Mum leaving teenager for days at a time

[hummusscot]

This is kind of an AIBU but also a 'oh my god, what can I actually do here?'

My little sister turned 16 in August and since then my mother (who I am low contact with) has been leaving her for days at a time to look after herself, often with no food, money or emergency contact. Often if this happens my little sister lets me know because I'm only a mile away and let her stay. My DSis says that my mother has basically ignored her since she turned 16 and regularly tells her that she can look after herself- she clearly can't, she's very much a child and quite young for her age and also has no income.

The worst was when my mother left my DSis for three weeks to go to France two weeks after the new school term had started in September, at the start of my DSis' possibly most important school year. There was no emergency contact left, my mother had no signal (or had phone off) for the majority of the time and left £20. Luckily DSis told me and stayed here for I think about 2.5 weeks. When DSis got here, she was covered in flea bites from the dogs (which had also went on holiday) and when I went to the house with her to pick up some more things the house was an unhygienic tip- I hadn't been there since I left at aged 16 and even judging by my mother's standards I was shocked.

I'm posting today because my DSis has just informed me that my mother left her for three days with no food in the fridge, no money and one of the dogs. My mother got back last week and DSis asked if she would buy her food and my mother screamed at her and told her to be self sufficient and make/buy something herself. I'm sick and tired of watching my DSis get hurt like this and it's getting worse as the months go by.

Realistically, what can I do here? DSis needs emotional support and love and care, she is in her most important exam year and is also still a child! But my mother isn't giving her that anymore. I've said DSis can move here but she's not ready to leave yet. DSis counts as an adult, I think (we're in Scotland) so I don't know if phoning any of the helplines would be a good idea or not. I feel helpless and angry at myself for not looking after her better. Any suggestions welcome.

(It's probably important to mention, so that I don't dripfeed later on, that I left the minute I turned 16 because she physically and emotionally abused me and stopped feeding me when I was 12. However my DSis was the 'favourite' so to speak and other than watching abuse happen, had never been directly involved- I actually partially left so that she didn't have to see it anymore.)

Your a good sister. Does your sister want to love with you? If she does i don't think ss would object. Making your home available to her sounds lovely.

@alomora True that the emotional damage is there, although I wish it wasn't. And yeah I'm walking distance from school. Re emergency contact thing: my mother loathes me and wouldn't consider me an emergency contact and I'm actually not sure if she knows that DSis stays here when she's away.

@CandyCaneCaz Oh that makes everything easier, thanks for letting me know. Her pastoral care teacher is wonderful.

@scoobydooagain I absolutely can't speak to my mother about this, we're only in contact when my grandmother is in the city. She definetely won't listen to me. I'm really sorry about what you went through. It's rough.

@Hellywelly10 It's complicated, I think part of her does but she loves her mother despite all this and after she's finished venting she will defend her again, I think she's scared of leaving more than anything else. She knows she has a home ready for her here though.

Hummus, sorry I hope my comment didn't come across as cold. I wasn't trying to justify your mother's behaviour with emergency contact detail, more to reassure you she is safe as she has you.

What a worry for you. She's under 18 and still a child. You could contact social care and report this - this is neglect and given what you have experienced also it seems clear this is a pattern.

Social care are likely to ask how you can help. You sound like an amazing big sister. If you left as soon as you could, is it likely your little sis feels the same and is dying to get out? It's unlikely to improve with your mum. Do for her what you did for yourself and get her out, keep her with you if you can. Help her finish school and get into adulthood without the anxiety of this. I really feel for you both. Good luck

if she came to live with you , you would get help as in child tax credit you would also be able to get her child benefit

My parents did this when I was a teenager, from a younger age to older... I think helping her out would be a good idea, giving her company, inviting her to yours, can you cook and freeze her dinner? The physical loneliness wasn’t the worst thing, but it was a mental loneliness that really ate away at me back then. Funnily enough i now struggle to be around people, and when I started my family I really struggled to have people around me in my home... but now things are better .

