AIBU to expect honesty in this case.

[NinaNoSleep]

As my name suggests, NC and up all of last night.

A bit of background.
I have lived with my OH for the last 8 years. We live in my house. Happy, good relationship, open, honest, built on respect. We are good friends and just get on really well. He is the nicest man. We work hard, have good friends, nice home, everything I could have wished for. We have 6 children between us, all grown up, all now living away. We have two grand-children. Happy families or so I thought!
My ExH cheated on me 20 years ago but life has been kind to me and has turned out so much better than if I had been with him.

So the issue is. My DP's adult children. Two have issues with drink which gets them into 'scrapes' and another has a serious issue which has meant moving out of his home, near marriage breakdown and running up debts.

DP and I have had many conversations about supporting his DC's but also about drawing a line around not enabling their behaviours. Over the last couple of months I have felt that my DP has become less open about his DC's. I have encouraged him to meet them without me so that he can talk openly with them but then I feel shut out and not part of the 'family'. DP is embarrassed by their behaviours and feels he doesn't want me to worry about them.

We have had very clear discussions about money. I feel strongly that he shouldn't be giving his DC's money to bail them out of the mess they are in. I know they ask, he has assured me he doesn't give them any.
His lack of communication about the whole situation has made me suspicious. Last night I read my DP's phone messages to find that he has given £500 to the son with serious issues with the message ' that is it, no more, that is the last time I support you financially' and then a week later has paid, on request from the same DC, for a train ticket.
I have asked in the past if he has given money. I suspect again he has despite my protests. He always says no he hasn't. I do take the 'tough love stance' with my own DC's.

Now I feel like I am a cheat too. We have easy access to each other's phone and haven't any need to read each other's messages. Last night I did just that!

I feel let down, he is saying one thing and doing another. I feel that he hasn't respected my thoughts on 'enabling' his DC's. I feel upset that we work hard to finance their mess. The consequences should be theirs not ours. I feel some of this reflects on my DP's parenting skills in the past and worry that he has always enabled his DC's. I feel that he nods his head and agrees with my 'tough love' stance then does something else. I feel an idiot, he must be saying to his DC's 'but don't let Nina know'. I know when we are all together conversations happen that I don't quite understand, like I am missing something. I feel that this is pulling us all apart.

I don't know what to do or how to tackle this. Left unsaid it will eat away. I am a great one for respect, once that starts to erode that is it for me. I haven't been respectful either.
He is at work, dreading him coming home.

It's a tough one. He should have been honest but he should also be able to financially support his DC if he wants to, and if he can afford too without you funding it too. You say he knows your thoughts on enabling them, which must be why he doesn't tell you. He values your respect and knows you have and would judge him harshly for doing this thing you disagree with. I can understand his reticence to tell, but you probably should have both agreed to disagree on the matter and have no more said about it anyway. It looks like he's decided where to draw his own line according to that message to his son.

Does DP contribute to your house, or do you have concerns about him not sharing enough of his money fairly with you?

If you can, please try to get some sleep before he comes home. That'll be a big help. It sounds like a difficult conversation but not an issue that should pull you apart if all else is good between you. Get some rest then you'll be better set to deal with it constructively.

Thank you both. The house we live in Fern - I pay the bills here but he spends on everything else, holidays, nights out, and the extras - Sky tv, some food shopping, sometimes petrol for my car. Money isn't an issue between us and if the arrangement we have didn't suit we would be able to have an easy conversation about it.

It's tricky. I think he wants to take a less "tough love" approach with his dc and bail them out a bit more (I would be the same ) but he doesn't want to fall out with you or lose your respect, so he's shutting you out of it.

You clearly do respect him though, so I think you need to sit down together and have a proper conversation where you bring everything out into the open and agree a way forward wrt supporting his children without you feeling as though their destructive behaviour is being enabled or him feeling as though he is abandoning them when they are struggling.

he should also be able to financially support his DC if he wants to, and if he can afford too without you funding it too.

I agree with this. Focus on you and him. Let him deal with his children and the mess they get into.

