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Original poster

Found an old diary when sorting out the house to sell

75 replies

raleigh81 · 05/01/2018 18:52

My Husband and I are in the middle of getting our house ready to sell so we can move somewhere closer to work, Everything is in a mess, we are decorating, getting rid of old furniture etc

I was in the middle of sorting out our bedroom and was emptying drawers to see what was in them to place in the "keep" or "get rid of" pile and found a few old notepads, I had never seen them before.

Opened one and realized right away that it was basically a diary of sorts where my Husband was writing down things in his life at that time, this was before he met me so I stopped reading for his privacy and put it to one side, opened another to see my name, it would have been just after we moved in together going off the things he wrote.

I then saw he had wrote how he didn't see it working with me, he regretted asking me to move in with him, so I kept reading, it got worse, said he would never allow himself to love me, that he was just spending time with me, he even wrote that he would purposely stay late at work just to avoid coming home to me, that he hated how his life had changed since he met me/since moving in together, it went on and on and I can't type anymore as its making me upset thinking about it all again.

We have been together for 19 years, married for 12 and I now feel like our entire marriage has been a lie, that it all meant nothing. For the record we were not having problems when he wrote this, I was oblivious if there was anything wrong, he never brought anything up, he asked me to live with him, he asked me to marry him, we have never had any major problems, he's never hit me, never even raised his voice, never cheated, never even a hint of him being unhappy, we go to work, go on holiday, have an active sex life, he holds my hand, cuddles into me in bed at night, tells me he loves me all the time, it was just all normal to me and I had no reason to think anything was off or he was so unhappy with me. I feel like I don't know him anymore.

He is due home from work at 9pm, and I will be speaking to him obviously, but I have no clue where to start really, I feel nothing, numb.

What can I even say to all that? My mum always used to tell me that you can never truly know a person, I never knew what she meant until now.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 05/01/2018 20:29

Horrible to read op sorry

However I agree with a pp sayin actions speak louder than words !

If your marriage is a happy one it seems clear that he doesn't feel those things now and hasn't for a very very long time

SavvyFishFinger · 05/01/2018 20:29

so I stopped reading for his privacy and put it to one side, opened another to see my name

You have lost me already.

Drama queen.

MikeUniformMike · 05/01/2018 20:30

I keep a diary/journal and write personal things in it. I find it helps keep me sane. DP could read it if he was so inclined but he respects my privacy. There's nothing bad about him in there, but there probably would be some home truths.
When you move in with someone it can be a major upheaval and even if it all seems perfect there are teething problems. You may have had rows and your then DP was probably venting. The fact that you have been happily married for 12 years says a lot more than an old private journal does.
It's a case of curiosity and the cat. I'd forget about it if I could.
Concentrate on the here and now.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 05/01/2018 20:30

And that is what happens when you snoop in someone else’s diary.

Did your mother ever teach you that eavesdropping is rude? Reading someone’s diary is exactly the same.

SweetChickadee · 05/01/2018 20:31

I think it would have just been a phase and it passed.

Dh and I had a dodgy patch just after moving in - we both took longer to adjust than we expected and it all went a bit awry for a bit. I was out with friends too much.

Was only a few months and then we were fine...happy as pigs in shit, in fact Grin

greenlynx · 05/01/2018 20:33

I think you should focus on your 19 year long relationship, and not on a years-old diary that might have been written in haste or as a sort of exercise in being emotional, as diaries can often become.
^^ Agree with this.
He could not keep pretending for 19 years. It's impossible. And no one force him to marry you 7 years later.
Living together might be very tricky for some people in the very beginning. It could be this.
How long he kept diaries? He probably forgot about this already.

ferando81 · 05/01/2018 20:33

My friend used to moan about his lack of freedom and how he wished he'd stayed single but then gets anxious and misses his the wife and kids when they are gone for any length of time.
My guess he will be devastated when you confront him because it's hurt you and not really true

LolitaLempicka · 05/01/2018 20:36

You read his private diary? And then got upset about what he wrote? If you are the type of person to do that, then what other things have you done to him over the years? I am not surprised he felt he had made a mistake moving in with you.

HermioneAndMsJones · 05/01/2018 20:37

You see I’m a bit in two minds about it.
On one side, it’s likely that it was written at a time when he was stressed/insecure and he used the dairy as a way to release that stress/worry/anger. And then that time passed, he settled down and actually those feelings moved on and moved onto different things (such as loving you, wanting to be married and having a family etc...)

On the other side, those feelings usually happen when things aren’t right and there is some tension. The other partner isn’t totally oblivious of what is going on. And it doesn’t happen in the ‘honey moon’ period.

I think you need a chat, at the very least because you need to put your mind at rest that it was just the first case and your marriage has never been a screen of smoke.

