DH told me he wouldn't be upset if we split up.

[chubbymummy]

Is anyone awake? I need a friendly ear and a hand to hold. Sorry this is rambly and probably a bit jumbled.

Our marriage has been on the rocks for years and we've briefly split up twice during that time. Things have deteriorated even further over the last few 6 months and have come to a head in the last few days.
Tonight I pushed him into sitting down to discuss things (he prefers to distance himself from me and bury his head in the sand). We talked for a long time and actually made progress on some of the issues. I was starting to feel positive and hoped that we could get things back on track once and for all.
Then I talked about some of my insecurities and I said that I feel as though he's embarrassed of me (I'm 41 and 6+ stone overweight) and sometimes I even feel as though he hates me. His reply was that he doesn't hate me but he feels indifferent and wouldn't be upset if we split up. He didn't say it in anger and couldn't understand my upset because he's 'just being honest' with me. When I asked him if he wants to try to fix things he said he doesn't know if he does or not.

It's like a knife through the heart and I'm absolutely devastated! I've felt unloved and worthless for years and now his comments confirm that this really is how he feels about me (and it's not just my low self esteem talking).
I think I'd rather him hate me than feel nothing for me, at least that way he'd have some sort of passion about me.
There is no fixing this is there? If he feels nothing for me then the marriage is dead.

How do I move on from this? We've been together for 17 years. We've had 13 years of marriage and have a 12 year old son.

He's fast asleep in the spare room while I'm wide awake trying to fight this overwhelming urge to climb into bed next to him and wrap my arms around him. I desperately want him to cuddle me and tell me he loves me and that everything will be alright. But he won't, and nothing will ever be alright again.

Big hug.

It's really hard when the realisation that it's the end hits. You will need to mourn your marriage, but you're right that it shouldn't go on.
You're better off on your own and being available for someone who does love you.

I should get to sleep now, but didn't want to leave it. Take care.

nothing will ever be alright again.

It will. It will be more than alright and much, much better than this feels now.

You need to just end it quickly so you can rebuild. Your self esteem being non existent is damaging you more every day. Get yourself out of it.

When my ex told me they didnt love me anymore i was gutted. It had been 10 years.

I thought my life was over.
Everything i knew was going to change and i didnt know how i was going to cope
It was hard, im not going to lie.
But as the weeks turnt to months i learnt that i was happier, that i wasnt shown love and i deserved better.

I was single over 2 years, i wasnt ready, but im now with a man who i love deeply and we are engaged.
He is wonderful and i am finally getting the love i deserve.

P.S.. Im about 8 stone over weight 🙊

I've felt unloved and worthless for years and now his comments confirm that this really is how he feels about me

I think you deserve better than this. Don’t you?

Honestly, I think indifference is the death-knell for a marriage. There’s nothing to ‘work with’.

I feel so sad for you, but I can’t see a way back.

I'm glad that things have worked out so well for you London and it's great that you've found happiness again.

At the moment I feel like I'll never be able to get out of bed again. I certainly don't ever want to give my heart to another person for as long as I live.

From a practical point of view I have no idea where to go from here!
I only earn £16,000 per year so have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford somewhere to live.

OP I feel for you, indifference is so cruel, at least hate means there’s some powerful emotion going on, I had a similar situation with an ex years ago and I couldn’t understand how all our passion had dwindled to nothing for him, I hope you can find some support

Thanks Husky.

I'm trying to tell myself that I deserve better but my brain and my heart are at war with each other.

I agree, the indifference is what's killing me the most. It's made everything so final and there's no reviving it. It's like giving CPR to a sock.

Yes, I know that feeling. Even knowing that you deserve better doesn’t help how terrible you feel. I remember having a physical sensation that a knife was being dragged around inside my stomach lining.

I don’t know what to say, except that you’re not alone and I’m so sorry.

Thanks user.

Unfortunately I don't have very many 'real' friends and I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone what's going on anyway.

Perhaps I need to add friends to my 'To Do' list.

1. Find somewhere I can afford to live
2. Decide what to say to DS
3. Make some friends

Yes, I feel as though I might be having a heart attack but I'm sure it's actually just anxiety.

There's no rush, but you shouldn't feel embarrassed over something that's so common.

You can probably make friends here, in the local section of Mumsnet, or by PM:ing some of those who've you've encountered here on MN.

What is your profession, and how old are you (approximately, you don't have to say the exact number)?

Oh, 41, I saw it. That's a great age to change track. At my old job, almost everyone of the women older than 40 had changed job and lifestyles at about that age.

If you can find some physically tiring activity, it will help you to get through this first feeling of loss, OP, and might also be a way of meeting people.

A friend of mine whose bf ditched her after 7 years throw herself into dance classes and swimming and it really helped.

