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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dp and mental health issues - need help considering my options

49 replies

NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 13:57

have name changed just because I don't know if dp uses mumsnet!

dp has always been open and honest with me about his peculiarities. He does not have his own children and we don't live together. He has never been diagnosed with anything (but has never sought a diagnosis) though he has attended sessions of therapy and it's likely he has OCD.

It manifests itself not in the overly clean/tidy way (though he is) but in that he has certain areas that he is sensitive about, and one of them is sleep. So he has a routine before he goes to bed and he finds it hard if it is different. It doesn't stop him going away, we have been away together and he actually enjoys travelling.

for example, I have this cold/flu bug doing the rounds at the moment. Exh had the dcs last night and dp volunteered to come round and pick me up and go to his flat where he would cook dinner for me and basically let me veg on the couch while he looked after me. As I was feeling so crap and welcomed someone else cooking, I went.

All lovely and fine until bed time when I asked to keep the heating on and he looked absolutely panic stricken. Turns out he never has the heating on at night, starts reeling off loads of studies saying it's bad for you. I know it's not great but I'm ill and his flat is very open, large spaces, and is utterly freezing without it on. By then I'm in pyjamas, he's in pyjamas and I'm too ill/tired to walk back so he gave me an extra duvet and that was that.

it's a minor example but it is an example of how his mind works. If something interferes with his routine/life the way he wants it, he will not be compromising and I'm not sure whether I can cope with that (i just have in my head, what if it was something important)

just wondering if anyone has any experience with this as other than this issue, he is a lovely man,he definitely loves me and I could see he felt terribly conflicted last night (though that doesn't change the outcome, the heating stayed off!).

OP posts:

Offred · 03/01/2018 16:22

This is exactly why I said re ‘hasn’t got his shit together’ TBH. How can you possibly know whether you can cope if he doesn’t know what the issue is? You can’t really know what to expect or how you can support him in dealing with it.

If it is OCD then a combination of meds and CBT might really help. He’s managed it until his fifties with very little help, though it does sound as though it has impacted his work and his relationships in at least a small way, which is sad.

The thing I would worry most about is how living with him might affect my DC.

Offred · 03/01/2018 16:25

I think the best bet is to continue as you are tbh, don’t ask him to get treated as it may change the dynamic of the relationship, accept him for who he is, don’t make plans to move in, see if anything big does crop up and be prepared to break up with him if it ends up being an issue.

Original poster

NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 16:28

the dcs are older teenagers - on verge of leaving home - but they will still need A home somewhere

I think it is sad and I didn't want to say it to him, but I am surprised that he was offered so little outside assistance (but then who knows what goes on between GP/patient). He referred himself to counselling but you also never know whether someone has reached out to the right place. I am in the middle of trying to access mental health support for an adult member of my family and I've been saddened by how hard it is - if it wasn't for me, this other adult would not have carried on pushing for help.

it's very easy for something like this to be managed in your day to day life if you run your own business and live on your own. Any sort of mental health problem only really appears when you try and factor in other people :) and other situations.

I just wonder how much he realises this is the case

anyway, thanks, it was useful talking this out. I think what I am going to do is be brutally honest about what the issue is and see what he says. That gives him the option of getting further treatment or saying 'this is me, take it or leave it' and then I will have to make a decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 16:30

sorry cross posted, no plans to move in - won't be in a hurry to make any of those type of decisions

OP posts:

KenForPM · 03/01/2018 16:32

If he is willing to get help then that’s a good thing.

I am a bit sick of people pulling the “could he have ASD?” card for any slight issue though. OP has mentioned ONE issue. Yes routine is important to those with ASD but also to those with OCD. OCD is characterised by routines and rituals eg flicking lights on and off/washing hands/checking doors are locked or whatever.

JessicaEccles · 03/01/2018 16:44

The reason it resonated with me is that I have ASD. I also have rigid bedtime rituals and would be near hysterical if the heating was on overnight .

I don't see all this as 'maladaptive'- in fact it makes me happy and means I can lead a much more normal life.

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 16:50

He sounds like a difficult inflexible person

I wouldn't have a relationship with him. Why compromise or make excuses for him? Find a man who doesn't have these issues

Fairylea · 03/01/2018 16:51

What other sorts of things does he do? What’s the other routines?

I am very set in my ways and there’s no way in hell I would put the heating on overnight. I’d never be able to sleep! And I’d worry about it too. Ridiculous maybe but I think when it’s your own home you have ways you do things and it’s hard to meet someone half way!

If it’s just the heating thing then that doesn’t seem too much of a big deal... what other stuff does he do?

WombOfOnesOwn · 03/01/2018 17:02

I'm American and have never heard of this "it's bad to have the heat on overnight" idea. How preposterous! I've lived in places where it hit -40 degrees in the late-night hours, and the heat had to be on round-the-clock lest the pipes freeze.

What is this entire idea about it being "bad" to have heating on in the coldest part of the night?

