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Original poster

Eating in the bedroom

30 replies

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 09:39

Hi, my partner and I are falling out regularly with regards to her 18 year old son and eating his dinner in his bedroom.
He has been diagnosed with autistic issues (Social skills being 1 of them) and spends virtually all his time in his room playing games on his PC / Xbox. He doesn't work!
I said he should eat at the table (I never ate in my bedroom and neither did my children) to help him develop his social skills and to get him out of his bedroom occasionally but his mother seems to think its normal for children to eat in there bedroom.

Am I so out of touch? What do other people think?

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 03/01/2018 09:48

My 21 yo stepson does this and it drives me nuts. I wouldn’t mind so much if he cleared his own plates afterwards, but his Mum won’t push the issue so I have to put up with it.

My kids and my DPs youngest (all under 14) don’t eat in their room and won’t be allowed to when older either. IMO the odd bit of chocolate is ok, but not full meals.

ravenmum · 03/01/2018 09:54

When you say that "his mother seems to think" that, do you mean that your partner thinks that, or do you really mean that you are not sure if that's her opinion, but you have that impression?

I think you're in the wrong forum; if you want to get other people to back up your opinion against hers, you should be in AIBU.

Original poster

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 10:00

Thanks Changedname3456. When I challenge (argue) her the response I get is that all her close friends let there children eat in bedrooms and she did so what harm does it do but when I discuss with my friends they all seem horrified. That and the autism seems a no brainer to me.
I guess I was thinking I was being too draconian but its good to know I'm not the only one......

OP posts:

Purplerain101 · 03/01/2018 10:02

I definitely wouldn’t be ok with this. Eating at the table only takes 20 mins out of his day so it shouldn’t be such a big issue.

Original poster

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 10:04

Hi Ravenmum, apologies if I am in the wrong area, this is my first time on Mumsnet.
I'm not looking to necessarily win the argument. It is having a big impact on our relationship and I just wanted to get a feel whether it was just me being out of touch.
Thanks for the steer.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 03/01/2018 10:13

Why is is having an impact on your relationship - why is it such an important issue to you both that you are rowing? Is it a question of who gets the final say when one parent is a step-parent, or is it about you criticising her parenting skills and her feeling under attack?

I grew up in a household where we were allowed to eat in our rooms - we came down for meals, but then all sat in front of the TV to eat, except special occasions. It wasn't good for my social skills, but then our entire way of life was not good for my social skills; we lived alongside one another in every way, with little interaction except arguments. So I can't say that our eating habits were a particular problem. How is the rest of your family life?

LockedOutOfMN · 03/01/2018 10:18

Learner62 I agree with you and think you should continue to encourage the DS to come and eat with you. I think it's nice that you want to include him.

Maybe you could compromise and say it's ok if he has breakfast and drinks in his room as long as he brings the cups, plates etc. once a day for them to be washed, but he should have dinner with you each evening. Specifying a time might be a good idea as that makes it more reasonable to expect everyone to be 'free' then and respects the DS' right to get on with his own things the rest of the time. I presume everyone does their own thing at lunchtime at work/school etc. but you could also agree on an arrangement for weekends (e.g. DS can eat what he wants and when but should come out of his room?)

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:18

He’s 18. 18 year olds without autism are frequently like this anyway, they are often pretty annoying and antisocial at home.

Re the ASD it is all about being flexible. IMO your argument about ‘being sociable’ is not valid really. You need to let the things that don’t matter slide and reserve the encouragement/gentle prodding/pressure to do things that are hard for things that are really meaningful and that will result in greater benefit.

Re my DD I would (and do) let this issue slide. This gives her more capacity for more difficult tasks such as going to parties, engaging with school, her peers and support workers.

I often used to talk with her about her ‘fizzy bottle’ when she was younger (she’s 11 going on 16 now) and it was a helpful analogy. Meltdowns are caused by overwhelming stress (when the fizzy bottle gets shaken and it explodes).

If you make some concessions over things that are likely to shake the fizzy bottle but don’t really represent a learning opportunity and/or are not that important and encourage/incentivise things that are better learning opportunities and/or are more important this is more productive than pressuring them to always deal with every little thing.

You have to be both flexible and put a lot of thought into how you parent children with ASD. I often talk to DD about these concessions and expectations and the reasoning behind them now she is older.

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:21

And I always reserve any comment on this kind of behaviour by telling her how happy I am and how nice it is that she has come to eat with the rest of us when she does do it - all on her own terms.

ClaryFray · 03/01/2018 10:22

Maybe learn something about autism. My DS is 8 and we eat at the table at home because I can control the atmosphere. In restaurants however my son has to have his earphones on with his iPad because he can't cope with the noise and the loudness.

Perhaps you should try to understand why, instead of laying down the law.

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:23

IMO the bigger issue is the not working and it is this that the expectations part should be applied to.

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:32

My dad had a very ‘why don’t they just do xyz’ attitude which this reminds me of but this is incompatible with someone who is on the spectrum.

Someone who is on the spectrum needs support to be able to learn how to do a lot of things that NT people can ‘just do’ and they need to learn to achieve things in a way that is manageable for them, to recognise their own limits and to push themselves when they are able to.

The challenge for parents is recognising their limits and knowing when to encourage or expect.

