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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Exp still lying to me

32 replies

Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 05:13

Just want to vent and hope for a hand hold. No one in RL I can tell this to.

Posted about 6 months ago about my partner of nearly 8 years, I caught him on WhatsApp sending messages to an ex colleague, we have a little girl and were trying for a second baby at the time. I had been undergoing fertility tests. He had been having a full on affair for over 16 months.
Anyway, over the last few months he has tried everything to win me back round, charm, anger, threats of a financial nature, but always at the heart of his story was that the affair was over, had been a dreadful moment of weakness that had escalated, that he was disgusted at her and himself and that he loved me and our dd and wanted another baby and a future together as a family. I have been pressing ahead with separation, as hard as it has been, but I think a part of me hoped that he had indeed changed and wasn't lying and was willing to change. I saw the anger as frustration that he had lost everything and that he was truly sorry.

Last night I found out through an email booking that he has booked a hotel room this weekend, we had been texting each other so I casually asked him what his plans were for the weekend, and he told me he was working 🙄. There is no way he would be working in this place over this weekend, the nature of his work is office based and he's booked the room for two adults. I know he hasn't booked it on behalf of anyone else as he doesn't have many friends and his family members are at home this weekend, that's what he told me himself. I also know that it's not intended as a surprise for me as it's my weekend with dd and she's not on the booking. I then asked him outright if he was still seeing the OW and he told me no. He asked me if anyone had told me 'stories' about him and OW and if they had they were untrue and my friends were out to keep me as unhappy as they clearly were.

I know we are separated, but as recently as two days ago he has been professing undying love, sending flowers, I just can't believe how stupid I am that I nearly fell for the lies again. If he is having a relationship with her he wouldn't need to lie to me any more, he could just tell me outright, but the fact that he's lied again to me has sent me reeling, I feel the same sense of shock and betrayal all over again.

Not sure what I'm asking for here really, just a chance to vent I guess, it's set me right back. I have hotel details and could call up at the weekend to ask for OW by name to prove to myself that he is indeed still with her, but is there any point? I know deep down it's now finally over, but my god it hurts. Especially when I think of how much of a fuss he's kicked up about how much he still loves me and misses me. I am so unhappy anyway, my life as I knew it was a lie and now I know the last six months have been lies too. How do I get through this hurt and pain and anger?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 05:37

There's no point in calling the hotel to verify what you know.

He's still cheating on you; did he even stop?! He's a waste of your time. Use your anger to help you stay strong and separate for good this time.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 05:46

I thought while I was posting that perhaps I was wrong to feel like this, and that he's entitled to go away with anyone he likes after 6 months of separation, but it feels like he has ripped my heart out yet again. I think it's because he's been a daily part of my life still over that time even though we aren't living together, and I believed him when he said he loves me. I haven't confronted him, nor do I intend to, as I said, he's entitled to go where he wants with who he wants, but the grief I feel is intense. Thanks Shoxfordian for not telling me that I am being unreasonable, I worry that as I had initiated separation that my feelings about his relationship with her no longer matter.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 05:49

Of course you're not being unreasonable! He's the one saying he wants you back and he loves you whilst carrying on with another woman still! Please don't think you're the one in the wrong.

Weezol · 03/01/2018 05:50

I would take this as confirmation that your decision to separate was the right thing to do.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 05:54

It hurts so much. I have to go to work this morning and face him, and not let on that I know, and it's going to be awful. This separation has been horrendous and traumatic and I so hoped that we could work it out, and now that's it. Over. I'm sorry, sat here in tears, and just rambling!

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 03/01/2018 06:11

Why do you have to act as though you don’t know? If it was me I’d send him the email evidence I had and tell him to fuck off. You can get angry. This man has lied and lied...I’d also message the OW and tell her exactly the stuff he’s been saying. She might not even know that you and your child exist! He’s not to be trusted and you are not being unreasonable. He’s sick and vile! Who does that??! Reach out to all of your family and friends and ask them to help you stay away from him.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 06:20

OW knows me, we all used to work together and we have mutual friends. I'm scared to tell him that that I know at the moment, he's being very difficult when he's not telling me he wants to come home and I'm worried about money etc, he's on a good wage and on my part time salary I can't afford the upkeep of the house, until we sell he is still paying half the mortgage. I could not afford it by myself. I know that sounds pathetic but I don't know what else to do but sit tight until the house is on the market.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 06:24

Just to clarify, we aren't married, he wants all the equity from the house and he is very financially controlling, so he wouldn't hesitate to use money as a lever.

