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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wanting to leave after affair

28 replies

babycow38 · 05/01/2018 23:25

I'm currently three years in to discovery my DH had an affair, so as not to dripfeed , he spent most of 2014 being a nasty twat , I couldn't work out what was going on, ie, I bent over backwards to be better, nicer etc, yes turned out he was shaggin OW, my problem now is I went through hell in the aftermath of this, completely lost myself, my identity, everything. Fast forward three years and I'm so much better, stronger, I know I can be without him, but the shit thing is now I'm okay ,I want to leave, I'm ready to have a clean break and move on, my kids and my in-laws see this as IM being horrible, imleavng the family, I'm broken hearted because when he left for OW I was the one to keep me and my kids afloat, now they are saying I should not leave, it's me being awful, I want my kids to understand i need a life .

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/01/2018 23:27

Just end it. You are ultimately responsible for your own life. No one else has a say, they are not living in your head.

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/01/2018 23:31

Hi Baby

It seems to me they do t want you to leave, because it may inconvenience them, more than anything
He might have to stay with them for a while, plus the kids, they aren't thinking of what you want

It's one life lovely don't waste it on fuckwits 💐

Original poster
babycow38 · 05/01/2018 23:39

Thank you Any Fucker, I've been a doormat for fucking everybody to keep my "family" together, you know what? The kids think he is mister wonderful, they have forgot when we had to move out of the family home, because he said he wanted rid of meI'm sick of being the bad guy,just because I want more for myself. I'm going to leave and if my kids don't understand i will be heartbroken but I have to do this, fuck I'm heartbroken

OP posts:
Original poster
babycow38 · 05/01/2018 23:52

They think because it's three years ago I should be okay, not that it's taken me three years to realise he is an emotional abusive and financial abusive twat and finally had enough, I'm certain if/ when I leave now I'm going to be the bad oneie breaking up the family,it's just shit and breaking my heart that they can't see me, my life, my wanting something better for myself

OP posts:
springydaffs · 06/01/2018 00:54

How old are your kids baby?

AnyFucker · 06/01/2018 01:07

You will be fine. You sound strong.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2018 01:08

I think you should leave him. There's no time limit on deciding to end a marriage following infidelity.

I'm glad you feel stronger and what people need to know is that affairs are often the death of a marriage. It's never the same again. It's tainted..with an indelible blemish forever more.

mumoffour1816154 · 06/01/2018 01:10

As others have said it's your life, rightly you should look after yourself first. Family, relatives very selfish expecting you to forget all his crap and live as If nothing happened

Agerbilatemycardigan · 06/01/2018 01:17

My own mother tried to stop me divorcing my unfaithful and violent exH.

I divorced him - she got over it.

You're strong and you'll survive, and probably even flourish once you're away from him.

MiddleClassProblem · 06/01/2018 01:20

How old are the kids?

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/01/2018 11:18

Fuck them and their fucking opinions!!

Explain to your kids how hurt you still are. They will cope. They coped when he left you for ow didnt they? They will cope this time too!

Original poster
babycow38 · 07/01/2018 02:48

Thanks everyone who replied, kids 15 and 20 , I'm struggling to not seen selfish, the usual, brought up to think of every body but myself, my children just see their. dad as wonderful, I've had mental health problems only the last three years, before that I have been a great mum, I've been a good mum and not asked for anything back, now I want them to see me as an individual, not just Mum, I guess I will just have to disconnect and hope they realise it's from their Dad and not them.

OP posts:
Original poster
babycow38 · 07/01/2018 02:57

When I went back to him the only ones who were happy/ okay were the kids and my sister who said " well you have had your breakdown, now women up" I feel so sad, unhappy, fucking miserable, yet my closest are not with me

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 07/01/2018 03:20

20????! That kid needs to grow the fuck up. The 15 yr old is a kid but still needs to realise they don’t get to decide this, but the 20yr old will be upset? No. You need to end this. They’ll all get over it.