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 17:20

I turn the heating off overnight because I wake up too hot otherwise but then it doesn't get to minus 40 in the UK

Offred · 03/01/2018 17:36

The reason it resonated with me is that I have ASD. I also have rigid bedtime rituals and would be near hysterical if the heating was on overnight smile.

I don't see all this as 'maladaptive'- in fact it makes me happy and means I can lead a much more normal life.

That’s because ASD is very different to OCD. With OCD it is maladaptive coping to rely on performing your rituals (compulsively) in order to manage your anxiety. It creates a reinforcing feedback loop that actually can make the problems persist longer and get worse. It might relieve your anxiety temporarily in the short term but it does not help your MH.

With ASD, certainly with my daughter anyway, routines, tactical withdrawals and space from others can actually help you cope with your anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. It’s a part of actually managing it effectively.

Intercom · 03/01/2018 17:43

spectrumnews.org/news/sweeping-study-underscores-autisms-overlap-with-obsessions/

People with OCD are more likely than average to also have ASD, and vice versa. There could also be a genetic link between the conditions.

LadyDeadpool · 03/01/2018 17:51

He sounds like a difficult inflexible person

How? OP says here " On holiday, he was visibly more anxious as he wasn't in his comfort zone, but he went out of his way to make sure we both had a lovely time." Hardly inflexible.

OP if you can't cope with his routines then find someone else, I have diagnosed OCD among other things and I still stick to my routines despite medication and I do have my shit together.

Offred · 03/01/2018 17:53

They are still distinct conditions though.

That is interesting though and makes sense.

I don’t think it’s too helpful to get into diagnosing though. A MH professional suggested it is OCD and it does sound more like that than ASD TBF.

It’s moot anyway, it’s him that has to decide whether he wants to seek diagnosis/support not the OP and there’s massive dangers in just assuming things for the OP.

Offred · 03/01/2018 17:55

Lady - you have a diagnosis and treatment though. The op’s OH doesn’t. That’s the not having your shit together part. It’s not the having of MH issues in the first place.

FWIW I also have OCD and it runs in my family.

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 18:00

If I had my boyfriend visiting and he was sick and he was cold in my house overnight then I'd leave the heating on for him if he asked. Insisting it had to be turned off sounds inflexible to me.

OliviaBenson · 03/01/2018 20:04

Have you other examples?

To be honest I'm with him in terms of the heating. He gave you an extra duvet. Unless you were ill with hypothermia I don't understand why this bothers you?

Original poster

NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 20:20

because the heating thing is part of his routine. It's not because he has a general health issue with heating but it's because this is what he always does. It's an inflexibility thing.

I'm trying to think of other things. He likes eating out (as do I) but he is only comfortable if he has specific tables in restaurants. He can sit on other ones but it bothers him. They need to be in certain areas of space. He doesn't seem comfortable at my house because things are not in the same order/tidiness as his house.

e.g. last night when I was ill it would have been far easier if he came here and made me dinner etc. but he would rather I was at his

He spoke to his therapist about all of this quite early on and she said to him, if you don't feel comfortable going round her house, then just don't go round there which did make me wonder what sort of therapy he was having!

OP posts:

Zarathrustra · 03/01/2018 21:27

So he has sought, and is engaging with, treatment.

Original poster

NinkamDinkam · 03/01/2018 22:05

He was in a period of therapy when I met him. He gets job lots of 10 sessions and he was in one of those. That has finished and he has not gone back for more. Doesn't mean he won't but he needs to engage with them to start another job lot of sessions and he hasn't done that as yet.

OP posts:

Gacapa · 04/01/2018 00:48

I seem to attract/fall for men like this. It was, for me, utterly draining. I'd find I'd apparently done things - for instance, using two sheets of kitchen roll instead of one, overfilled the kettle, put something slightly out of place - and it was like an onslaught. I've also done the thing of getting to a pub/restaurant/cinema and we've had to come home because the right seats weren't available. It sucked the joy out of life and made me feel inadequate and like I was constantly walking on egg shells.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can't live like that. Incompatible compulsions lead to misery, imo.

Intercom · 04/01/2018 01:08

I would suggest another visit to the surgery, preferably seeing a different GP this time. You could also offer to go with him. It sounds like he becomes anxious if unable to complete his routines, and that is treatable. IF (and I'm not qualified to diagnose) it's OCD, this may respond to medication and CBT (a form which is specifically tailored to OCD). If it seems difficult to access help or diagnosis, you could ask one of the charities for more info, e.g. Anxiety UK, OCD UK or OCD Action. You could also make a one-off appointment to see a private psychiatrist who will be able to rule out or confirm the reason your DH is experiencing this.

Intercom · 04/01/2018 01:09

Sorry, should say DP not DH.

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/01/2018 12:40

Ninkam I think you might be with my OH! He's exactly the same (but has ASD). A lot of your post resonates (the 'prescribed seat in restaurants' etc). My OH is aware that his behaviour is, for want of better words 'not normal', which makes it easier to cope with somehow. How does your OH react when you point out that he is in the minority with his behaviour? Does he acknowledge that he might be a bit inflexible? Does he want to change to fit better with you?

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