Halie · 05/01/2018 20:41

As some other people have said, it's really easy to write nasty/scathing/out of character things in a diary because it's often the place you go to offload when you have problems and they are when your perspective is lost. I bet if he read some of those things back he would wince. I've had to tear out pages from diaries because I can't even relate to who I was when I wrote some things about people and I've got rid of some diaries altogether. It's really tricky because I think if you raise this with him he might go on the defensive because you've read something that is private - plus, like I say, it could be difficult for him to explain because they may have been moments of madness.

It is upsetting though and obviously must be quite shocking for you. It's up to you entirely whether to raise it with him, but it will be quite difficult not to I suppose because you need to know the truth about whether those were moments of madness or if there are kernels of truth in those entries.

NinonDeLenclos · 05/01/2018 20:43

Given the context and the outcome, it sounds very much like he's trying to convince himself he's not in love with you and he doesn't like you.

But it wasn't true was it?

Some men are absolutely bat shit terrified of love and commitment.

DinkyDaisy · 05/01/2018 20:44

I'm not sure you should admit you have read it....
How will he react? I would not be happy if my diary.

NinonDeLenclos · 05/01/2018 20:44

I've said terrible things to both my parents that I wish I had simply written in a diary because they were complete baloney and simply a proection of my stress and anger about other things.

It's easy to make the person/s nearest you a scapegoat for other stresses.

Shumpalumpa · 05/01/2018 20:45

I ehat my ewif Sad

Seriously, OP, talk to him. It sounds like he loves you.

April229 · 05/01/2018 20:46

Shocking for sure, but he would not have stayed this long , happily with you if he had felt like this for more than a short time, he obviously came to his senses and realised you were absolutely the one for him!

GeekyBlinders · 05/01/2018 20:51

When I first moved in with my DP, I really struggled with the loss of independence and privacy, and having someone who did things differently to me. I found him really quite irritating, and wondered if I'd made a mistake, and if I'd had a diary, I probably would have written that down. It didn't last, though, and now we're extremely happy together.

Pollaidh · 05/01/2018 20:56

Last year I found a notebook containing pros and cons lists for my (now) DH, that I'd written when really not sure whether the relationship was a good idea. There were a heck of a lot more cons than pros.

Thankfully we read them together, and it was amusing rather than the terrible shock you've had.

We've been together 13+ years and are very happy. The lists and diary notes from my past were a temporary an early wobble as we were starting to commit to each other. If it hadn't been for finding those notes, I wouldn't even have remembered writing them, things have changed so much.

TheAtlanticWatch · 05/01/2018 21:01

OP I'm sorry, that must have been so upsetting. Flowers

However, just because it is in a diary doesn't mean it's a true reflection of his feelings either then or now. Diaries are for venting and the private exploration of your thoughts and feelings/downloading of weird shit in your head; your reality is the 19 year relationship you have built that sounds very strong.

Agree with wise pp who referenced Bridget Jones - it's only a diary, everyone knows diaries are just full of crap. I can't believe some of the stuff I wrote 5 years ago in my diary, let alone 20, but there have been times when a diary has been a lifesaver for me in allowing me to work out conflicting/irrational feelings and get on with real life.

I appreciate you will need to talk to him about this, but please try to keep an open mind if you do until you hear his side. This may have just been his way of working out his feelings and clearly he decided that he did love you and did want to be with you. He may well be devastated and that you have read it but personally I would agree that you need to clear to air if you think it might gnaw away at you otherwise

I would also add, just to offer another perspective, that my DH is a "wobbler" and would often have a crisis before any significant event, especially in the early days of our relationship, to the extent where we nearly split up several times, and this was usually always because he felt everything had to be perfect and if he had any conflicting feelings or doubts or niggles it was a massive crisis as opposed to just a thought process before making a commitment.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/01/2018 21:03

Maybe you should read the next one, it may give you insight into why he changed his mind or didn’t share his thoughts with you.

It’s a hurtful thing to read

Whinesalot · 05/01/2018 21:06

It's a pity you didn't stop when you read the first thing.
I assume he changed his mind or he wouldn't have asked you.

cathyclown · 05/01/2018 21:10

If this is a true story, I cannot believe that anyone would keep something like this for others to find.

Why?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/01/2018 21:14

I keep my old diaries, why wouldn’t I?

I’d be properly pissed off if a partner read them, let alone got pissy about what’s in them. OTOH I totally understand the OP is upset by what she’s read. ...and I’d have read them too Blush. Total hypocrite I know!

cathyclown · 05/01/2018 21:20

Annie,

Diaries are private. If you do not want someone else to find/read them you put them away somewhere safe.

Not the case here though it seems.

OP needs to work it out for themselves.

Pollaidh · 05/01/2018 21:24

I kept mine, didn't see any reason why not and then things happened in life, some quite traumatic, that meant I never thought to get them filed, reviewed or thrown away, until they suddenly turned up.

KERALA1 · 05/01/2018 21:24

I have absolutely no sympathy for diary readers. You bought this on yourself. Why the hell did you read it? No good ever comes from diary reading no relationship survives it.