Of course he's embarrassed by it. I would be if my kids kept messing up.

As long as he's not draining your accounts help..leave it to him.

@Nina good that he pays his share. That aside, you definitely need honesty about large subsidies to his adult DCs. It sounds like he’s torn between head (don’t enable them) and heart.

My concerns aren't about the money, I hate the lies and deception. I would rather have agreed to disagree but seems he has agreed not to enable his DC's and then done his own thing. I don't know how to broach this. Do I admit I have read his messages?
I thought of making up an excuse about checking bank statements ( his and mine - separate accounts) ...we were thinking about to taking out a mortgage together...but none of his bank statements are here, all gone to be shredded.
Reading his messages makes me a cheat too?

Is it possible he's felt railroaded into lying? I wouldn't want to be told I couldn;t help my child...no matter HOW feckless the child.

It should be my choice.

It sounds as though the balance of your relationship has been that you deal with "the imporant" things like bills...whilst he gets the fun stuff.

Is that a reflection of your attitudes in life? Are you generally more forward planning and serious? Whilst he's a bit more of a throw caution to the wind type?

I honestly couldn't tell my partner or DH what to do regarding his own DC and money.

Obviously if it were leaving you short, then that would be different.

I think that it is your business what he is doing with his money if you are planning to take out a mortgage together. I don't think that your reading his messages exactly puts you in the 'cheat' category and you sought to read them because you had a nasty feeling that he wasn't telling you everything - and you were right.

What worries me is what if there's a dire financial situation with one of his children, requiring a lot of money from your partner? Would it mean that you will be the one then bailing your partner out in turn?

Maybe hold off getting a mortgage until this is resolved.

He doesn't feel comfortable cutting his children off from his support regardless of the conversations you have had. It's not necessarily that he doesn't agree with you, just that he is unable to enact it - it's hard to express that argument so he's agreed with you and carried on as normal. I bet he feels terrible but he's in a bit of a rock and a hard place situation which has resulted in him being dishonest.

I'd cut him some slack - if it is not affecting you financially then really, he should be doing with his money what he likes without having to necessarily justifying it to you.

I've just had another nasty thought: Is your home safe from your DP? I don't know anything about the law but don't live-in partners get certain rights after a period of time?

Obviously worst-case scenario but what if somehow his feckless children could get their hands on your property? He may be lovely but I don't think his children are necessarily as lovely as him.

Reading his messages wasn’t ideal, but sometimes you just need to know what you’re dealing with.

In your situation I would just say to him something like ‘It’s become obvious that there are a lot of discussions between you and your kids that I’m not privy to and that they’ve been told not to let me know about some things. It’s making me feel uncomfortable and separate from you and I don’t think it’s good for our relationship. No matter what they have done, they’re your kids and I’ll support them & you. We might have to agree to disagree on what’s best, but that’s better than any lies or deceptions’.

I see where you are coming from op. I have adult children and have a friend in a situation like yours. Remember that the children will always come first and your oh is probably feeling worse about this than you are.

Personally I wouldn't go down the secretive route of asking him about bank accounts etc as it's making the whole thing seem underhand. It is what is is... he loves you, he loves his children. The adult child has a problem and dad fixes it for him. Your oh knows he shouldn't and shouldn't enable but when our kids come to us for help it's so hard to say no.

Be gentle with yourself and oh he sounds like a wonderful partner and father too.

Try and put it out of your mind and I'm sure that one day your oh will bring up the conversation with you. Don't admit to looking at phone and don't look again as you have no relationship trust issues with him.

Good luck and deep breath. If I were you I would be a little mad at myself for letting this get to me..if you had a joint bank account and it was your money it's different

If your thinking about getting a mortgage with him put it off for a while until this blows over (which it will) as the joint mortgage situation will make you feel stronger about the situation as you both have that financial interest together

Good luck , relax and be happy x

I have grown up children and independent finances from my OH (we don't live together). I would hugely resent my partner telling me when and what I should give to my children - although to his face I might agree that, yes, I shouldn't give them a penny, I would always try to the best of my ability to smooth the path of life for them.

