Found an old diary when sorting out the house to sell

[raleigh81]

My Husband and I are in the middle of getting our house ready to sell so we can move somewhere closer to work, Everything is in a mess, we are decorating, getting rid of old furniture etc

I was in the middle of sorting out our bedroom and was emptying drawers to see what was in them to place in the "keep" or "get rid of" pile and found a few old notepads, I had never seen them before.

Opened one and realized right away that it was basically a diary of sorts where my Husband was writing down things in his life at that time, this was before he met me so I stopped reading for his privacy and put it to one side, opened another to see my name, it would have been just after we moved in together going off the things he wrote.

I then saw he had wrote how he didn't see it working with me, he regretted asking me to move in with him, so I kept reading, it got worse, said he would never allow himself to love me, that he was just spending time with me, he even wrote that he would purposely stay late at work just to avoid coming home to me, that he hated how his life had changed since he met me/since moving in together, it went on and on and I can't type anymore as its making me upset thinking about it all again.

We have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and I now feel like our entire marriage has been a lie, that it all meant nothing. For the record we were not having problems when he wrote this, I was oblivious if there was anything wrong, he never brought anything up, he asked me to live with him, he asked me to marry him, we have never had any major problems, he's never hit me, never even raised his voice, never cheated, never even a hint of him being unhappy, we go to work, go on holiday, have an active sex life, he holds my hand, cuddles into me in bed at night, tells me he loves me all the time, it was just all normal to me and I had no reason to think anything was off or he was so unhappy with me. I feel like I don't know him anymore.

He is due home from work at 9pm, and I will be speaking to him obviously, but I have no clue where to start really, I feel nothing, numb.

What can I even say to all that? My mum always used to tell me that you can never truly know a person, I never knew what she meant until now.

That’s why my diary comes with a big sticker on the front warning anyone not to read it! It’s secret, only my ds knows I write it and where I keep it with strict instructions to destroy if something happens to me. I offload, process, rant, write whatever I’m feeling at the moment. It’s momentary, even the day after what I’ve written can seem irrelevant. It’s necessary for my sanity but it doesn’t represent what I feel most of the time and could potentially be very hurtful as you’ve found out. I admit it would have taken a lot of willpower not to read it but you really shouldn’t have! I think your dh will be mortified but hopefully will reassure you and hopefully you will understand that it was just offloading - maybe even a self protection thing, panic.... Approach him gently (not as soon as he walks through the door). I’d be inclined to say don’t talk to him and chuck the diary away but I’m not sure you’d be able to clear it from your mind. Good luck op

Not ds - I meant my sister

If it was my dh I'd make a joke about it and ask when he changed his mind.
It was such a long time ago, he obviously didn't feel like that for long.
've written some stuff in my diaries that if I read them back years later would be totally irrelevant to how things really turned out.
I wrote about hating my dh when we met, he really pushed all the wrong buttons.
We've been together 30 years and married for 25.

everyone writes shit in their diaries. hence the reason i don't keep one - i'm terrified someone will read it! try and move on.

You shouldn't have read it, that's true.

However, I can understand the temptation to read something you have seen your name on.

I would say now though that people's feelings can and do change over time, and this is very likely what has happened here.

When DH and I first met as students in the mid eighties I think it would be fair to say that we didn't much like each other, so either of us could have written similar stuff had we been minded to keep diaries.

Things and people do change though, as I said. This summer we will celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary. We also have three DDs, aged 22, 19 and 15.

Wow, I would feel really hurt if I read that. Speak to DH about it, I expect he will say that his feelings changes and he loves you and has been happy with you during big your marriage.

I bet he felt differently later, if not, why would he spend so many years with you?

I can't understand grown adults writing a diary to be honest, it's so self indulgent, and I think it's pretty ridiculous to think it's okay to write a load of shite about your spouse, leave it somewhere in your shared house and then think you have a right to be annoyed if they read it. If you don't want someone to know your innermost thoughts, keep them in your head!

Er no Tammy. Diaries are private spaces to air dofficult feelings which are advocated by mental health professionals. If you trust your partner there is no issue with it being read.
I had a diary as a kid and my mum took great pleasure in bringing stuff up in arguments. I still have huge issues with trust. My son keeps a diary and i would never read it

Yes, I agree with pp who've suggested he was just having a wobble. Finding that special person to love doesn't always happen the way you might expect it to, and some people take a while to fully come to terms with where life takes them. It doesn't mean that the love and connection isn't there, just that some prejudices or fears or whatever are a block to it. Some people can get past the block and they're the lucky ones.