I’d have a chat with your kids about maturity too because they’re acting like babies if they can’t see why you’re not to blame here.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/01/2018 08:36

Well at 15 and 20 I think you can sit them down and talk to them frankly about how you’re feeling and about how it has taken until now to get the strength to know yourself and when it happened you were just so lost, swept along and also were dealing with the peak your MH issues.

If you explain it to them earnestly and have a proper conversation about it, not a quick line about it if it comes up, then hopefully they should understand although they may need to go away and think about it for a bit.

Bedraggledmumoftwo · 07/01/2018 08:48

So sorry op.

I am separated from my husband and this has been my greatest fear- that despite him being the one to shit over everything by having an affair, it is me that has to decide whether to actually divorce him and break up the happy home. Because he didn't choose to leave me for her and has been asking to reconcile. But the damage is done. And now I am on the verge of filing for divorce and all the onus is on me. And the guilt of breaking up the children's happy home is killing me

BeachysFlipFlops · 07/01/2018 09:04

There's a strong feeling that you held it together for the family and kids, sounds like your children were doing exams or just started senior school when it happened. Now that period has passed and you are looking ahead to the next 25 years without your children being around and at home and you bring left with a grumpy, cheating husband, you are rightfully putting yourself first.....
Fly away and ignore others views. It's your life and they are just shocked you are not putting them first for once.

IndieTara · 07/01/2018 09:14

Op only you can decide what's the best thing to do for you and your life.
But do stop and think about the example you have already set to your kids and the example you will set if you leave.
Explain to them your reasons for staying and now wanting to leave. Try and get them to imagine how they would feel for instance if this had happened to them or their daughter. Theyre old enough to hear it. And they're old enough to try and understand

Bananamanfan · 07/01/2018 09:16

Everyone is probably just scared of change. I would guess that your dcs will see that you are better off alone once things settle.

Try to not to be too angry with them , just tell them that's what is happening and it is the right thing to do. Are you setting up a new home or staying in the family home? I left when you've left people will start to come out of the woodwork to tell you you've done the right thing.Flowers

Bananamanfan · 07/01/2018 09:17

Sorry I guess that when you have left

Joysmum · 07/01/2018 10:12

Everyone else can s only thinking about what’s best for them with you paying the price for that.

It’s about time you valued your own needs and make it clear to people that it’s about time they respect that because you deserve to more than just something be the make everyone else happy.

user1497991628 · 07/01/2018 11:18

I too know how you feel. Mine left, after two years of indecision. I actually coped well, but now he wants to come back and I’m racked with guilt, as I feel it’s now my choice to keep the family apart..

I know that’s ridiculous really; he’s done it all by himself.

So, my advice to you is to leave. This is not your fault. Your dcs will be fine when it actually happens and they see they will see that they will still have a good life. But with a happy mother!

Good luck.

Original poster
babycow38 · 08/01/2018 22:40

Bedraggledmumoftwo I know it's just awful, you have been the mainstay, the one who keeps the family together and then they shit on you , ive decided to stay for the next year, try to build my career, if it can be called that ,and build up some life away from DP, hobbies I love pottery and he always said it's frivolous, put me down every time I wanted to do it. I will start January doing what I want to do, being the person I want to be instead of thinking about what my family wants me to be . It's a good start..

OP posts:
Koala72 · 08/01/2018 22:52

Build your career, pursue some interests, find another guy. Leave your 'husband' because you have worked through all the horrific emotional demolition of yourself in every way, and now you're new and strong and don't want him (not just don't need him - don't actually want him). It's healthy not to want someone who treated/treats you like sh*t.

The 'kids' are barely kids. They need a chat. You love them. Their dad presumably loves them. Millions of people have parents in separate homes. It might suit them and their dad for you to be under the same roof, but it doesn't suit you. They need to understand what supporting you means. They need to be talked to as young adults and not babies. It is their time to step up. What their dad did was horrible. And as a result you now don't want him. And that is your RIGHT. Tell them straight.

Original poster
babycow38 · 08/01/2018 23:01

Yes, yes fucking yes Koala72 I've just signed up for my ceramics course, I will do this, I've also decided I am going to bite the bullet and train for management in my field, it's charity retail and I am ready to manage a shop, just need the confidence and determination and now I have it x

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