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 03/01/2018 06:46

I'd send a "gift" to the room. I know it's pathetic but I would.

thinking dog shit wrapped lovingly in a plastic bag and then in a nice box.

Shoxfordian · 03/01/2018 06:54

Have you spoken with a solicitor about your rights to equity in the house? Is there any way you can work full time for a while to make more money?

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 07:32

Yes I am entitled to a 50% split but he refuses to consider that so we're about to go to mediation. I'm paying all the bills, including repairs, so there's no way I am walking away with nothing, I need to house our daughter.

OP posts:
category12 · 03/01/2018 07:37

Then sit tight, get your money and know he's a lying bastard. Keep the hotel email to remind you.

Mia184 · 03/01/2018 07:48

Was the hotel booking for one or two persons? If it is for two, why not call the hotel and change the reservation to the most expensive room/ suite they have?

Changedname3456 · 03/01/2018 08:48

He can’t “refuse to consider that” - if you’re the co-owner of the property then the solicitor will just split the funds when remitting them after the sale.

Are you registered with the CMS yet? Is he paying maintenance as well as half the mortgage?

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 08:52

I am just about to go into work and try to act normal, thanks all for the support. I need to remember he's a piece of shit...

OP posts:
wednesdayswench · 03/01/2018 08:54

If I were you, I'd drive to hotel and confront him (and her) in person.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 09:11

Oh, I'd love to upgrade them but he's a cheap man these days it seems, he's taking her to a £49 a night hotel (with cash back!) in the city we used to visit together a lot. Clearly such happy memories for him he wants to do it all again Angry. At least she's not worth a decent hotel.

OP posts:
tomatoplantproject · 03/01/2018 09:14

Oh my words you are me a few years ago. Almost the exact same scenario (down to the dd the fertility treatment and the desperately wanting to make things work). Here is what I have learned:

This man is not someone who you can trust to build a life with. He has lied repeatedly to you for many months. He is a talented liar, to the extent you would believe his tail about working away if you didn't have the evidence about the hotel room. Can you stay with him long term with this knowledge about him?

He has not gone out of his way to stop the affair, make you trust him again. This is going to sound harsh but whatever he thinks about you, you and your dd are not the centre of his world. He is.

Find chump lady to help get a new perspective on cheaters.

Know your rights. You can then start working out your options and see a path to the future.

Splitting up hurts. Really really hurts. Accepting you won't get your ideal family is a tough thing to come to terms with. But once you have made your decision once and for all you can start dealing with the pain and begin the process of moving on.

Life is better without living with a lying cheating scumbag. And being a single parent has many amazing pluses.

With a team around you it'll be ok - and by that I mean your friends, family, random wise women you meet on a yoga retreat, solicitor, nursery people, you catch my drift.

You will be ok and your dd will thrive. You will smile, laugh and love again.

tomatoplantproject · 03/01/2018 09:15

Sorry about lack of paragraphs. They were there when I typed that out!

Dollius01 · 03/01/2018 09:28

What a twat. He doesn’t get to fuck off with your share of the house. He would seriously leave his daughter with nothing?? Time to get the big guns out. Stop appeasing him and get him out of your life for good.

Original poster
Foundwantingalways · 03/01/2018 09:34

Tomato thank you, it' s such a bleak place to be right now, I am hopeful that I will come out of this the other side with a happy healthy dd and that's all I want.

OP posts:
tomatoplantproject · 03/01/2018 09:46

Honestly I've been where you are. I'm nearly 3 years on. Dd is amazing in every way.

You're in the very toughest part but once you make a decision and start putting that in action it will become the beginning of a new life. A better life than one mired in distrust and bitterness caused by a scumbag cheat.

ClaryFray · 03/01/2018 10:20

It's natural to still feel like this months after a separation. Focus on one foot in front of the other and your DD.

Thebluedog · 03/01/2018 10:49

Legally he can’t just ‘not let you walk away with nothing’ so do what your solicitor recommends, sit tight and let the legal system do it’s job.

As for acting normal? Why! You are allowed to be angry, hurt and upset about this. Let him know you know. I’d also let the ow know the crap he’s been spouting to you too.

Cantuccit · 03/01/2018 11:18

You had a lucky escape.

Make sure you get your 50% equity! You are right, you need it for DD.