How would this make you feel?

[duskmum]

I've been on a few dates with a guy i know. I've known him for 5 years, we used to study together and worked at the same company but different offices. We have spoken on and off over these 5 years. Anyway recently we finally got around to dating. Last night we had a dateI and we had a nice time. Chatting non stop. Anyway towards the end he dropped a bombshell that his mum went to prison for 15 years for murder. Something about an abusive relationship and then she killed her bf. This happened when he was younger and then he moved to where we live at that age with his dad. I was gobsmacked and didn't really know what to say.

I was in a refuge last year and came out of an emotionally/financially abusive relationship so something in me felt uncomfortable. Obviously he doesn't know this. Maybe im being oversensitive because of my relationship, but now i feel abit uncomfortable. I think was he damaged by this? Will he, himself be abusive after what he had witnessed.
Am i being to sensitive??

Depends how well adjusted he is. Only time will tell. Just be aware of red flags and take things slowly.

Yea i guess i need to get to know him better and look out for red flags, this had just made me a bit more sensitive i think

Am i being to sensitive??

I think you're jumping to conclusions and there's as much chance of you damaging him due to your past as there is of him damaging you because of his.

You're probably not what each other needs right now.

What is he like though? His mum’s actions don’t reflect on him.

He seems nice. He was quite shy at college but seemed really outgoing on our dates now. So he's obviously come out of his shell. I don't know I think I need to get to know him more

What are your concerns? That he may become abusive? I don't think it's fair to judge him on something his mum did years ago.

If you like him then get to know him more. Not being funny but sometimes women who come out of abusive relationships have a self-destruct button when it comes to good men & seem to find any excuse to drop them. In this case you have found it in his mum. If you think he’s nice then take things slow, get to know him, and then decide.

I think you are jumping to conclusions. He sounds honest and so far has shown himself to be a good guy. Proceed with a normal amount of caution. I hope it works out for you both.

curtain yes that's my concern. I know I can't blame him for his mums actions. What I worry about is that he must have witnessed the abuse that his mum went through and therefore he may turn out this way.

raving I agree. I find I've been more sensitive and had my guard up big time. This may be the case here. Or maybe I'm just being oversensitive. Just feeling worried though.

But it could also be true that having witnessed his mum being abused, he would be very clear that that's an abhorrent way to behave to a partner. The cycle of abuse doesn't apply to everyone.

Do you not think that he might have told you because a) he trusts you, and/or b) so that you hear it from him rather than finding out some other way and then wondering why he'd kept it from you?

buttery yes could be true that could be the way he views things. In the 5 years I've known him I've never known him to have a girlfriend either. Maybe he's just as wary as me!

He told me then I think by the look on my face he said oh I thought you knew, assuming someone at work/study may have told me. I just said oh no I didn't know. He said oh sorry to just drop that on you.

His mum wasn't abusive though?

She was a DV victim (who presumably snapped one day)

Or am I getting this wrong?

Oh gosh. I think I have read it all wrong. His mum was the abuser wasn't she????

@Crunchymum I read it that way too (that she was the abused, and snapped one day/self defence)

Oh gosh. I think I have read it all wrong. His mum was the abuser wasn't she????

I dont think so if what the Op has said is anything to go by.

Something about an abusive relationship and then she killed her bf

I read it she was abused and snapped
But I guess I just presumed that.

I think your reaction is strange. What if you told him about your past and he’s hesitating because he wonders if you’re “damaged”? How would that make you feel?

I think anyone would be taken aback by that information.

Can you Google it to find out more information for yourself.

No she was the victim of DV and snapped and killed her bf. So he would have witnessed his mums bf being violent towards her.

just strange? really? like i said i think from my experiences with relationships and now i have a DS too i just want to be careful.
He may view me in that way but i have no plans on telling him about that part of my past until later in the future if we get along.

Oh god i just found an article about it in the daily mail. Sounds awful! She just went to his house with a knife and stabbed him because she wanted the torment to stop!

Presumably, if it's reported in the DM, this will be the prosecution story (that was believed, hence her being found guilty). Her defence/her side of the story may be quite different.
Desperate people do desperate things. Or, on the other hand she might be very unstable. I'm guessing she's out of prison now?

How old was he when it happened? Did he have counselling? Was the remainder of his upbringing with his dad trauma free? Those are the things I'd be thinking about.

Congratulations on getting away from an abuser and starting your life over!

It sounds like you are concerned that he could turn out to be abusive, and that you want to give yourself the very best chance of being in a healthy relationship. I suggest reading the book "Should I Stay" by Bancroft (the same guy who wrote "why does he do that"). "Should I Stay" is meant to be read by a woman in an iffy relationship who is trying to work out if it bad enough to leave, or if there is hope of it getting better. Even though that isn't your exact situation, this book has a WEALTH of information about how healthy relationships work, and how to work towards a healthy relationship. I really think it's perfect for you. Here's an amazon link ShouldIStay

I think it would be foolish to dump a person based on something they witnessed, something their parent experienced, something their parent did, etc. (My father is a psychopath and my childhood was a nightmare, but I'm a lovely person.)

Instead, learning how to have a healthy relationship and how to work things out with another person is something that you will have to do with anyone in order to have the kind of partnership you want. Breaking up with him doesn't get you out of this work, you'll have to do it with the next person.

Another book I suggest for general relationship stuff is "Non Violent Communication" by Rosenberg. This is an amazing little book about how to respond to what other people say in ways they let them feel heard and understood, and how to express your own feelings and needs in ways that are easiest for other people to hear rather than feeling defensive. These were skills that my screwed up childhood did not teach me, and that I needed to learn to have healthy relationships. I think this book has value for most people, but for those of us with traumatic past, it really can shed a light on how to interact in healthy, helpful ways. Here's a link:
NonViolentCommunication

I wish you well. It sounds like you have been through a great deal. Peace be the journey

I realized I never answered your question, "How would this make you feel?"

My response to his story is colored by the fact that I used to teach students with struggles, and some of my students had a parent (or both parents) in prison. It is very tough for a child to have a parent in prison, even more so when it is their mother. I've worked with children as young as 5 and as old at 14 who have an incarcerated parent. I've seen how it affected their school work and friendships. I've seen their shame and confusion, seen them moved from home to home. My response is one of compassion for what he has been through.

curtain yes two sides to every story. Yes shes out now think shes been out a few years now.
He said he was 11 . Not sure about counselling or anything, he only told me last night and i dont know him well enough yet.

Hip thanks for the reading suggestions. Yes i've read 'why does he do that' was a good read and i found myself nodding through alot of it. Yes god knows how he felt bless him. Must have been hard. He grew up with a family here though eg step mum, step sisters his dad and brother.

Im feeling really uneasy about this thread and so are plenty of others judging by the lack of response to it.