@alomora It didn't, don't worry! I just wanted to explain further re emergency contact stuff :)

Didn't realise that @suzy2b, would it be transferred due to her still being in school?

@BigBaboonMum Yup, my mum did the same to me for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's rubbish and so unfair :(

If she did come and live you and you got her child benefit tax credits.
You are only allowed to claim for child benefit twice and this would count as one of your 2 times

You sound like a wonderful, caring sister. It'll be good for everybody if there is a social work assessment, followed by a report and a care plan. Social work will be able to help with emotional, housing,financial etc support. Also, your mum also must have issues and they can signpost her to agencies for help, if she chooses to engage.
Social work will take into account your sister's views, if the decision is made that the best placement for your sister is to reside with you you, then she becomes a looked after child, which is positive as Social Work have to offer support until she's in her twenties.

Also is she getting EMA? She might be entitled, it’s £30 paid directly to her, to help her with costs to help her to stay in education, it’s means tested.
Ask school to provide the forms.

@serene12 Interesting re them trying to get my mother help, she hasn't seen a doctor in years and has refused all healthcare including physical in the last 20 or so years. So that would be interesting to see!

@Invisimamma she would be if she went to school enough but her attendance is at 70% I think so she's not entitled to it

I am not sure where you stand either due to your sisters age. But speaking from personal experience (I am based in Scotland too) Parentline which is a Scottish charity may be able to help or tell you where to look for help. It's a freephone number but they also do web chats via their website if that's easier. If you google Parentline Scotland you should be directed to their web page with all the contact details.

You're an amazing sister. I'm sure she appreciates all you do.

Could you send her home with a few batch meals for the freezer?

16 is so vulnerable.

This sounds very confusing and damaging for your sister, as she was previously held in high esteem and well cared for by your mum.

You are a wonderful sister.

It's so lovely that after being abused and neglected by your mum, that you have been able to not only start again, but have a happy life with your partner.
Your little sister must feel great sadness at your mother's heartless rejection of her basic needs.

I am thinking your sister may be staying as she may subconsciously be seeking to regain your mum's love and care, that she once had as a child. It would be confusing and sad to accept your mum no longer cares. Agree with others, to seek school support, pastoral care. It is great u are contacting school pastoral care. Even if there are different staff, you can fully explain both yours & sister's situation. If your sister can access counselling, she may make sense of how she feels and next steps

How awful but thank goodness she has you. Good luck with the contacts.

if she moved in with you permanently you would have to apply for the money childtax credit and family allowance is payed up to 19 when in full time education

What a truly horrible woman. The going away is no big deal at 16 but the leaving no food or money and not having phone and checking in every day is a huge deal!!

Hi, you mentioned that your sister''s school attendance is only 70%, I'm surprised that the school has not already made a referral to the Childrens Reporter or to social services, as there are usually underlying issues, then social work can work with the family. Often we find a young persons school attendance improves if they reside away from home, boosting their self esteem, attainment etc

@midsummabreak Thank you. It took a great deal of effort, two hospitalisations and very intense psychotherapy but I did it! :) I'm really proud of myself- and I hope that my little sister won't have to go through the same recovery process when she leaves. I think you've hit the nail on the head with the trying to get my mum's love again- the change was overnight really, the minute DSis was 'legal' age my mum just.... stopped.

@serene12 I've been thinking about this too and I don't understand it either, I was at the same school less than a decade ago, my attendance got to 80% and it was reported and although SS didn't pick it up because I wouldn't tell them about the abuse, I did end up at CAMHS. So I'm not sure (and a little annoyed) that it hasn't been picked up.

Thanks everyone. I actually visited the family home yesterday and everything seemed okay-ish. I'm going to speak to my DSis about telling pastoral care herself and if she doesn't I'm going to phone in tomorrow.

How did the chat go with dsis?

What a heartbreaking time you went through as a child Sending you best wishes with everything