What you shouldn't do, however, is to panic and rush off and put yourself in a financially difficult situation. There's no panic, you don't fight, you aren't in great danger more now than last week. Your salary is a little bit on the low side, you might want to consider what you want to work with for the next 25 years. I know several people who has retrained at an older age, around 40.

I don't want to say what my job is as it's quite identifying if someone I know reads my post. I love what I do though and it's the one thing I know I'm truly good at so I wouldn't want to give it up. Unfortunately it's really badly paid and I'm at the top of the pay scale so there's no chance of my wages increasing.

Lots of good advice already, I don't really have anything to add but a handhold.

Change is scary, but sometimes necessary. You deserve to be loved and you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

💐

Then you'll need to work out how to live more cheaply (within the salary). I like to Google "compact living" and see all the great ideas there are (I think this is a reminiscence of having had a doll's house to play with as we all had in my generation).

I agree with the don't rush approach, sometimes when a long term relationship has problems each argument or situation chips away at the love until eventually all that remains is apathy and habit. Fixing it can seem like a lot of hard work and both partners need to really want to.

I guess you have to look at what your problems have been about in the past and look at whether they were resolved at the time or swept under the carpet and left to fester. Some people don't discuss problems very well and will avoid talking about emotions and sometimes when we ask for honesty we don't like what we hear. Counselling can be a safe place to this together or alone.

If he hated you it would give you something to rage about but would no doubt cause other problems, its difficult to rage against someone who is indifferent. Give yourself time the bigger stuff can come later.

So sorry op that's rubbish would you both be open to seeing a counsellor do you think ? I agree don't rush anything do you own your home or rent? Why do you think you would have to leave not your husband? On a practical note go on entitled to websites and it will show what benifits you may get you could apply for child and working tax credits and your husband will have to pay maintenance. Try and rest as much as you can you have had a awful shock. Do u
You have any family you can get support from? And please don't be embarrassed

Why would you have to find somewhere to live? He can move out and help you ensure that continuity continues for your DC. Of course it's a shock that he's indifferent to you. But best to know. Always best to know. Then you can start concentrating on you and DC and making changes which will help YOU move forwards.

Dont worry about money , if you earn 16k, you'll get a big chunk of tax credits weekly plus maintenance for your son. That'll make up your income quite a bit. The practical stuff, like setting up a new home and settling into a new routine will help you through the first months when it's toughest. I would do a calculation on entitledto or the benefits calculator on direct gov. Depending on where you live, social housing might be an option. I'm a bit of an expert on benefits and the social housing system and that knowledge saved my daughter and I from suffering too much when I left my ex with two bin bags of clothes, no car and no money after 10 years (he kept everything, even the dogs) got keys to a flat in a few weeks, within a year we had a lovely home and were able to afford a little holiday (my income was 14.5k) So don't think you cant do this . Good luck you are worth more than him.

Go and see a solicitor - most will give you a free half hour for a first session and find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a divorce so that you can start making financial arrangements.

You need to be practical and positive. I agree you should take up some exercise - just walking an hour a day if you can't afford to go swimming/ gym etc. - is enough and that there's no rush here. Don't reveal all your cards to your husband yet, at the moment he's indifferent but you'd be surprised by how much (negative) passion can suddenly spring up when people realise their cosy indifferent arrangement is about to change and it's going to cost them something.

Sending you a hug. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and it will be a good one. You are worth more than this.

Thanks everyone.

Sleep I'll need to move out because I can't afford to live here. I'll need to find a small 2 bedroom flat.
DH is going out for the afternoon and evening so I think I'll move all his stuff into the spare room while he's gone. He won't like it and will expect me to be the one to move but I have way too much stuff to fit in there and I'll need a space to call my own until I can move out of the house. He has a games room he can use as a bolt hole but I have nowhere at the moment.

I'll have a good look at that benefits calculator too. Thanks for telling me about that.
I don't want to include child maintenance in my calculations when I'm working out my finances because I'm going to have to think long term. DS is almost 13 so that means I'll only have 5 years worth of payments before it stops and I don't want that to leave me in a mess.
I'm not going to be able to afford to keep the dog which is heartbreaking. On a practical level it will be impossible too. I'll be living further away from work and won't be able to nip home to see to him at dinner time. He wouldn't cope with a small flat either, he's a big dog and needs a lot of space.

I have to go into town today so I think I'll pick up some bits to make my bedroom feel like my own. There are photos of DH and I that need to go but bare walls will haunt me. I can't afford to spend much but I'm sure I can find a canvas of a tropical island or something that will give me daydreaming inspiration.

I feel sick and have a banging headache due to lack of sleep but I'm trying to think practically.
My husband might not care about me but it's time I started caring about myself.

Hugs OP and you are doing the right thing