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Original poster

My best friend slept with my ex husband

34 replies

Swishy17 · 06/01/2018 11:06

My best friend of 10 years has confessed that around a year ago she slept with my ex husband (who is her husbands best friend) a few times. Although I’m not bothered by it. I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel or what I’m supposed to think about it.
We split up around 5 years ago and we’ve both moved on and get on well now. But part of me wishes she didn’t tell me at all as it was over a year ago, am I being sensitive or is it normal to feel a little betrayed? I think I’m in shock a bit as I really didn’t see it coming. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined as I know she is struggling with life and having a difficult time and I really don’t want to make a fuss about it I guess I’m just trying to see what everyone’s thoughts are on it and if you were me would you just forget about it?

OP posts:
trojanpony · 06/01/2018 11:09

Totally normally to feel conflicted. She’s put you in a pretty crappy position to be honest.

What your the circumstances of the break up with your ex?

Viviennemary · 06/01/2018 11:11

I wouldn't like this at all. And in a way it would have been better if she hadn't told you. The best thing would probably be to forget about it but I don't think I could. It was wrong of her. If she feels guilty then I suppose I can see why she told you. No I don't think I could move on from this even if I wanted to. But I wouldn't deliberately completely drop her or anything like that. But I don't think I could feel the same about the friendship. Hope things work out.

Theimpossiblegirl · 06/01/2018 11:11

It would effect my friendship even if I felt I wasn't too bothered. Friends just shouldn't go there. I'd have trouble getting over it, others may be less bothered.
I would tell her you are a bit shocked and upset but if you feel you can move on, you don't have to lose a friendship over it.

INeedToEat · 06/01/2018 11:12

Is she still with her husband? That in its self is a shitty position to put you in.

I'd be hurt by this. Not towards my ex but towards the friend. What kind of friend does something like that.

Angelf1sh · 06/01/2018 11:12

I wouldn’t be ok with it. I know it would be unreasonable of me, but I’d never be ok with a friend dating/hooking up with an ex of mine. Particularly one that was as close as a husband at one point.

trojanpony · 06/01/2018 11:13

Some people might be fine with this but even if things ended amiably with the ex I wouldn’t be okay with this and I think your friend has behaved pretty horribly.

she’s told you after the event to dump the guilt on you. Now she’s told you her conscience is clear / she can reconcile this in her head and the burden is now firmly on you...and as it’s “all in the past” you should be “fine” with it.

Original poster
Swishy17 · 06/01/2018 11:15

It was difficult because he wasn’t very nice to me when we broke up and didn’t really do as much as he could to see our child. But we get on well now which is nice. I feel this has just been dumped on me and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it if that makes sense!

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 06/01/2018 11:16

You're right to feel funny about it, I would be very conflicted. The questions I'd be asking her/myself would be: Why would she want to sleep with my ex, how long has she been sleeping with him? Why is she cheating...How many times has she cheated? You now have to lie to her husband each time you see him because you know her secret.

And also potentially - is she using your name to cover her tracks when she's cheating on her husband??

All these things would trouble me and I'd definitely put some space between you until you've figured out where you stand.

Original poster
Swishy17 · 06/01/2018 11:23

The thing is she isn’t a bad person, she’s a lovely person although this post might not demonstrate it. Emotionally and mentally she is having a really hard time and I think she did it to get back at her own husband who he himself is not going to win any awards for being faithful!

I think I’m just in shock I’ve told her to go to therapy but what else can I do? Is it to early to open a bottle of wine? I’m seeing her later so do I just not mention it?

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 06/01/2018 11:26

I do think it’s odd. Of all the men she could have had sex with it was your ex husband, and then she felt the need to tell you?

INeedToEat · 06/01/2018 11:27

Do what ever it is you want to do to move past this. She lost the right to have her feelings considered.

CarysMa · 06/01/2018 11:31

Wow, conflicted would not be the word.
Did your x cause you a lot of pain which you confided in to her?

MY own x caused me so much pain that if a friend slept with him I'd think she was nuts but I'd also feel that she hadn't believed me that he was capable of being extremely cruel etc...

GrooovyLass · 06/01/2018 11:35

This is a major no no - sisters before misters and all that. I'd be distancing myself from her.

londonista · 06/01/2018 11:36

Why would she think you'd want to know that? She wasn't thinking about you OP, only about alleviating her own bad feelings.

lunar1 · 06/01/2018 11:36

It's a betrayal, she was your friend when you were married, she was there through the divorce. It's the unwritten rule of things you don't do to friends.

You feel how you feel about it and it's not your responsibility to make her actions ok.

wednesdayswench · 06/01/2018 11:37

If I were you I would need some time away from her to process my emotions. Just take a few weeks break from seeing or speaking to her, it will do you the world of good.

She may have her own problems, but chose to do this anyway (risking your friendship in the process) it sounds like she really needs a good friend, but didn't value your friendship enough to keep her knickers on at the time.

trojanpony · 06/01/2018 11:44

You are seeing her today???? Shock

I’d really consider cancelling

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/01/2018 11:53

She wouldn't be my friend anymore OP, friends don't do this, they don't sleep with your ex's. Not ever. I wouldn't see her today or again.

There are some women who do and perhaps get some perverse pleasure out of it though.

Original poster
Swishy17 · 06/01/2018 12:10

It’s just weird isn’t it? I’m still getting my head around it! It’s not something I would do to a friend but I don’t think she did it to upset me or even if that thought came across her mind. I think it was more to have one up on her husband as bizarre as this all is!!!

OP posts:
londonista · 06/01/2018 12:13

You're very generous in your assessment Swishy. You're too good for her, even without this!

Angelf1sh · 06/01/2018 12:17

I expect you’re right Swishy, I doubt she was thinking about you at the time but she must have been thinking about you when she told you. That’s the second thing she did wrong- what was to be gained by telling you?

CarysMa · 06/01/2018 12:21

Is there any chance this is her way of 'gently' warning you that she and your x might be getting together (if she leaves her bad marriage). Instead of springing that on you, she is giving you this info first, to prepare you?

Otherwise WHY tell you!? unless she fears your x will tell you. In which case it must be obvious to her too that he was not worth it.

Couldashouldawoulda · 06/01/2018 12:26

I think you need to ditch her as well as him!

MorningCuppa · 06/01/2018 12:27

No friends don’t do this sort of thing, even if she was trying to get one up on her own husband, she knew he was your ex husband and she was meant to be your friend, you just don’t go there, also ask yourself, why has she decided to tell you this now?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/01/2018 12:32

Thing is, Swishy, it's already in your mind and I think the rightful validation that you're getting here is going to be the metaphorical 'swallowing the Red pill'. There won't really be any going back from this because you can't 'un-know' this and your 'friend' behaved in a way that doesn't accord with you (and many of us too).

Take your time in processing and then decide what you'll do. Thanks