DH told me he wouldn't be upset if we split up.

[chubbymummy]

Is anyone awake? I need a friendly ear and a hand to hold. Sorry this is rambly and probably a bit jumbled.

Our marriage has been on the rocks for years and we've briefly split up twice during that time. Things have deteriorated even further over the last few 6 months and have come to a head in the last few days.
Tonight I pushed him into sitting down to discuss things (he prefers to distance himself from me and bury his head in the sand). We talked for a long time and actually made progress on some of the issues. I was starting to feel positive and hoped that we could get things back on track once and for all.
Then I talked about some of my insecurities and I said that I feel as though he's embarrassed of me (I'm 41 and 6+ stone overweight) and sometimes I even feel as though he hates me. His reply was that he doesn't hate me but he feels indifferent and wouldn't be upset if we split up. He didn't say it in anger and couldn't understand my upset because he's 'just being honest' with me. When I asked him if he wants to try to fix things he said he doesn't know if he does or not.

It's like a knife through the heart and I'm absolutely devastated! I've felt unloved and worthless for years and now his comments confirm that this really is how he feels about me (and it's not just my low self esteem talking).
I think I'd rather him hate me than feel nothing for me, at least that way he'd have some sort of passion about me.
There is no fixing this is there? If he feels nothing for me then the marriage is dead.

How do I move on from this? We've been together for 17 years. We've had 13 years of marriage and have a 12 year old son.

He's fast asleep in the spare room while I'm wide awake trying to fight this overwhelming urge to climb into bed next to him and wrap my arms around him. I desperately want him to cuddle me and tell me he loves me and that everything will be alright. But he won't, and nothing will ever be alright again.

Just read the thread, you are being level headed about this. A fresh start sounds like a good thing for you and there's someone out there for you to appreciate you and give you the love that you deserve

I'm so sorry to read this OP, it must be absolutely devastating for you. Some men just trundle along in a marriage that they consider to be dead because it's 'less work' than having to make a decisive move to either improve it or get out. That' why your husband is calm about this; he's come to terms with the end of your marriage a while ago but didn't let you know. That' hurtful.

You've had good advice about benefits calculators and how to go about a move so I'm just going to comment on your 'banging headache'... drink water. Keep a bottle of it with you and keep sipping. Eating isn't as important as hydration because that can make you feel really lousy and ill very quickly. Keep drinking water.

You've hit the nail on the head lying. It's incredibly hurtful that he doesn't care enough to make the effort to fix things but it's devastating to realise that he checked out of the marriage a long time ago and didn't even afford me the decency of telling me.
For a while now it's as though he's been living a life that I'm only in the background of. I'm sure if I hadn't forced the conversation last night then he would have carried on this way until DS had left school, or more likely until he'd had his head turned by somebody else (if he hasn't already).

I can't stop thinking that if I was slimmer, prettier and younger he wouldn't have fallen out of love with me. It's eating away at me and every time I catch sight of myself in the mirror I think 'what's to love?'.
I need to keep telling myself that I'm worth more than this. If I tell myself enough perhaps I'll even start to believe it.

You are worth more than this 😀

Check the benefits calculator and start making plans to live again with someone who loves you, bumps and all.

Also, if you have time, pop along to Citizens Advice and they can chat you through any benefits to which you will be entitled.

I do sympathise,op; I'm in a similar situation. It sucks.

See a solicitor ASAP about what you are entitled to. Do you have a mortgage or rent? If there are assets in the house (profit) then you are entitled to some of that and you should be entitled to stay in the house if you have a child and he will still need to pay his share of the mortgage. Before you make any assumptions go and get good advice. You’ll be entitled to a share of his pension, maintenance and a share of any assets.

My husband might not care about me but it's time I started caring about myself.

I love this! You can do it. Rooting for you.

Hi OP

I’m really sorry you are going through this - I am in a similar situation and I know how much it hurts.

I just wanted to recommend a book that I have found really useful - it’s a bit ‘American self- help’ in parts, but it is a really practical book with lots of suggestions for things to do to help get through this. It’s ‘getting past your break up’ by Susan J Elliott.

Been there, OP. It sucks. Much better when it is officially over, and you can move on, free from being with someone who barely acknowledges your existence. Indifference is soul destroying

You mention in your original post that your marriage has been on the rocks for years and you have already split up twice.

I think from reading that, it was probably over years ago but it has taken this discussion for the realisation to hit you. He is being honest which is what everyone wants. Nothing worse than someone saying "don't be daft of course I love you etc etc" like so many men do.

It is tough but it does sound like it's over so you need to plan ahead.

Work out how much income you need every month and take it from there. Do you have assets as they will be split.

Why don’t you do something for yourself op. Having been over weight myself due to an unhappy relationship I used the feeling of rejection to spur me on to get fitter. It can be a very motivational force. This helped my self confidence and helped me to make positive decisions about what I wanted for the future. I remembered I was worth something and that I was worthy of being treated better. Start small be it just a lunchtime walk in the sunshine or if you are already into fitness some different food choices to get your sparkle back. Have a look at some pictures of when you felt happy and confident and find that person again. Do what she did wear what she wore and act how she acted. Fake it if you have to while you are finding her. It worked for me

Tell him to trot off then and not look back. What a nasty thing to say
You will dump more than 6 stone by leaving him.
Your weight will drop when you look after yourself away from this man who is wrecking your self esteem.

Hello OP - how did you get on today ? Thinking of you

Thanks for all your kind comments and sorry to hear that some of you are going through the same sort of thing.
I've moved his wardrobe and dressers into the spare room and made it really cosy in there. He walked in took one look and said he was going to stay at his friends for the night.
DS was upset when he walked out and asked if we are going to get divorced. I answered him honestly and said that yes, there's a good chance we will. He is upset but accepts that it's probably the best thing for us all. He made an angry comment (complete with swearing) about how his Dad is usually out anyway and would rather be with his mates than have 'family time'. I ignored the swearing and reassured him that his Dad loves him and it isn't him that he's avoiding spending time with. I wish DH had heard what DS said but I know if he repeats it now DH will think that I've manipulated him.

I've done well today but now DS is asleep I'm struggling to stay strong. My eyes are sore from crying and I desperately want to phone DH and beg him to come home.
I won't let myself do it though, if he doesn't want to be here then it's best that he isn't.

I tried going to bed but my brain just wouldn't switch off. I ended up rearranging my bedroom because I couldn't stand looking at the gaps where his things should be. I'm now downstairs watching Celeb Big Brother. I know I won't get much sleep tonight and that's stressing me out as I've got a funeral to attend in the morning.
On the plus side my diets going well as I'm completely off my food. My stomach feels like I've done a thousand crunches because my muscles are tight with anxiety. Must google to see if anxiety has the same impact as sit ups.

I'm so sorry. You will be fine, and you sound very strong to me. Just take things one step at a time Holding your hand

for you.

You sound like an amazingly strong and level headed woman. Wishing you all the best for you and your son, whatever the future may bring x

Just wanted to say I think you sound absolutely lovely and you and your son are going to be more than just fine, you will find yourself again, regain that self love that gets eroded bit by bit when you live with someone who doesn't care, isn't interested in you and is callous enough to check out but still enjoy the home comforts you provide. Just no!! You have done exactly the right thing re moving his stuff, retaking control of YOUR life is wonderful, I think you will be looking at him with contempt pretty soon as there is nothing to like about a selfish,cold,manchild You sound warm,funny, intelligent go get the wonderful life that you and your son deserve

Bless you @chubbymummy . You are doing so well. Have you thought that needing DH might be a habit rather than an actual NEED? Just typing that for you to have a think about xxx

Thank you for your lovely comments, I've just had another cry reading them. It feels like a long time since I heard nice things about myself.
DH has just come home (I asked him to be back in time for me leaving for the funeral) and he's taking DS out for the day. I'm annoyed that he's gone straight into Disney Dad mode. He wouldn't have wanted to do anything as a family today if I'd been around.
This is going to be my life from now on though isn't it. I'll do the parenting and he'll just do the fun bits. Better for DS I suppose but god it makes me angry when I was the one picking up the pieces last night!
I'm probably just bitter because I'm going to be having a shitty day while they have fun together. I want to be part of it and it really stings that DH enjoys life better when I'm not there.

Aw OP hope today is going okay. Soon you’ll have moved on (I know it seems hard to imagine now) and you’ll be having much more fun without stbxh. I know you’ll find someone new. Take each day at a time.

P.S. I call your diet the heartbreak diet - you’ll lose 12-14 stone of useless weight and feel a lot better for it? (If you see what I mean!)

Hope you have got through today OK so far OP.

I just wanted to say that you come across as such a warm hearted, funny woman ( your comment about googling whether anxiety was the same as ab exercises really made me smile). I was in a similar situation late last year and you are far more coherent than I could manage!

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat - I have also lost a lot of friends over the years ( have a plan though and been googling local meet ups!) so I’m always up for an email chat

Op you are amazing xx

I wish I was as strong as you xxx

Hi chubbymummy how are you, hope you are doing alright, please know that there are people on here who want to help/ give a listening ear