AIBU to expect honesty in this case.

[NinaNoSleep]

As my name suggests, NC and up all of last night.

A bit of background.
I have lived with my OH for the last 8 years. We live in my house. Happy, good relationship, open, honest, built on respect. We are good friends and just get on really well. He is the nicest man. We work hard, have good friends, nice home, everything I could have wished for. We have 6 children between us, all grown up, all now living away. We have two grand-children. Happy families or so I thought!
My ExH cheated on me 20 years ago but life has been kind to me and has turned out so much better than if I had been with him.

So the issue is. My DP's adult children. Two have issues with drink which gets them into 'scrapes' and another has a serious issue which has meant moving out of his home, near marriage breakdown and running up debts.

DP and I have had many conversations about supporting his DC's but also about drawing a line around not enabling their behaviours. Over the last couple of months I have felt that my DP has become less open about his DC's. I have encouraged him to meet them without me so that he can talk openly with them but then I feel shut out and not part of the 'family'. DP is embarrassed by their behaviours and feels he doesn't want me to worry about them.

We have had very clear discussions about money. I feel strongly that he shouldn't be giving his DC's money to bail them out of the mess they are in. I know they ask, he has assured me he doesn't give them any.
His lack of communication about the whole situation has made me suspicious. Last night I read my DP's phone messages to find that he has given £500 to the son with serious issues with the message ' that is it, no more, that is the last time I support you financially' and then a week later has paid, on request from the same DC, for a train ticket.
I have asked in the past if he has given money. I suspect again he has despite my protests. He always says no he hasn't. I do take the 'tough love stance' with my own DC's.

Now I feel like I am a cheat too. We have easy access to each other's phone and haven't any need to read each other's messages. Last night I did just that!

I feel let down, he is saying one thing and doing another. I feel that he hasn't respected my thoughts on 'enabling' his DC's. I feel upset that we work hard to finance their mess. The consequences should be theirs not ours. I feel some of this reflects on my DP's parenting skills in the past and worry that he has always enabled his DC's. I feel that he nods his head and agrees with my 'tough love' stance then does something else. I feel an idiot, he must be saying to his DC's 'but don't let Nina know'. I know when we are all together conversations happen that I don't quite understand, like I am missing something. I feel that this is pulling us all apart.

I don't know what to do or how to tackle this. Left unsaid it will eat away. I am a great one for respect, once that starts to erode that is it for me. I haven't been respectful either.
He is at work, dreading him coming home.

I think only a parent can truly decide about their own dc. You do not have that bond with them so can't really understand the depth of his feelings. He is probably being a fool helping them but he sounds generous and sometimes our best points can also be our weakest.
I don't think you need to give exactly the same to each dc. Some fall on hard times. Some are more independent. My dd did a 4 year course at college my ds a 3 year one. Do l need to even up what l paid..no!
I think you are on the wrong train of thought here. Maybe encourage your dp to go to alanon to gain insight but you cannot interfere in his relationship with his dc. I have said on many occasions with my dc..thats it now ..no more money but then something happens and l choose to give again. Its my money and l am making a freewill choice to give it.
I genuinely think you are too involved here.

Nina - Is it too late to offer your own DC some financial support?

And then tell your OH that as he feels free to give handouts to his DCs, then you feel that you are free to help yours?

Maybe it is all a learning curve. My DP is very keen that we are a family, that we are a couple with 6 DC's. He enjoys (and I do too) the times when they are all together with us. It is difficult therefore June to accept that I am too involved. For instance as far as all of the family are concerned I am grandma to the GC's even though I am not blood related.

We want to treat them all the same. I know that that doesn't mean they have to have exactly the same but there has to be some ground rules in this. Yes we help them at times, but for instance going back to the nursery furniture debate, neither of us wanted to pay out to one DC to then need to recind this later for all of the others. That really didn't feel fair based on the wants regarding furniture not being a real need.
We do support some of our DC's that are at uni.

My post was to ask about the discussion with my DP. I accept that there is a quite strong view that my DP can choose to financially support his DC's without me knowing and that I don't need to be part of that decision.

But this has changed our relationship, hopefully temporarily. The trust and openness has been challenged for the first time. Given the issues we do need to talk and reassess the relationship and decision making we have with our own DC's perhaps, rather than the 'one family' mentality which has served us up until now.

It is complicated, more so by the issues around dealing with alcoholism.

I haven't had a conversation with my DP yet, but will!

Alcoholism affects a whole family and dealing with it means looking at the family as a whole. I hope ye all come out of this stronger.

Thanks June.

l think your concerns are well-founded. I can understand why your OH would have kept quiet and also why this has deeply unsettled you. As I see it the key issue in this situation is that he is enabling a child with their own parental responsibilities to live beyond their means and to do so without them addressing their issue with alcohol. And in this instance I would not be prepared as a parent to keep helping out financially after the first or second time if I didn't see that my child was trying to help themselves get back on track. So there is a time and a place for tough love. And a real danger that your OH is inadvertently doing more harm in the long term by propping up his child.

Even though GC are affected by this maybe DC needs to hit or get near rock bottom in order to turn the situation around for themselves. The fact the DC is not curbing their spending or altering their lifestyle to fit their means suggests they are not facing up to their responsibilities.

I mean, to ask for £1000 to buy nursery furniture, rather than, say, asking for that sum to pay for essentials like the mortgage, or the utilities, sounds like a child unable to face up to reality as their thinking is clouded by the alcohol issues.

If your OH and you have an agreed plan of action going forward you can both perhaps rest easier and share the burden of worry.

As for each of your six children receiving exactly the same amount of support because you have to be fair to them all, I think it is fairer to yourselves to be more flexible. Taking the view that you will support each child when or if the situation arises and accepting that the level of financial support may vary due to the circumstances of each case, is kinder to you both in the long run, as is asking the question 'am I possibly not helping by putting my hand in my pocket?'

Ultimately, it is your money and DH's money and not your children's.

I think your OH sounds like a father with the best of intentions but who is torn. But also one who needs support and a gentle and kindly reality check, which you are now in the best place to give him. You have only checked up on his texts in order to find out what is troubling him as you have sensed something was not sitting right with him. So that was done with the best of intentions on your part.

I would not say I'd read them but approach the situation in such a way that he has the opportunity to tell you what he has been doing so you can have the discussion without having him getting blown off course with the conversation about you reading his texts.

An update! Nearly all weekend with no sleep!
I have talked to my DP. Your support slowed me down and made me realise I was being a little unreasonable so I hadn't had the conversation at all.

Anyway this weekend we have talked. It was low key and in the context of one of his other DC's doing something horrendous, again when drunk.
My DP giving money to his D. when I didn't know is almost irrelevant in the scale of things.
We are in shock about the other DC and whilst going over and over it my DP to questioned his own parenting. Very gently in that conversation i was able to talk about how he enables his DC's and how each time he supports them financially he bails them out. I asked directly if he has been giving his DC money and he admitted it, not just on that occasion but many others, including another time when I had suspected but he also strongly denied.
He didn't ask me how I knew but did say 'I just didn't want my DIL and GC to suffer'.
I remembered hearing him say that to our DIL so was able to say that I had made an informed guess based on overhearing him.

I expressed my disappointment in his lies to me. I said I feel he is pushing me out of his family by the secrets. I suggested again that we can agree to differ over how we support our DC's; that I would rather know even if it isn't what I would do.
We had a long conversation about 'enabling' and how as he continues to pay out, the issues with his DC's are getting worse as they are not accountable for their actions.

We are devastated currently but very strongly together on this.