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Original poster

Dp and mental health issues - need help considering my options

49 replies

NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 13:57

have name changed just because I don't know if dp uses mumsnet!

dp has always been open and honest with me about his peculiarities. He does not have his own children and we don't live together. He has never been diagnosed with anything (but has never sought a diagnosis) though he has attended sessions of therapy and it's likely he has OCD.

It manifests itself not in the overly clean/tidy way (though he is) but in that he has certain areas that he is sensitive about, and one of them is sleep. So he has a routine before he goes to bed and he finds it hard if it is different. It doesn't stop him going away, we have been away together and he actually enjoys travelling.

for example, I have this cold/flu bug doing the rounds at the moment. Exh had the dcs last night and dp volunteered to come round and pick me up and go to his flat where he would cook dinner for me and basically let me veg on the couch while he looked after me. As I was feeling so crap and welcomed someone else cooking, I went.

All lovely and fine until bed time when I asked to keep the heating on and he looked absolutely panic stricken. Turns out he never has the heating on at night, starts reeling off loads of studies saying it's bad for you. I know it's not great but I'm ill and his flat is very open, large spaces, and is utterly freezing without it on. By then I'm in pyjamas, he's in pyjamas and I'm too ill/tired to walk back so he gave me an extra duvet and that was that.

it's a minor example but it is an example of how his mind works. If something interferes with his routine/life the way he wants it, he will not be compromising and I'm not sure whether I can cope with that (i just have in my head, what if it was something important)

just wondering if anyone has any experience with this as other than this issue, he is a lovely man,he definitely loves me and I could see he felt terribly conflicted last night (though that doesn't change the outcome, the heating stayed off!).

OP posts:
Offred · 03/01/2018 14:35

IMO it is never a good idea to get in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have their shit together, no matter how lovely they seem, it’s a recipe for disaster.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 03/01/2018 14:52

Is he perhaps autistic?

Zarathrustra · 03/01/2018 15:01

offred

IMO it is never a good idea to get in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have their shit together

Erm, from where did you get the idea the OPs partner ‘doesn’t have their shit together’?

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:12

From her OP. He has undiagnosed, untreated and poorly managed (through the use of maladaptive coping mechanisms) MH issues which have a significant impact on his life.

MH problems are not an issue it is that he hasn’t got his shit together re managing them.

Zarathrustra · 03/01/2018 15:18

And that’s your inference.

From the OP, the parter has profound difficulties, which he manages through reducing the demands placed on himself, and as such he is able to have an independent life, to form relationships, to travel, and so on.

Always better to recognise the positive, than to look for the negative. From a relationship perspective certainly :)

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:23

I disagree.

The question for me would be ‘do I want choose a life that may well end up being ruled by this, with a person who is not in treatment?’

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:24

Maybe there is a benefit in trying to emphasise the positives providing you don’t ignore the negative effects on you if you have been married a good long while, but a boyfriend that you don’t live with? No.

SandyY2K · 03/01/2018 15:25

Best not to live with him in this case....but I would have thought you'd be warm enough under 2 duvets ...even if the house itself is chilly.

Heating on overnight isn't a good thing.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 03/01/2018 15:26

He manages 'his shit' by routine, certain quirks which he admits to and is filled with anxiety when asked ti come out this comfort zone. Ninkam, have a look online for an autistic spectrum checklist and see if he relates to anything.

Zarathrustra · 03/01/2018 15:31

And that’s a different issue; it speaks to the level of tolerance that someone is prepared to show for someone else’s difficulties - which of course is entirely to the individual, but it’s not about a partner ‘not having their shit together’.

And you do know that if the partners difficulties stem from ASD (as suggested above), they can’t be treated, but merely managed (which the partner in this case appears to be doing rather well at)

Zarathrustra · 03/01/2018 15:33

My previous post in response to offred

StormTreader · 03/01/2018 15:36

It could just be that hes set in his ways? You say you dont live together, has he ever lived with anyone?
Im not sure that "panic over my lovely comfortable routine changing" = "must be autism/OCD". I'd think that if it was OCD, it wouldnt stop because hes away on holiday?

JessicaEccles · 03/01/2018 15:40

This is really sad. He sounds exactly like me- and I am not in a relationship because of the same fears that I am too 'weird', too 'odd' for a relationship with someone nice.

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:40

Yes 🙄 I have a daughter on the spectrum. I am replying to the OP’s post re possible OCD/MH issues...

