How would this make you feel?

[duskmum]

I've been on a few dates with a guy i know. I've known him for 5 years, we used to study together and worked at the same company but different offices. We have spoken on and off over these 5 years. Anyway recently we finally got around to dating. Last night we had a dateI and we had a nice time. Chatting non stop. Anyway towards the end he dropped a bombshell that his mum went to prison for 15 years for murder. Something about an abusive relationship and then she killed her bf. This happened when he was younger and then he moved to where we live at that age with his dad. I was gobsmacked and didn't really know what to say.

I was in a refuge last year and came out of an emotionally/financially abusive relationship so something in me felt uncomfortable. Obviously he doesn't know this. Maybe im being oversensitive because of my relationship, but now i feel abit uncomfortable. I think was he damaged by this? Will he, himself be abusive after what he had witnessed.
Am i being to sensitive??

What Do you mean uneasy?

How is me asking how you would feel being told that making you feel uneasy fionne. I'm just getting advise and asking if im being oversensitive because of my past or i am being sensitive for good reason

Fionne am I being dense-what are you talking about?

Worried. Being brought up in a violent home, can result tragically in violent behaviour often from male children. However, many are the opposite and are very gentle and loving partners. A friend of mine has a partner with a violent childhood who seemed lovely until she got unexpectedly pregnant and now they have a baby, he just can't cope with the pressure and is losing his temper, being verbally abusive, storming off most days and leaving her. She said she would not have stayed with him if she had known this side of him. People don't always see how damaged a person is until they are put under pressure.

I don't think it's wise to presume how other people here feel Fionne. Life isn't all sunshine and puppies, if difficult topics are too much for some then there's a reason you have options like a back button or closing a tab.

To the OP, I'm not sure how I'd react to that situation personally, but someone did once give me the wise advice that when you marry someone you marry their family too for better or worse and that's something you shoukd keep in mind in even a new relationship because you never know where things may lead later.

I think he sounds like a very honest Guy.. you've been talking to him for 5 years .... and he's been nothing but honest....

and you instantly Judge him..

he deserves someone much better than you OP

I don't think it is helpful to insult people who ask questions. I think it is normal, may be even healthy, for a woman who has been a victim of domestic violence to have her guard up when dating, and to question if something might make a man more likely to be abusive in the future. I think that for ANY woman to need to sort through what is a flag and what isn't a flag is normal, and should be part of what this form is helpful for.

I think it is sad when responses are put downs. I question why, on a support board frequented by women who either are in verbally abusive relationship, or have been in the past, responses like @Gemini69 "he deserves someone much better than you" show up at all. Why do you insult other women? How do you think that is helpful to them? Do you speak to people you see in real life like this?

gemini im not judging! im trying to find out if he is likely to become an abuser from what he has been through. I think its wise to think this way for myself and especially my DS. Hes my world and i would never want him to go through that. So sorry if im putting myself and my DS first!

Thanks hip. I feel like im being judged here but from what i've been through i feel its good to be cautious. Especially if there is an increased risk of that person being an abuser themselves. Which statistics show there is, if a child has witnessed abuse. Let alone going through the grief of being away from your mother for 11 years!

You've known him 5 years already how long do you anticipate in testing him before grading him acceptable ... I think you should leave him to find someone who will GENUINELY care about Him... and not his Mothers crime..

YES your being very very very overly sensitive.....

gemini i've spoken to him on and off for 5 years casually. I havent got to know the guy properly in those 5 years! This is the first time he mentioned his mother! Who are you to judge me?? Have you been in an abusive relationship ever?? Because i think if you have you would avoid being in another at all costs.
I think you'll find you are the one being judgmental!

AND Your Judging Him

He has opened up to you.. because he quite obviously felt he could share something very personal.. very very personal.. I think you should take you time... and don't give him any hope... until you are free from your own experiences... in your past

and Yes.. I'm judgmental.. everyone on here is.. it's what makes Mumsnet work....

Sorry you didnt answer my question, have you been in an abusive relationship?

He said he thought i knew, so assumed someone at work/study had told me. I asked why he moved up here and then thats when he told me. My question was how would it make you feel, i'm getting to know the guy so its not like im casting him aside just because of what hes told me.