They aren't his children. He doesn't feel the same way about them, Of course he'd rather use the money to go on an expensive holiday rather than prevent a car becoming uninsured or to pay for travel to a job interview. But I prefer to help out my kids. Tbh though, they aren't feckless, they just suffer crises of money supply and (nearly) always pay me back. So I don't tell him. Because he'd tell me I was wrong and that they should always sort themselves out (which I know isn't always possible).

"don't live-in partners get certain rights after a period of time?"

No, that's not a concern. Different if they buy a house together but a worst case scenario that's different to the honesty issue now. As a pp said, have the conversation and hopefully he can speak honestly now and the air can be cleared.

Don't know what to think. TBH I am surprised that I seem to be out of touch with the general consensus of supporting adult DC's with money. In my family we might offer, we would never ask or expect to be asked. I accept that my DP feels differently about his DC's. We have had conversations in the past about how we support our 6 DC's when the one with the serious alcohol problems rang to ask us to buy furniture for the new GC nursery. We did agree that as we have 6 DC's between us we needed to think about how this would pan out equally for them all. We also talked at this point about agreeing to differ; he might buy furniture for his DC's, if that is the expectation in his family but I wouldn't for mine. He was very clear that he wanted to put in place something that we had agreed on, that moved ahead as one family rather than different approaches depending one which set of DC's.

I have been lied to. He has assured me he hasn't been giving money to his DC's.

Cathycake that is a lovely post and has me in tears. I just feel so let down. I thought we were a family, he wanted that too.

I get where he’s at. He’s agreec with you as it’s the logical response but in reality emotion has overruled logic.
Why not speak to him again should some more understanding.
You say he doesn’t respect your point of view but I think he does, but he doesn’t really want to obey you. It’s not up to you in the end.

Why not open a discussion by asking if he hasn’t been tempted to help his ds financially a bit? Saying that you would understand if he had. And ultimately you need to convince your dh that you won’t judge or bully him if he tells you the truth.

Of course there is also the advice from all involved in alcoholic recovery not to enable the alcoholic by bailing them out. They have to suffer the consequences of their actions. Just the stresses of this DC are pushing us apart something we haven't experienced. We are usually so close.

Feel really sad. I will talk to my DP not worked out how yet!

He clearly felt the need to hide it from you ...why?? He wants to do things his way with his kids...without it causing a problem with you...not unreasonable in the slightest..

Whatever the rights and wrongs of bailing out adult children, he has lied to you. I would feel betrayed and hurt if my dh lied to me, about anything. I like to think we don't have that kind of relationship, so I would be shocked and angry.

If it's going to be resolved without doing more damage, I think you have to have a frank conversation with him and let him know how badly he has fucked up here. Discussion about your differing views on how to support the dc should follow.

I would go down the honesty route, you are not a cheat for reading a few text messages!!!

Sit him down, tell him you were worried sensed something wasn't right and read the messages. Ask him gently why he didn't come to you and talk to you.

He is clearly ashamed of the situation, probably feel responsible for the awful outcome of his dc. Imagine for a moment your dc were in this dark and terrible place, would you really turn your back on them with tough love?

Would you not move heaven and earth to help them?

Given you have a lovely family, my guess is that he did not want to contaminate this with all of the worries and has tried to manage this himself and to shield you from some of the fallout.

Agree to help his dc, he needs your support.They need your support. The family doesn't just start and end with your unit, it does include his dc as well.

OP I think that you have inadvertently put him in a very difficult position. He is clearly trying to please everyone and this never works.

He obviously feels desperately sorry for his son who may have told him things that you don't know, that make the situation more desperate.

He feels torn between you and them, also ashamed, and cant bring himself to discuss it.

He may have something in his head where he has said its a "lone" so when he says he hasn't "given" money is sort of the truth.

I would advise, since you do not have money or relationship issues with DH, to cut him a massive bit of slack and help him out by allowing him to decide about giving money from his own conscience.