Is DH cheating?

[somethinganon]

Having read a million threads like this before it’s now my turn . I’m a regular, NCed. So:

DH has to travel to a not-distant European city every 2-4 weeks for work. He originally moaned about it a lot, and used to do a day trip only, to avoid being away from home too long. Then a few months ago he decided to do overnight trips instead, to make it less tiring. He also seemed to start enjoy going more, saying he really liked the city and the hotel he stays at. So far, so innocent, though there are other things that make me wonder.

The first was also a few months ago (not sure if same time as starting to stay overnight) – I was in bed one day and heard him clipping his hair in another bathroom, the night before he was going away. Sounds really silly I know but he HATES cutting his hair, always complains about it, and usually puts it off as long as possible. Before then I’d never known him to do it without announcing/moaning about it, and also doing it anywhere but in our en suite bathroom. I forgot about it at the time, but since then have noticed that he does his hair every time he goes away.

Also, he has a touch of mentionitis about a colleague of his, a woman in his team, let’s call her A. He does seem to talk about her more than any of his other colleagues, and I know they have been for drinks just the 2 of them. He also told me she is worried about her marriage. We both have close friends of the opposite sex so that doesn’t bother me, there’s just something about this that niggles.

I casually asked him who he usually travels with, he said “usually it’s just me but A is coming this time”. Later on I joked that he was just going away to get some alone time, he said “oh no, I’m not planning to see A out of work hours”, which was weird as I wasn’t even talking about her .

It doesn’t help that I’ve just looked her up and she is very attractive. However, I have never before had a reason not to trust him. A while ago we were going through a bad patch and I suggested we have a trial separation, he seemed genuinely devastated. We didn’t and are back on track, or so I assumed.

So, if this was you, would you be worried? Are there any other signs I should be looking out for?

No I would not like this one bit. I would 100% keep an eye on this and be vigilant for any other 'odd' behaviour.

I know this might sound a bit extreme, but you could ask him what he got up to. And then check his bank statements to see if it matched up. Like if he said he went straight to the hotel but his bank statement says X amount spent at a local bar etc.

I think it's just an unfortunate mix of scenarios- female work colleague going through marriage problems spending alone time with your husband in a different country, your husband is very fond of said woman and now starts out of the ordinary grooming behaviour.

Does he keep in contact with you after work hours, like Skype and call? This is a red flag if you can't get hold of him via call etc.

Well he already seems to be displaying most of the signs.
Is he on his phone more?
More secretive with it?
Would he allow you to look through it if you asked?
Basically, yes he's having an affair. Whether it be emotional or physical it's still an affair.
So what now for you?

Trust your gut instinct

Thanks both. Re bank statement - we use a shared spend tracking app (and have shared account) so he's unlikely to do anything stupid by card. When he's abroad he gets a wodge of euros and spends those, so I can't track it really.

We do tend to have a phone chat when he is away but neither of us are big phone people so not long calls. I'm tempted to try and keep him on the phone all evening (he is away tonight) and see how he reacts

The mobile thing - he doesn't phone guard with his normal phone, we know each others passwords etc. But he has a work phone that I don't know password to. I can't think of a reason to ask to see it without confronting.

On that subject, does confronting ever work? I would have thought if someone is lying to you they will have no compunction continuing to lie, and in fact start going to greater lengths to conceal. That's my worry anyway.

What now for me, good question. I don't know really. I am not totally black and white about affairs (having been somewhat less than an angel in my own past ) but can't really say how I'd feel in this instance, until it really happens iyswim.

Thanks blue. What shall I do though? Feel like I'd need more evidence before saying anything.

Do you know what, I wouldn't be overly worried in your shoes. I might ask him about his hair for example - it's reasonable you'd notice and pretty contrived not to comment - but it could be that this regular trip is serving as a kind of hobby for him. You know, "me" time; I can imagine the very act of getting away to a nice city on the regular could give a person something to look forward to, something to look nice for and something to restore the same sense of yourself as individual as a new interest; or yes, as an affair.