It is not a separate issue. As per my previous post, the issue I am remarking on re not having his shit together is that he hasn’t sought diagnosis or treatment and the way he manages whatever it is already, at the early stages of the relationship, causing concern for the OP.

This is a boyfriend that she doesn’t live with. It is not about ‘tolerating someone else’s difficulties’ it is about whether you want to continue in a relationship that, in the early stages is causing concern re MH issues and where the person has not been proactive in seeking support.

It is also about how trying to get someone to take proactive steps re their mental health in the early stages of the relationship immediately causes a risk of creating a parent/child dynamic that is not healthy and how if you are going to be in a relationship with anyone you have to accept you cannot change them and that you have to take them as they are.

Trailedanderror · 03/01/2018 15:41

I would utterly panic if a guest wanted the heating on overnight. Not from MH reasons but because it'd make me feel really ill the following day.

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:42

One of the main issues is because he hasn’t sought diagnosis the op can’t know what she may be dealing with.

Armchair diagnosis of ASD over the internet on the basis of him relying on routines is really quite Hmm too.

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:43

I don’t think it is about the heating per se, it’s about the OP being unsure whether she can deal with his inflexibility.

Offred · 03/01/2018 15:46

But yes, as sandy says one option would be to plan not to live together.

Original poster
NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 15:49

hi - sorry it was a mental health professional who suggested he might have OCD, not me thinking that. I will look at the autism link you provided but I don't think it's that. Having looked up OCD, he definitely has a lot of the characteristics.

He has lived with one person but I do wonder how on earth he managed. And he's in his 50s....he is happy to have me round his flat though. My dcs are older so they aren't a factor.

half of me thinks like Offred - and thinks this can only spell trouble

and another part of me thinks that he is a fabulous partner 90% of the time, does that 10% matter (and would there be a critical issue which would break it where he doesn't want to compromise)

Jessica, sorry it's touched a nerve for you x

OP posts:
Original poster
NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 15:52

yes it isn't about the heating, it's just an example because it's part of his routine that it goes off therefore it has to go off if that makes sense

whilst all of this is now fairly innocuous, I just don't know if there would come a point where it could be something that was important to me etc.

OP posts:
Offred · 03/01/2018 16:02

Have you asked him how he managed?

Sleepymcsleepyson · 03/01/2018 16:04

I'm not sure his coping mechanisms are maladaptive though. I can see why you would struggle in a relationship like this though, I would as well. Maybe he would have viewed it as managing the situation quite well on his part by giving you an extra duvet?

Offred · 03/01/2018 16:08

He’s not seeking support/treatment and is using avoidance (doing the routines to lessen anxiety). If it is OCD then this is maladaptive.

Original poster
NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 16:11

She had kids (which I find amazing as I can't imagine him tolerating small children and their accompanying mess). Apparently they moved into a big house together where (in his words) everyone had their own space. Sounds like they had 2 living rooms (one for the kids, one for adults). It's difficult because I'm only hearing one side of the story. He did say if I wanted to speak to this woman, I could. Apparently she sends him a catch up email once a year to let him know how she is and how the kids are. No-one else was involved in the break up and they parted amicably (apparently). Interestingly, she was a nurse and he seems to think it made her a lot more tolerant of him and some of his 'quirks'.

Since then he has only dated (by coincidence) women without kids and has never felt strongly enough to want to move in with someone and has not had another long relationship.

he has introduced me to his family and his friends - he is very polite, decent, kind, helpful.

But I can see the potential for issues. On holiday, he was visibly more anxious as he wasn't in his comfort zone, but he went out of his way to make sure we both had a lovely time. He had gone to the GP before we went away and they had suggested he take piriton at night to help with his sleeping if he was struggling so he does seek help if he needs it.

I am just in 2 minds about how this might all play out as I suspect we are still in the early stages and he is in that best behaviour time and perhaps if things start going wrong, or something happens that disrupts his routine, he's going to find it a lot harder.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 16:15

and yes, in his mind, giving me an extra duvet would have been seen as a perfect solution to a problem

I have had words with him about compromise, and also about potential inflexibility. He says his job (he works for himself) means he has the ability to be a lot more flexible if need be but he doesn't get that I am not talking about physical flexibility but situational/emotional flexibility.

i do think at some point there will be an issue. Or probably more than one. I am conflicted about whether I can cope with that or not as I don't have experience of this but I can see how it could be hugely problematic.

one thing I could do is insist he continues getting help if we are going to continue seeing each other - but I also don't want to be drawn into me being the one that insists on him getting treatment

OP posts: