in August and since then my mother (who I am low contact with) has been leaving her for days at a time to look after herself, often with no food, money or emergency contact. Often if this happens my little sister lets me know because I'm only a mile away and let her stay. My DSis says that my mother has basically ignored her since she turned 16 and regularly tells her that she can look after herself- she clearly can't, she's very much a child and quite young for her age and also has no income.

The worst was when my mother left my DSis for three weeks to go to France two weeks after the new school term had started in September, at the start of my DSis' possibly most important school year. There was no emergency contact left, my mother had no signal (or had phone off) for the majority of the time and left £20. Luckily DSis told me and stayed here for I think about 2.5 weeks. When DSis got here, she was covered in flea bites from the dogs (which had also went on holiday) and when I went to the house with her to pick up some more things the house was an unhygienic tip- I hadn't been there since I left at aged 16 and even judging by my mother's standards I was shocked.

I'm posting today because my DSis has just informed me that my mother left her for three days with no food in the fridge, no money and one of the dogs. My mother got back last week and DSis asked if she would buy her food and my mother screamed at her and told her to be self sufficient and make/buy something herself. I'm sick and tired of watching my DSis get hurt like this and it's getting worse as the months go by.

Realistically, what can I do here? DSis needs emotional support and love and care, she is in her most important exam year and is also still a child! But my mother isn't giving her that anymore. I've said DSis can move here but she's not ready to leave yet. DSis counts as an adult, I think (we're in Scotland) so I don't know if phoning any of the helplines would be a good idea or not. I feel helpless and angry at myself for not looking after her better. Any suggestions welcome.

(It's probably important to mention, so that I don't dripfeed later on, that I left the minute I turned 16 because she physically and emotionally abused me and stopped feeding me when I was 12. However my DSis was the 'favourite' so to speak and other than watching abuse happen, had never been directly involved- I actually partially left so that she didn't have to see it anymore.)

OP posts:
hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:00

(the incident that happened today happened in the last four days, my mother got back yesterday, that was a typo!)

OP posts:
Cheekyandfreaky · 06/01/2018 22:03

This is awful, I would say contact SS but I just want to say you sound like a lovely big sister and if you can have sister live with you it might be for the best.

hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:04

@cheekyandfreaky DSis is already 16 though, will SS do anything? And thank you. I think it would be for the best too but she's not ready to leave by choice and I can't force her :(

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Cuckooclocks · 06/01/2018 22:06

Your sister is incredibly lucky to have you. Could you maybe have her stay with you on a temporary basis that then can just kinda merge to being more permanent? You are an amazing sister to her!

Cuckooclocks · 06/01/2018 22:07

To elaborate, maybe have her come over for tea every night and at the weekends to get her washing done. Can u send her home with frozens so she at least has food in the fridge? Can u fund her with some cash?

Cheekyandfreaky · 06/01/2018 22:08

I’m not sure actually, in England they would be picked by SS or the transitions team between children’s and adults social care but I don’t know about in Scotland, sorry. Anyone else?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/01/2018 22:08

Hmm I was going to say that at 16, it's fine to leave a teen for a few days, but the frequency here and the fact that she is left with no food, money or anyone to check on her from time to time, sounds cruel. I left DS17 for a week in October while DH and I went away, but we did an Ocado shop to arrive while we were away, we gave him £100, and he stayed at his grandparents for a couple of days with the agreement that he could stay any time there if he felt lonely or bored. No real advice, but it sounds like you are a lovely sister to her.

NoStraightEdges · 06/01/2018 22:11

Thank god she has you.

I think all you can do is have food and a bit of cash available for her at all times and maybe set her up a desk so she can study in peace, get a square meal and have some space away from that toxic environment. And just keep telling her how she's welcome anytime and can always shower/stay over/eat/study at yours.

Flowers
VivaLeBeaver · 06/01/2018 22:11

Can you talk to her school? See what they can suggest. They ought to know what’s happening.

Notreallyarsed · 06/01/2018 22:13

In Scotland the care system covers until 21, SS could help, even if it’s just to help her move to you smoothly. I’m glad she has you, you sound like a lovely sister.

marywasneeavirgin · 06/01/2018 22:13

Contact school
Contact social services
Your sister needs support and is a vulnerable child at 16.

NC4now · 06/01/2018 22:13

This sounds very uncaring. I think you should call Ss for advice. Surely with her still being at school she’s entitled to some support.
Actually, School will know. Maybe ask to have a chat with her head of year.
You sound like a lovely sister.

hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:15

@Cuckooclocks I like the idea of inviting her round more. I do try at the moment but it's often rejected which makes it difficult. Will note the laundry suggestion and I'm going to start putting money aside for when this happens again so that she can eat at least. Although 9/10 she ends up staying at my house anyway and I cook for her when she's here.

@Cheekyandfreaky I assumed that SS wouldn't do anything because when I ran away at 16 they wouldn't pick up my case because it was opening after I stopped being a minor and this was only a few years ago but maybe it's different as DSis is living at the family home but I can't find the info online anywhere

@AndNone See, if my mum did that (and looked after her adequately when she was actually around!) it wouldn't be a problem. And if it happened less, too. Ugh.

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CandyCaneCaz · 06/01/2018 22:16

School might be an option. Her Named Person will be likely to speak to the Child Protection Officer within her school and they may move on this. First call would probably be to the local Social Work team. A referral may also be made to the Children's Reporter. You could also contact Social Work for advice.

hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:20

Hmmmm. Talking to the school is a good idea, thank you. Her pastoral care teacher was my pastoral care teacher and I'm sure she hasn't forgotten me, and she is very good at her job. I'll try and get through to her on Monday.

Setting up somewhere to study is also a really good idea.

Will SS consent to having her stay here permanently? I'm only in a one bedroom at the moment, when DSis stays she has the living room to herself but not sure if SS would see that as enough. DP and I are moving into a bigger place once our lease is up in November though and in our area it's not much more for an extra bedroom and we could definetely afford it.

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hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:21

@CandyCaneCaz I have no idea who her named person is or I'd tell them about this too. Any way of finding this out? Would DSis know?

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Mxyzptlk · 06/01/2018 22:23

just keep telling her how she's welcome anytime and can always shower/stay over/eat/study at yours.

^ this

In Scotland, 16 year olds can marry without parental consent and, obviously, can live away from their parents then.
So there's no problem with DSis being left on her own.
The lack of food and money, as well as the general chaotic situation, is a worry, tho.
There can't be any harm in phoning helplines to ask if they can help in any way.

hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:24

@Mxyzptlk Yeah, it's the added stuff that makes this a horrible situation. :(

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serene12 · 06/01/2018 22:27

This is definitely a case of lack of parental care, you can report your concerns to your sister's school, they have a duty of care to promote a child/young person's emotional wellbeing and safeguard their welfare. They should then flag up concerns to Social Services or you can directly report to Social Services.
Also your sister can ring Childline,she is still a child as she's under eighteen
I hope this helps, I'm in Scotland and schools are sadly used to these issues

Yogagirl123 · 06/01/2018 22:28

Highly irresponsible parenting, It’s great that you are a caring sister, but your little sis shouldn’t be in this situation at all. If things were so bad that you left at 16, were SS involved and if so, why is your little sister still with your mum? She is a vulnerable child and should feel safe. Can you speak to the well-being team at her school/college. I am sure they will help. If she is left again ring the police. Good luck, you must be worried sick. Flowers

hummusscot · 06/01/2018 22:30

@Yogagirl123 I ran away at 16 and self referred to a homeless hostel. They tried to get SS involved with me but SS said that as I wasn't referred as a minor, they wouldn't take my case on so none of my family have had SS involvement in the past. I've actually rung the police before and they left it hours, booted down my DSis' door when she was home alone at around 12am, told me she was safe (even though they terrified her!) and that I was wasting police time because she's 16 so I really don't want to do that again.

OP posts:
chocolateworshipper · 06/01/2018 22:37

You sound like an amazing big sister. I don't know if things are the same in Scotland, but if you were in England I would say phone her school and ask to speak to the person in charge of safeguarding. The school could then refer it on to children's services. Best of luck to you both x

aloamora · 06/01/2018 22:38

Without wanting to sound cold, the emotional damage to your sister is done whether or not your mother is physically there or not now. At 16 she is old enough to stay in the house by herself, and you can't force your mother to emotionally support her. (I know it's more than that with food etc ) That ship has sailed and I'm sure she thinks she is doing no wrong. And at 16 she will be well aware how your mother feels about her, poor girl. I doubt ss will be want to do much because you are able to support her. Though it is worth mentioning to her school as if will obviously be affecting her.

You say she has no emergency contact, but she has you and you are only a mile away. If your only a mile away I assume she can attend the same school whilst staying at your house? I would think you should continue to support her and offer her a place to stay whenever she wants but especially encourage her to stay with you whenever your mother is away. That might work if moving out feels to big a deal for her.

CandyCaneCaz · 06/01/2018 22:40

Her Named Person is most likely to be her guidance/pastoral care teacher. They are a good point of contact because they deal with these kinds of issues every day

scoobydooagain · 06/01/2018 22:42

Can you speak to your mother? More about how her behaviour will affect your dsis's and her future relationship. My dm used to leave me every Fri morn - Monday lunch when I was 15/16, severely affected my opinion of her and sadly when she became ill and later died, I didn't mourn her really, I actually was much more upset when my dog died, do you think you'll mum would be OK with that