But something in the way he's answered your questions doesn't scream "affair" to me, and the fact you've said his friendship with A isn't in itself unusual. Saying that, you'd be better placed to know.

How are you doing for "me" time? Perhaps your feelings about the attractive A are well-founded, or perhaps you're just feeling a little insecure in yourself and you need the equivalent confidence boost of swanning off in your sharp haircut and fancy clothes to pose with a cocktail in a foreign city once a month.

Yeah I never understand posters that come on and say “just ask him”. Do they not realise some people are bloody good liars

I wouldn’t be happy about this at all OP. I’m a firm believer in trusting your instinct. I would perhaps leave it a bit longer, try to collect as much evidence as possible or see if there’s any more changes

Could you not perhaps suggest to him he gets another job which doesn’t involve travelling as you miss having him around? You don’t have to mean it, but just to see his reaction. I mean if he hates it as much as he says he does he won’t have a problem will he?

Is your relationship of the type where you can talk it through? That might stop a budding emotional affair, well before potential for anything physical to happen.

If you confront without 'real proof' then of course he will continue to lie and then just hide it better.
Been there and got the t-shirt!
Do you have DC together?

Ahh yes, I didn't think about the change of currency. Damn.

That's a good idea, do try and keep him on the phone as long as possible and call back every hour or so and see if he's bothered/flustered or agitated? If I was alone in my hotel room, I wouldn't mind my DP calling me frequently.

If you are going to confront him, I would immediately ask him for the password for the phone so you can check it on the spot, don't give him enough time to delete anything. Many people hold on to intimate texts to re-read even at the risk of their partner finding them.

I had a niggling feeling that something may have happened with my ex partner mostly because he came home unusually late and then a couple of days later someone saved as "dave" in his phone text him something odd with kisses. When I asked why 'Dave' had sent him that? He went really pale and he didn't have to say anything I just knew. So before he had a chance to say anything I was already screaming "tell me everything now. If you want this relationship to have a chance of surviving I need to know everything".

He then proceeded to explain but lie about certain things, I had to keep badgering and badgering to get the truth.

I think the "confrontation" I'd suggest would be to tell him his apparent new-found enjoyment of his travelling obligations is making you feel a bit insecure - which it is. And ask him what exactly it is that's making it more enjoyable for him, because previously he was loathe to be away from you, and his behaviour surrounding it seems somewhat changed...

His answer may or may not be telling, or it may peak those gut instincts of yours, but it would be a start. And if you did feel the need to "gather evidence" from then on it wouldn't have given away your suspicions.

I would just start taking a closer look at stuff:

• have a look in his wallet when he gets back from his trips (receipts etc?)
• try to have a look in his suitcase for anything tucked into pockets etc. Trouser and jacket inside pockets etc.
• inspect his underwear for signs of being turned on [sorry]

And try to remember, innocent until proven guilty. It could be that he wants to look nice for her (ego boost) but has no intention of doing anything.

Good luck keeping on the phone later.
I hope he doesn't try to cut it short to get away!
If he does just keep saying, 'but you've nothing else to do so keep talking to me'

send him a couple of texts tonight and see if he gets back quickly. If he is bored and on his own , its likley he would.

I’m going to ask what could come across as a really bizzare question.

Why do you think he was clipping in another bathroom? it’s not as if he could hide his haircut! My OH clips his hair but also likes to keep his nether regions nice and neat too. More so if i am being particularly armourous.

I can’t think of any other reason why your DH would clip in another bathroom

Jesus. I can see why you might be wise to do a bit more digging and that I would probably be a bit suspicious in your shoes, but for anyone to leap to 'yes, he's having an affair' based solely on what you've written here is a hell of a leap (unless hellsbellsmelons has some kind of crystal ball).

I travel to work on the continent too and generally smarten myself up a bit more beforehand as colleagues there are always a bit better turned out then the ones I work with here, so I'm not sure cutting his hair is a sign (unless you're not talking about the hair on his head, in which case, yes - that is very suspicious!). I also go out with friends of both sexes, sometimes as a group and sometimes just two of us depending on who is about.

