Mr unavailable and miss foolish

[Wrenlakehouse]

Hello everyone,
I am hoping at least someone can relate to me or can give me some advice as I feel extremely foolish.
I’m a few years away from 40 and I have one child. My ex husband is a doctor but left me when I was two months pregnant and ran off with a young nurse, I haven’t seen him since. I went online one evening and went on a dating website which is very unlike me. I met a guy who lives about two hours away. Our online chats turned into texts then phones calls and on occasions web chats. We have been now talking for a few years and he would reassure me that he was single and that he wants to meet me but he feels bad about himself and finds relationships difficult but he wants to be with me. I have foolishly kept our conversation going and the contact regular.
Does anyone have any advice on this? I feel so very foolish and it’s so very embarrassing. I know this isn’t right but yet I really wish it was.
Thank you for reading and I hope someone can relate and I’m not the only women that has gone along with mr unavailable.

Get yourself onto baggage reclaim - she even uses the same name, Mr. Unavailable!

Time to change your mental process about men/relationships or you'll waste your best years trailing after losers who aren't worth your time.

Why are you living this half life?

You need to stop contact with this guy (whatever it I there is clearly something VERY wrong, as this is far from normal behaviour) and get out there and find a proper relationship!

Gosh what a waste of time - you would have so much more time to do nice things if you binned him - you've had YEARS of this OP. What's the point?

It doesn't really matter if he is in a relationship or not. The fact is that he doesn't want to be in one with you. If he did, you would have met by now. No-one puts off meeting the person they think might be the one for them for years because they are too shy or nervous about relationships. No-one. He is stringing you along. Why that is, I don´t know, but again that isn´t really the important point. The important point is that for every day that you are wasting on this guy who will never meet you, you are wasting the chance to need a real, live man who will love you and want to spend time with you. You can't change what has been, but you can change your future. Don´t waste a single day more on chasing this dream.

It doesn't really matter if he's in a relationship or not at this point. Whatever his personal circumstances are he doesn't want to meet you. Full stop. I assume you've told each other you love each other and I assume you've both performed intimate acts over face time. Nonetheless all the time he's got his toe wedged in your front door a real man, in flesh and blood, where you can feel his touch and kiss him and clink glasses to toast your future together, cannot walk through the door and hold you.

It's your choice OP and your life that you're pissing against the wall. Carry on kissing your screen for the next 5 years. Celebrate your 40th alone. Then one day you'll look in the mirror and see that you're closer to 50 and you'll realise just what you've thrown away. It won't be him. It will be your best years and you can never get those back.

Sonjadog - great minds and all that...

I've had one of these. Lovely guy, but absolutely not with emotionally investing in. I'm with someone now and this guy has become a WhatsApp friend and nothing more. We catch up a couple of times a week and talk about work, kids etc and see each other as a sounding board. It'll never come to anything, it would have already happened if it was going to.

You are wasting your time OP, this fantasy relationship is preventing you from finding a real one.

By keeping this guy in the background you will not find the strength or the motivation to move on.

It sounds like this guy simply doesn't want a real relationship but is happy with a fake on-screen relationship.
He may have several women for fantasy chats. How would you know?

Find someone else.

Hi Wren,

Sounds like you've got yourself someone with an extreme avoidant attachment style. Okay relating at a distance but terrified of physical and emotional intimacy which may explain the non dates.

Hate to reiterate it but this is a dead end to misery. I married one, like being completely on your own but tied to someone forever. The more you push for intimacy and a normal relationship, the more they run away.

Have you read 'Attached' by Levine and Heller? Perhaps you have an anxious attachment style and are attracted to avoidants. The good news is anxious types can form very good relationships with someone secure.

The bad news is avoidants have a difficult or impossible chance of intimacy without a lot of therapeutic intervention.

Don't beat yourself up. You can move onto a much happier relationship. Get out there!

It's that old saying, isn't it? "When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them". He's said he has 'trouble' with relationships. He's having a great deal of 'trouble' with yours (not that I'd call it a relationship). So he's told you who he is, hasn't he?

Move on. You're wasting your time. Time that you could be enjoying your own life on your own terms and/or seeking out a partner who is real, not a face on a screen.

Op I have done a similar thing because it suited me after a horrible divorce. Don’t feel bad but no excuses make up for the life you are missing out on. Don’t try to understand him, if he wanted you he would find a way to deal with his issues. You have spent enough time on him.
I’ll take my own advice after reading your post so thank you.

Thank you all for you’re input. I don’t understand how I got in this situation. I think I was lonely and felt completely worthless after my husband left he was the person at the end of the phone and I felt a connection was built I have held on and spoken to him about it all so many times. He always tells me the same thing “ he wants to spend time with me but he finds being with women difficult” he did mention about having some issues in the bedroom area but this is new as he hasn’t mentioned this before. He tells me he hasn’t had sex for 9 years now. He is only a pen pal that is true. It has really helped with everyone’s opinion.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt: we have at the beginning had intimate conversation but never on face time and once I told him I felt he only called me at the end of s night out for that he stopped and he has never flirted since not once. I have tried and he changes the subject. He tells me he is attracted to me but doesn’t flirt.

Quit beating a dead horse hun. People come into our lives for reason and it sounds like he has served his purpose in yours. Set yourself free now and find someone to really fly with.

I can’t tell you how these messages are helping me. I do feel stronger reading them.

Get him the fuck. He’s a dick sndvis taking the piss. Sorry

Again.

Get him to fuck

Sounds like an episode of Catfish, The TV Show.
www.mtv.com/shows/catfish-the-tv-show

I met someone on a forum (nothing to do with dating) and we became friends and we texted and talked and stuff for 4 years without ever meeting. Always something getting in the way. We were both casually dating other people at the time.
There was nothing catfishy or not real going on. We finally met. Nothing.
Within six months I was living with now oh and he is married. I don't think we meant to but we were obviously holding each other back in real life. Think it was a safe easy option for us both at the time.
We're still facebook friends and have the odd exchange.

Clearly you are wasting your time op

I wanted to add an update. I spoke to him and he read some of the comments on here. He has told me he can’t offer me a real relationship with closeness but he would like us to remain the way we are. I have explained I’m unable to live like that. So I feel I need to work on myself so I am able to move on to a real person who will be there for me. All your comments have given me such strength and made me feel as if I wasn’t the one being selfish. Thank you.

Well done!

Good for you OP. There is a No Contact (NC) support thread on here which you might find helpful. General wisdom is it takes 30 days to break the habit of daily contact with someone. It takes me about three months and is so difficult and like going cold turkey but it's the only way I'm able to move on. Maybe search for the threads and have a read.

Of course you’re not being selfish! You can end a relationship for any reason you want, and given that in this case your reason is ‘he doesn’t want a relationship’ I think that’s more than fair enough!!!