I would just give him the benefit of the doubt. If you've been in an abusive relationship then take extra care of the signs.

I don't believe that people turn into abusers over night, they were always that way, we just got lost in the fog

So if you're fully aware then you'll be ok,

I always think seeing people in uncomfortable situations shows their real side,
It's almost worth putting someone in a stressful situation to see how they react!!!

Go on a long drive and run out of petrol! Etc.
Bit mad, but you see the raw person then.

I''m getting to know the guy so its not like im casting him aside just because of what hes told me

and that's the right thing to do... take your time

Go on a long drive and run out of petrol! Etc.
Bit mad, but you see the raw person then

One of my friends swears by going on a long canoe trip together. She feels there is something about being stuck in a canoe together in the middle of no where with random things happening that brings out the worst in someone, and it's best to be aware of what the worst is before getting too attached.

(There's a whole story about how she came to that conclusion )

HipNewName
That sounds like a great idea! Though I am intrigued now!

I wouldn’t assume that growing up in an abusive relationship might make someone more likely to become an abuser, so from that perspective it wouldn’t be something which impacted on my view of the bloke. However, I also wouldn’t assume that a woman who did fifteen years for murder was a victim especially as it appears that it was a pre-meditated crime with presumably no mitigating circumstances as she served fifteen years and the conviction was murder not manslaughter.

From that perspective I would be extremely reluctant to enter into a relationship with the man if he still had a close relationship with his mother, given that said mother would become biological family to any children we might have together.

As you’ve been in a refuge previously I am wondering whether you are in fact looking at this from all angles and not just the ones which make you afraid to become involved with a man who could be an abuser in future. The fact here is that his mother is a murderer, and she to represents a cycle where people, both men and women, do fall victim to their partners. You will have met women in a situation where they have possibly been victims of abusive men to the point that they too could have lost their lives at the hands of their partners. And because the victim here is dead, there is no way of knowing whose account is correct. But the hard evidence is that a woman went round to the house of her partner and stabbed him to death, and was sentenced to that extent with no mitigation. And there are women who abuse their partners and who kill them. And there is no real way of knowing which she is. Whether abused partner who snapped, although tbh there were still no justifications for killing a man in cold blood, or whether she was actualy the abuser in this scenario.

I would tread very carefully. You’re absolutely not wrong for having concerns.

He must have trusted you to tell you, even if your relationship doesn't go the full way make sure that he knows you're his friend if he needs to chat.

Tbh I wouldn't take that as monkey see monkey do, I'd take that as he's completely against domestic violence. Xx

HipNewName - I like your advice and I too will look out those books you recommended. I'm not sure of canoe trip!!! I wouldn't want to test someone's stress levels in water - it's a dangerous place if you see what I mean - I can't swim either!!!
Dusk mum - you need to continue to proceed with caution - it's the right path given your history and his mothers murder conviction. As you said you may have know him for 5 years on and off but having a closer relationship with him will highlight areas you may or may not have concerns about. By talking to him about this you may see how he was/is affected by this. Did he have counselling/ how old was he when it happened/ where's his own Dad and does he see him/ does he see his mother? Don't answer these questions here -just some information gathering for yourself.
We don't know if someone can be abusive do we - but watch out for those red flags. He could be a really nice guy but having a history like his would have affected him in some ways. I wish you well.

hunting and hip sounds like good ideas to put someone under stress to see how they react. Although not sure about the canoe! I hate water and not a great place to get stressed!

chaos yea i see what you're saying. From the article i read it mentioned numerous attempts at suicide. I feel if you were going to do it you would. So therefore seems more for attention. It said she was sectioned under the mental health act too. And like you said if it was in self defence she would have got manslaughter, but it was pre meditated and she appealed and it was denied. So yes she sounds a bit unstable. I feel really sorry for him that this hangs over him because obviously he wasn't responsible for his mums actions.
I'm not sure if they are close, she lives about 4 hours away from here. I know he saw her at christmas though and visited her in prison

Yes i guess so lexie he did say it very matter of fact though, like he has told people before. So maybe he thought it was best just getting that out there.

Thanks mary

Just to update me and this guy are going on a 2nd date and get on really well :) I can't judge the actions of his mother on him

I hope your date goes well! Good luck!

Glad you're giving him a chance.