Giving up on all expectations is not the right way to do it but neither is always expecting them to be able to manage everything as that actually stops them from learning by leaving them in a constant state of anxiety.

Well, that’s my experience with DD anyway.

Original poster

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 10:36

Hi Ravenmum, Why is it having an impact on your relationship? Great question which is making me think why am I getting so stressed about it. I think it might be aspects of both the points you make.
I think there is also an element of me having to let go of control which makes me uncomfortable and probably some baggage that I'm carrying. I'm not saying that's right just me being honest.....
LockedOutOfMN & Offred - some great insights into your own experiences that I need to talk through with my partner to come up with some middle ground.

Thank you.....

OP posts:

supersop60 · 03/01/2018 10:39

I have no experience of living with someone with autistic issues, so I can't advise on specifics. My DCs are not allowed to eat in their rooms (well, biscuits etc are ok) and when my SIL was a teenager, my MIL would not collect the dirty plates etc, she would put them in SIL's bed, so that she would have to clear them herself. Genius.

Smeaton · 03/01/2018 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:51

I would also advise against anything passive aggressive - though I agree it is funny and rather genius for a NT but annoyingly slovenly older teen!

People on the spectrum struggle with indirect communication and respond much better to simple and factual statements. If I put DD’s plates on her bed she would pick up the feeling that I was displeased with her but wouldn’t necessarily understand how to handle it and it would increase her stress and negatively affect her willingness to work with me.

I have to make a huge effort to be calm, clear, fair and patient and willing to explain the reasoning in a factual way with DD all the time.

She is HF so she compensates a lot using her incredible intelligence and it is easy to forget that she has some considerable deficits until she says something like what she said to me yesterday ‘Ma I am no longer going to accept ‘maybe’ or ‘don’t know’ as an answer’ and I remember that subtle ambiguity in even the most basic things is not something she can cope with.

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:56

(She’d probably be raging at me about putting plates in her bed when I next went to check on her TBF and would most likely have already chucked them on the floor in a strop)

Original poster

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 10:56

Hi Smeaton, I don't think its just me being a control freak but more a balance of what I believe is right, what my partner thinks (its both our home) and how you help an 18 year old with autism who might be physically 18 but mentally struggles with basic skills that staying in a room for that amount of time with no exposure to other inputs doesn't help.
I do agree that at 18 I wasn't the easiest to control which makes me appreciate even more how my parents dealt with me.

OP posts:

Offred · 03/01/2018 10:58

What support does he have in place outside the family?

ravenmum · 03/01/2018 11:01

If the young man is picking up on the tension he'll be even less likely to want to eat with you I'd imagine!

Have you been together long? If you are a similar age to me (also have an 18-year-old) then yes, it can be hard to change the habits of a lifetime. But it's important to be open to new ideas, right? Keeps you young. Sounds like it would be worthwhile finding out more about autism and reconsidering which battles you pick. At age 18, is it really time to start a new parenting regime? And why don't you trust your partner's 18 years of experience with him?

Original poster

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 11:05

Hi Offred, his mother struggles badly with support.
His bio father has issues himself and rarely sees the boy. He has a gran and grandfather (partners mum & dad) who are very supportive but in there 80s so limited to what they can do. Aside from not being aware of what's available, she struggles to get him to do anything that he doesn't want to do, namely anything outside of an Xbox.....
Any suggestions?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 03/01/2018 11:09

www.autism.org.uk/about/adult-life/work.aspx

RavingRoo · 03/01/2018 11:10

I agree with you. Parenting kids on the spectrum is difficult, and it sounds like your wife has given up. Can you raise the issue yourself to dss? If you can keep it logical (ie I need you to eat all meals in the kitchen with the family because of x, y z) he may respond.

Offred · 03/01/2018 11:14

Start with pestering social care. IME you have to do a lot of pestering before you get support!

He could do with some support to get him work ready and hopefully eventually into some level of employment too. There may be charitable sector organisations that can help, there are in my area - SC will know JCP may be able to help.

Request a SC assessment for him and also a carer’s assessment for you and his mum.

This may take a while and you might be fobbed off a few times but it is how you will access support now he is past school age.

Anyone who has a long term condition that substantially affects everyday functioning is legally classed as disabled immaterial of diagnosis/benefits issues and you may need to point this out to SC if they are difficult.

Also you could speak to his GP.

IME in this atmosphere of LA cuts the first expectation is that families deal with all of this by themselves but IMO this actually can make things worse because it can cause more dependency on family/Home and increased avoidance. Involvement from outside services has really helped my DD.

Original poster

Learner62 · 03/01/2018 11:15

Ravenmum, I think you are hitting a few home truths here. I guess the point of coming on here was to get other views and ideas, which I'm really pleased to say has been brilliant, albeit making me feel rather uncomfortable at times.
We've been together for 9 years but I really didn't make any effort to get involved with the lad for a lot of that time and we've only been living together for 18 months. Its not that I don't trust her parenting skills but as she's lived a lot of the time as a single parent (lads father ran off when he was 2), she's often had to just do things that kept things calm rather than maybe doing what the right thing was in terms of a childs development and I think this has now become hard wired. Obviously I need to overlay the autistic demands into the mix which changes the way people deal with things.

OP posts:

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