I guess what I'm saying is you have grounds for suspicion and reasons to do a bit of extra digging but I wouldn't necessarily presume the worst going on what you've told us so far.

He might have a crush. Which is not quite the same as an EA.

Does he pack his best boxers or his grubby y fronts?

I have an alternative perspective on this. I used to travel a lot with a few quite attractive male colleagues. I almost preempted my ex's paranoia and say things that perhaps didn't seem too logical as I didn't want him to think anything was going on when it wasn't. I spent up to 10 days away with these colleagues, always with clients around and not once did anything happen, although we would sit in the bar the odd night and have a night cap.

I work usually from home, so when I went away I might take my nicer "work" clothes, shave my legs etc. But there was nothing in it at all. Once my colleague called me on skype from his hotel room, he was on the bed, with his legs open looking very casual (he had just arrived after traveling for hours and we needed to talk) but it was purely work related, and ex walked in to my office and I never heard the end of that, it was totally innocent. After that as he had mentioned it, I felt guilty, like I was trying to hide something, when I wasn't at all.

I don't know whether he likes his colleague or there is something going on or not. I guess just keep an eye out, but when you become a bit paranoid, he might sense that too. My ex was EA so its different, but sometimes suspicions are just that.

Thank you all for your replies - sorry to go quiet, I had to go out which took longer than expected. I'm just doing DCs dinner and bed, will be back and go through all the responses properly once they're in bed

Just a different perspective here.

I travel for work, often to Europe. I used to try and travel there and back same day and found it utterly miserable, stressful and knackering. I was much happier when I decided to just stay over.

@somethinganon

Trust your instincts OP. They're rarely wrong.

Ok, sorry for the hiatus. I’ll try and answer everything.

RatRolyPoly I think you may have something there – we have both been craving more me time. In fact I haven’t wanted to spend all night on the phone with him and miss out on my precious night to myself! So I do get it.

Chippy I agree, I need more evidence. Suggesting he changes jobs won’t work though as he hates his job and is gagging to leave.

Mozart yes we have been able to talk most things through, though admittedly we have been a bit distant recently. I’m worried though if it’s already gone past EA then he’ll just lie.

hellsbells yes, 2 primary school age DCs, which makes everything more complicated of course.

Earthworms I have been randomly calling throughout the afternoon/evening, but he’s always answered immediately. I was so convinced when he left this morning, and now I just feel silly . So I won’t confront yet, but I probably will stay vigilant for a while. I’m sorry you’ve been through all that

Claudia good idea, I’ll do a search. Lol at signs of being turned on! He’s quite dribbly anyway so not sure I’d be able to tell .

dizzy and messiah yeah I did wonder about nethers tidying! I never checked after the original suspicious hair trim, and forgot to check this morning. One to keep an eye on though, as he only does that for special occasions.

pngirl yes, could well be. I don’t particurly object to non-requited crushes, being rather prone to them myself. Just one of those things.

mitzi he doesn’t have a spectrum of pants! Just uniform bog standard boxers. Unless he has some special ones reserved for someone else to see…

pudding and alonsos yes you’re absolutely right, it could all be innocent and having spoken to him tonight I have no additional reason to worry.

But as bibidee and others have said, my gut does tell me something is up. I’ll definitely keep an eye on things for a while though, and take note of how he is/what he packs next time. The key will be whether he has taken his viagra with him!!

I think the comment that he wasn't planning on seeing A outside of work hours would set alarm bells off, personally! I go away with colleagues alot, sometimes just me and one other, sometimes a group but we've always at least had an evening meal together and a drink or two in the bar. Never anything in it! Then would go to our respective rooms, watch TV and call DPs. Unless he's picked up that you might be paranoid and is trying to overly reassure you? I wouldn't jump to say there is something dodgy but worth keeping an eye on.

Something is he home yet?