We have some friends who went from being friends to becoming a couple. When we were all out one night, one half of the couple made some horrible comments about the physical appearance of their partner. This was early on their relationship and I think this person was trying to 'save face' on some way because their partner wasn't conventionally attractive. I was absolutely disgusted that night and so angry on behalf of the partner who did the realise the other was being so nasty. I wondered if I should say something (to one or both), but decided not to.

Fast forward 10+ years and I've never seen such a demonstrative and openly 'in love' couple. The mean partner was absolutely completely in love with their partner, but it took a while for them to come to terms with the fact that love doesn't always show up where you expect. I'm so glad I never said anything to either of them at the time - it might have ruined a beautiful relationship.

People get very emotional in diaries and reading back later think god I sounded like a hysterical teenager on an extra hormone dose. I think it was a wobble and says nothing about your relationship since, he obviously came around. But it would have been very hurtful to read. I would have the talk and ask him to promise that if he were thinking anything like that that he would share it with me.

Hope you've talked everything through and you feel better now, OP.

You sound as if you have a happy marriage so I’m guessing his negative thoughts didn’t last too long!
You’d probably just had an argument or something

This is why you should never read a diary. You invaded your husband’s private thoughts and feelings and no good will come of it.

Diaries are like therapists for some people. A safe space and place to express and process your feelings. It’s really not about you but about the diary writer.

I had a boyfriend who found my diary and read it. Ironically there was nothing about him in it. I don’t think our relationship would have gone full term but I ended it as soon as I found out.

I hope you can get past this and talk through it. You’ve been together a long time and that counts for more than his diary thoughts from 19 years ago.

“It’s really not about you but about the diary writer.”

He wrote he didn’t love her, didn’t want a relationship and you think he’s just processing? Yeah, how he felt! He’s not 12, writing he hates his parents in his secret journal. How are his feeling about OP and their relationship not about her?

But the feelings are his.

Your justified to be upset. I would be too... I'd also be asking him about it and wanting an explanation.

I'm quite sensitive and have to say it could affect my ability to be happy with him again. I just wouldn't be able to forget it unfortunately.

I’d be upset and asking him. Maybe it was a period of commitment panic for him?
I can’t see how he’d carry on marry you etc if he felt that was for much longer!

Why did you even open the second diary? You'd already opened one, figured out what it was and put it aside for the sake of your DH's privacy, so how exactly did it come to pass that you started reading the second one? It sounds more like you read a bit of one, figured out you weren't featured and moved on to the next.

I would be beyond livid if my partner read my diary and then had the nerve to confront me about it.

As for the poster saying the DH should have hidden them away, given they've been in the house for well over a decade without the OP ever seeing them or being aware he kept a diary, it seems like he did a pretty great job of that.

@raleigh81 I feel sorry that you read it, must have been hurtful for you, but does sound like you have a lovely marriage which is far more meaningful than what was written so long ago. I've kept a diary for nearly 20 years (I am 34) and I cannot even bring myself to re read old diaries as they are such an 'in the moment' expression of what I am feeling. Because it's so private it is completely imbalanced and irrational and emotional. I've written horrible things about each member of my family, often repeatedly and about my DH. I can't bring myself to re read and I'd be devastated if anyone read them. As others have said it's almost like a release mechanism on a bad day (others may have a drink!) so try not to take offence at a few bad days 19 years ago. I couldn't not bring it up with DH if I was in your position but it's your call. Good luck x

Kmc i would also be livid as it was a lack of respect. I would struggle to trust again.

you shouldnt have read it although i find it hard to believe a man would write a diary - so flame me - are you going to have it out with him?

I would definitely talk to him about it. I'm sure that is how he felt at the time. The question is, does he still feel like it?

It does make me think of men who suddenly go cold on their wives, maybe having met someone else, and then say, I never loved you anyway, you forced me to get married...basically rewriting history in the eyes of the wife but maybe they did feel like that all along. Cowardly if true of course.

Ouch, that must have been upsetting.

Trouble is you’re now in an awkward position because your dh may well adopt the attack-is-the-best-form-of-defense ‘how dare you have read that’ stance. Which will get in the way of an appeal for reassurance and healing.

Only you know how he might react. Is it something you need to come to terms with in yourself? Or is it something you need insight into and his perspective? And finally, will you get that comfort and insight from him under the circs?

Hi OP. Did you manage to speak to your husband?