Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mr unavailable and miss foolish

49 replies

Wrenlakehouse · 06/01/2018 00:43

Hello everyone,
I am hoping at least someone can relate to me or can give me some advice as I feel extremely foolish.
I’m a few years away from 40 and I have one child. My ex husband is a doctor but left me when I was two months pregnant and ran off with a young nurse, I haven’t seen him since. I went online one evening and went on a dating website which is very unlike me. I met a guy who lives about two hours away. Our online chats turned into texts then phones calls and on occasions web chats. We have been now talking for a few years and he would reassure me that he was single and that he wants to meet me but he feels bad about himself and finds relationships difficult but he wants to be with me. I have foolishly kept our conversation going and the contact regular.
Does anyone have any advice on this? I feel so very foolish and it’s so very embarrassing. I know this isn’t right but yet I really wish it was.
Thank you for reading and I hope someone can relate and I’m not the only women that has gone along with mr unavailable.

OP posts:
userxx · 06/01/2018 00:54

Have you actually seen this guy in real life, on face time or anything? It sounds very odd.

GottadoitGottadoit · 06/01/2018 00:54

This is a fantasy relationship, not a real one. In the flesh you may not be able to stand him, that's why they always advise meeting online dating people ASAP.

Maybe you weren't ready for a real relationship and this guy was a pleasant fantasy to while away the time, but just as real relationships can run their course and he ended, so can fantasy ones. Is it time to end it with him do you think?

Original poster
Wrenlakehouse · 06/01/2018 00:58

Userxx: I have only seen him on FaceTime, a few time not so much. A few years ago friends on mine said they believed he was married so they checked him out for me. They found out his address and social media. I found some things I didn’t like on social media but it seems no partner.

OP posts:
Bant · 06/01/2018 01:01

So you' haven't met him. You've been talking for years to him but you haven't met him.

It's understandable that you keep a relationship of sorts going with him, but you don't know who 'him' is. Do you think things would magically get better and you'd have a fun life tromping through fields with him?

This man is not suitable for a relationship. I would block him and move on

DarkNightDelight · 06/01/2018 01:04

Why haven't you ever met up?

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2018 01:07

If he won't meet you in rl, then this 'relationship' has no future. You're wasting valuable time in which you could be meeting a 'real life' man as opposed to this 'video' man.

If you can 'downgrade' him to just a friend and begin pursuing real men then fine, keep him as a friend. If not, then pull the plug.

You haven't been giving/sending him money have you?

Original poster
Wrenlakehouse · 06/01/2018 01:10

I haven’t met up with him because I and he agrees to a date then he acts as if we haven’t and the date passes. I have questioned him over this he begs me not to cut contact and he explains the same old story of him finding intimate relationships difficult, I ask him for coffee he explains that he would worry it could develop into a relationship but he needs more time. It’s been years and I’m getting really fed up with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wrenlakehouse · 06/01/2018 01:13

I haven’t sent him money no. From what I found out his ok money rise as he is an accountant and owns his home. He has sent me gifts occasionally for a birthday or Christmas but not every year and it’s mostly a dvd or a I pad pen nothing expensive. I do send him nicer gifts for birthday and Christmas as I did send him bits and bobs for this Christmas but he didn’t to me.

OP posts:
LadyB49 · 06/01/2018 01:13

I'm sorry op but it sounds to me like he's just playing you along.

BackInTheRoom · 06/01/2018 01:14

This is weird. I'd call his bluff and tell him you either meet up or no more contact.

Changedname3456 · 06/01/2018 07:27

Well there’s got to be something wrong here. As PP have said, at the very least this “relationship” is stopping you from finding someone real.

It sounds a lot like a situation one of my female friends ended up in. She wasted three years on the idiot. They did actually meet, but that didn’t make a lot of difference. She just couldn’t see what a waste of time it all was even though (to all her friends) it was screamingly obvious. Please cut your losses now.

hevonbu · 06/01/2018 07:40

Big warning sign: "I and he agrees to a date then he acts as if we haven’t and the date passes."

hevonbu · 06/01/2018 07:42

It's a penpal more than anything else.

Newrules · 06/01/2018 07:43

It's been years, you still haven't met but he needs more time?!

Do you both feel as if you are in a relationship?

I think you are wasting your time but you could give him one more final date and say, if we don't meet, that's it.

Psychobabble123 · 06/01/2018 07:45

He's clearly in a relationship and you are a pleasant pastime for him. He won't meet you, ever. He will keep stringing you aling as long as you'll let him. You deserve better than this OP, walk away and work on your self worth before venturing into "dating" again.

DarkNightDelight · 06/01/2018 10:31

He's in a relationship 100%

Original poster
Wrenlakehouse · 06/01/2018 10:48

I know it’s sounds crazy but I don’t think he is in a relationship. He always picks up the phone I have checked and his home is only his. He said he finds relationships difficult. I do believe him regarding him not having a partner but I can’t wait any longer and I think his being selfish.

OP posts:
Antigonads · 06/01/2018 10:52

Nice penpal.

Move on.

ATeardropExplodes · 06/01/2018 10:52

You've never even met the guy! Move the fuck on. This ain't gonna happen.

DarkNightDelight · 06/01/2018 11:02

I'd stop contact, he knows how to reach you. You're worth more than a pen pal Thanks
Life is short, get out there meet new people and enjoy yourself x

thedevilinablackdress · 06/01/2018 11:03

It sounds like he's been fulfilling a need in you for some attention but from a safe distance - understandable given the horrible break up with exH. Possibly similar on his side, who knows. Time to move on though.

Squeegle · 06/01/2018 11:07

He may not be in a relationship but he is acting weird and so while it has been useful for you it seems to me it’s time for this to end. Time for you to move onto something real.

Squeegle · 06/01/2018 11:09

He’s not only being selfish he is not available to you; even if you persuaded him to meet he’s not suddenly going to turn into the man you need.

userxx · 06/01/2018 11:11

Definitely time to forget and move on.

Potterurotter · 06/01/2018 11:14

It sounds like a catfish relationship OP