Is DH cheating?

[somethinganon]

Having read a million threads like this before it’s now my turn . I’m a regular, NCed. So:

DH has to travel to a not-distant European city every 2-4 weeks for work. He originally moaned about it a lot, and used to do a day trip only, to avoid being away from home too long. Then a few months ago he decided to do overnight trips instead, to make it less tiring. He also seemed to start enjoy going more, saying he really liked the city and the hotel he stays at. So far, so innocent, though there are other things that make me wonder.

The first was also a few months ago (not sure if same time as starting to stay overnight) – I was in bed one day and heard him clipping his hair in another bathroom, the night before he was going away. Sounds really silly I know but he HATES cutting his hair, always complains about it, and usually puts it off as long as possible. Before then I’d never known him to do it without announcing/moaning about it, and also doing it anywhere but in our en suite bathroom. I forgot about it at the time, but since then have noticed that he does his hair every time he goes away.

Also, he has a touch of mentionitis about a colleague of his, a woman in his team, let’s call her A. He does seem to talk about her more than any of his other colleagues, and I know they have been for drinks just the 2 of them. He also told me she is worried about her marriage. We both have close friends of the opposite sex so that doesn’t bother me, there’s just something about this that niggles.

I casually asked him who he usually travels with, he said “usually it’s just me but A is coming this time”. Later on I joked that he was just going away to get some alone time, he said “oh no, I’m not planning to see A out of work hours”, which was weird as I wasn’t even talking about her .

It doesn’t help that I’ve just looked her up and she is very attractive. However, I have never before had a reason not to trust him. A while ago we were going through a bad patch and I suggested we have a trial separation, he seemed genuinely devastated. We didn’t and are back on track, or so I assumed.

So, if this was you, would you be worried? Are there any other signs I should be looking out for?

He has just got home. Says he did nothing at all last night, which knowing him may well be true! Haven't had a chance to have a root around yet but will update if I find anything suspect

Try and check his call, text and internet history, emailstoo. Fingers crossed there is nothing to worry about

I work overseas a lot and I tend to put a bit more effort into my appearance when in Europe, as usually clients and colleagues are (very generally speaking) a bit more polished than in the UK. I'll blow-dry my hair properly, touch up my roots, iron pieces of clothing that don't really need it etc. Things I don't bother with so consistently here. Everyone I work with seems to do that to some extent. Spending more time there he might have just realised he looks a little sloppier than his peers? If he was doing it for this female colleague, surely he'd want to look good around her all the time, not only when they travel together?

I'm also far happier when I stay the night. For years I tried to do day trips because it felt like a waste of time to stay over, but when I finally gave myself a break it was pretty lovely.

Nothing here would really worry me. He told you A was travelling with him when you asked about travel companions and he's been responsive every time you've contacted him. If you have a gut feeling I'd keep paying attention for signs, but on the face of it it all sounds innocent to me.

I also wouldn’t be too worried in your situation on the face of it. It doesn’t sound as though he is being secretive or doing anything that really signals a problem. However, gut feelings are likely to be picking up on something and are hard to ignore, even if it’s just your DH’s fondness for this colleague in this case. I wonder if he also has some guilt about how carefree it is to stay in a hotel and go out to do whatever he wants whilst you’re at home - I used to feel a bit like that when I was enjoying myself at a nice restaurant and then I’d call DH and he’d be doing the ironing and eating leftovers for tea.

I have travelled a lot for work and become good friends with a number of male colleagues. At my company it’s not unusual for me to be the only female in a group of men or with one other male colleague at a hotel. I like the social aspect of having a drink and a meal after work when I’m away, and I’d be entirely comfortable having dinner for two with a bottle of wine with another colleague. Some of them I really like and enjoy their company and would make an effort to ensure we meet up and plan to do something nice, try out a new restaurant etc. I’d feel very sad if any of their wives were suspicious of that - I’m very happily married, probably talk about my DH too much, and wouldn’t tolerate any behaviour that crossed a line. My DH is fine with me working away and I like how some time apart makes us appreciate each other more. It would be miserable if he cross-examined me every time I went away or wanted to look at my phone to see who I’d been texting, even though I have nothing at all to hide.

Oooops – I left the tab open and he found the thread . He sent the dcs upstairs, turned to me and said “you’re an idiot” (in a nice way). We had a talk and a little cry. He says there is nothing going on and I completely believe him.

The part about crushes was particularly embarrassing, as I basically admitted to having them (though we’re always pretty open when we fancy celebrities/someone in the street etc). We didn’t name any names, and didn’t talk about A specifically. I do believe that some things are better left unsaid!

Anyway thanks all for listening to me, and dh is particularly grateful to those who told me I was being silly (again, in a nice way).

Also want to say to anyone who has been through this for real, even the slight suspicion has been awful.

As he was walking off he suddenly turned back and said “oh and hey, I’m not dribbly!” he is

In a way it’s probably good he found this thread, he had a chance to read and see it from others perspective. I’m pleased he reacted like a sensible adult, you had a chat and your mind is at rest

It's really nice to see a thread with a nice ending, especially the part where the OP and her husband had a reasonable adult conversation. That never happens on MN

And yet - the cynical part of me would wonder whey he didn’t specifically address your concerns about A.
Why he didn’t say - here - look at our messages. Or
If it bothers you - I won’t be doing drinks, dinners, etc with her.

No - some things being unsaid is not the best thing. Those unsaid things stay and grow. And come back.

You want to believe it’s all OK.
And I hope it it.

I too am cynical, like Januk

Two statements stand out - his initial "oh no, I’m not planning to see A out of work hours” and then he did "nothing at all last night" on his return.

But surely he would eat of an evening, would he not do that with a colleague from his own office? Wouldn't they be staying in same hotel, so very odd then to go and eat alone? I would actually say his statement about not seeing her out of work hours is unusual.

I work in a male dominated industry, am mid-fifties and so have been doing business trips with men for 30+ years, some for one night, some for longer.

I cannot recall ever doing 'nothing at all', when away with a colleague. We always need to eat, we are usually in same hotel, and we thus go out for an evening meal together.

Even on my last trip at end of Nov, with 2 guys and another female, all much younger than me, I ate with them both nights. First night out of hotel, they then went off drinking, I was tired and don't drink much, so headed back to hotel. Second day I wasn't feeling good, but after a snooze and a reviving shower, joined them in hotel restaurant for a meal before they headed off out and I went back to my room.

Maybe now you are having an open discussion, you can ask him why exactly he made those statements. What did he do when away if not eat with his colleague?

I'm so pleased for you OP. It all stacks up fine if you ask me, and whilst it's difficult not to be cynical when you hang out on heartbreak central mumsnet, you rarely see a poster with fewer reasons to worry.

Oh, and I travel quite a bit in my male dominated sector and often sack off my colleagues to order food to my room and watch box sets on my laptop. Or indeed share a bottle over dinner. Neither of these things should concern my dp!